Maybell XIV

[Shakspr]

Maybell: You said you don't understand me (men) on one of my threads. Three days ago when I had discovered the EA my W was having.

We are unusual creatures. I personally prefer a stable daily existence with budget for "whims" - chores done early on Saturday? Go to the fair. Homework and dinner done early? Make a trip to 1/2 price books or the comic books store for something silly.

But for many of us, this apparent complacency masks a MUCH wilder nature. We relish an opportunity to be a single step away from going over the edge of Long's Peak in Colorado. We hope, just once, to be in a fight for our very lives. To prove ourselves worthy.

And we'd like to prove that for a woman.

But when a man goes another way...well, it's literally the reverse of all that. That enjoyment of complacency becomes an engine whereby we take advantage of those around us. And codependent relationships that have devolved into the do nothing/nag/fight/makeup (sorta) cycle lock us (and our loved ones) in that rut.

At some point, your man has to get out of his rut. You do deserve decisiveness. I know that I got that way too late, but I am already encouraging two men at work to get on the DB/DR program to save their marriages before it's too late. They are listening, because they WANT to be there in the right way for their wives; they often don't know how. Hearing it from another man (a real man in their lives, not Dr. Phil or an anonymous therapist) makes it real. Especially when my pain is, unfortunately, very visible right now.

I don't know how to encourage you to implement, but here's what you are hearing from the ladies - from a different POV. Go kick some @$$. Get those interviews lined up. Wear something scandalous (yes, I am the Christian guy. We respond to the basics too!) Go to a swanky bar and order scotch. (Glenlivet 18 works!) Let your man know, in your own Maybell way, in or out. You are done with limbo.

Vets, please moderate me if necessary. I'm a bit of a wild card, I know.

Do something different! Experiment! Find out what works!

[Shakspr]

I missed your last post. Looks like we were on the same page!

Well, I guess we'll know how it goes!

[Ss06]

I see, Maybell.

So how do you feel? Please don't see your laying down a boundary as poor DBing. There comes a point where you have to no longer allow yourself to be seen as a doormat or as plan B. That is precisely how he's treating you at this point.

If he's unwilling to commit to going either way then you are plan B. It sounds like you've decided NOT to be that. You deserve more. You really do. And the first step to that is space.

I don't think it's poor Dbing to request that, either. Taking care of yourself is crucial in all of this and if that means you need serious time to breathe, decompress and live life on YOUR terms thinking only of what's right in front of you, then I say, ROCK ON MAYBELL.

Be gentle on yourself. You've not only faced a lot but you're dealing with someone who is sitting on a fence and who has gently asked you to be ok with that. Um. No.

[bdub]

Hugs your way maybell. You are so strong and have been through so much. Keep living for you and keep your head on straight. Tomorrow is another day. New challenges new rewards.

[raliced]

All of us are trying to make ourselves into people our spouses would be fools to leave.

I know you have loved him and he's the father of your children, but for the record I think he's a grade A fool.

Get some sleep. Tomorrow start working on that childhood dream (like Goatgal I'm curious.

[vossy]

Maybell, I hope this doesn't come across as kicking you while you're down, but this is my perception of what's been happening for you:

I think you have it in your head that it's only a matter of WHEN you and your H reconcile, not IF.

I think your H has it in his head that it's IF.

And I think that's what is causing all the problems.

This is something I have thought a few times over the past month of reading your threads. I think it's why you temperature check.. because you don't understand what is taking him so long to come around, let alone why you're even bothering with all this "limbo" if the outcome is inevitably that you'll be R.

And here's what I think you need to do going forward, at least for now, in order for you to stay sane: I think every decision you make needs to be the right decision (a) IF you reconcile and (b) IF you don't.

So, every time you want to do something or ask him something or whatever, ask yourself: Would I be doing this IF we were definitely going to reconcile? Then ask yourself: Would I be doing this IF we were 100% over? Unless those two answers match up and align completely (e.g. they're both yes, or they're both no) then I don't think you should proceed.

