Maybell XIV

[bdub]

Hang in there Ahoy. You can do it. It's the rollercoaster!

[Old Dog]

A rollercoaster with several cars on it in different places on the track. When one of us goes up, another goes town.

Come on you guys, I have faith in you. I know you'll pull through.

[Maybell]

JCred, thanks for that rousing pep talk, I certainly feel better now.

[Maybell]

Old Dog, what comes down generally comes up again. I had a rough day but I have a fun weekend planned and all will be well. That's true for all of us.

[GoatGal]

Maybell,

You're always one of my favorite reads! I decided I would try and get back on everyone's threads and yours was top of my list.

I thought of you today because it's First Friday in Downtown Lancaster.
(One of these days, girlie!)

You are very popular on here, lots of ongoing support from the best.

I admit that I haven't been able to read everything you've posted but I've got the big picture at least.

I'm also a SAH(Farm)M, and I know how that goes.
Sometimes getting out "just to get out" seems like more trouble than it's worth, unless you've got something really enjoyable to do.

I think re-discovering your "own" purpose is invaluable, and finding your vocation is a big part of that.

What is the one you've been "hanging onto since childhood"? I'm curious!

But for what it's worth, I'm also a big fan of the AVOCATION.

While you're waiting for that big job, dealing with the interview process and all that, what about finding some things that are at the core of Maybell that don't necessarily pay?

As they've done for me, they might pan out to be paying gigs of a different color.

Not that I'm against "real" jobs, per se, but at a time like this, the interviewing and rejection, and stress of new obligations might be an added burden.

(Or they might infuse your life with energy and supply you with a new direction.)

If you don't "need" the money, maybe this is a possibility to "find your bliss".
As they say.

Heck. You should come swing dancing with me sometime!
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Also, I agree with some others that you do seem to get whiplash from your circumstances day-to-day. That's got to be so hard.

One day you feel one way, the next day, it's the opposite. Some based on what your H is up to, some based on what you're thinking--and therefore, FEELING, some just because being in this situation STINKS.


I feel pretty detached these days, but it comes and goes. I *