Examples:
Do we need to maintain a civil/friendly relationship for the sake of our kids? That's a YES (if we reconcile) and a YES (if we don't).

Do we need to discuss what happened to get us to this point? That's a YES (if we reconcile) and a NO (if we don't)... so, maybe don't do it just yet.

I could be totally wrong about all this, but from what I have been noticing, you don't seem to have accepted an outcome whereby you're not together. Sure, you might acknowledge it's a possibility, but you need to also ACCEPT it. You need to be making decision based on that being your reality just as much as you do if reconciling is your reality.

Hope that makes sense.

[Maybell]

Thank you all for your support.

Vossy, you're right, in my mind it was when, not if.

You have to understand... We're still fairly new in town, and I'm constantly meeting new people. Constantly. And every single one of them, understandably, asks "What brought you here?" And the answer is "My husband's job."

That exchange keeps this storyline running through my head, though of course I don't say it out loud:

"Yes, we moved here for my husband's job, but before the kids & I even got here their father started an affair with a 26 yo employee. He closed on our dream house knowing he had done that, and intentionally flushed our life down the toilet for reasons I never knew or understood. Then he moved out and got a bachelor pad with no space for our children and has spent the last year insisting that he has tried but I'm just not lovable enough for him to come back. I chose to marry a man who was capable of all that, and that's how I came to be in this lovely town."

So, yeah, I have not really had time away from that narrative to come to believe that this could really have happened to me after all the ways in which I tried to make his life comfortable for him.

I can't sleep at the moment so I am sure I'm stunned that I'm blew up at him like that, but I don't know that throwing him out was a bad decision. My opinion of him is absolutely horrible at the moment and the thought of him makes me want to throw up.

I walked to the party last night with a friend who I like very much but is not one of my closest friends. She asked how things were goin and I said "I don't know..." And told her about the last couple of weeks. And she told me that she had had a boyfriend in her twenties who had been with her seven years, they lived together, were supposed to get married, etc. and he dropped the bomb on her and then never looked back. And she said it was the kindest thing he could have done for her because it was so much easier to move on with her life that way.

I guess that was at the back of my mind too, when that all happened. Because it's been almost two years now since I've had anything that could even be called an honest relationship, even if it wasn't a great one, and what I really, really want is a great loving relationship. Failing that, I'll take the chance at one. And if my lying, cheating, fence-sitting pud of a husband isn't interested in that, then I'll let him be a fool and I'll be the one to move on, because I don't need to keep dangling from his string just to soothe his guilty feelings.

[Maybell]

Btw, Vossy, you have a lot of great mental tools. I like your two question rule. But I don't think anymore that we're going to reconcile. Turns out there are a lot of things he can do to hurt me that won't drive me off, but using me to salve his own sense of guilt is where I draw the line. But I'm sure I'll be using that tool a lot going forward, because this just made the relationship a lot more complicated seeing as how we have three little kids.

[B-V2]

Vossy's question and insight is what detaching is all about, and not easy at all to reach as truly understood and the accepted state of mind. This is by far the hardest part for all of us LBS's. And great two questions "rule".
Therefore: thanks you for having shared that, Vossy!

I think that as much as we LBS's fully woke up due to the BD of our spouses, and are changing because we very consciously choose to do so for ourselves because we did and do not like what we had become, have/do we hold on to the dream picture of the spouse that we fell in love with - who of course has also changed and is no more (and we can ONLY change ourselves if we choose to do so, not our spouses nor anybody else)?

Maybell: you, like all, are fully worth of having a great loving relationship. So good for you for not wanting to stay any longer in limbo, continue to concentrate on you and GAL.
Hugs sent your way.

[Old Dog]

25 has left another great post on ahoy's thread.

I recommend everyone reads it

(Not so) Old Dog xx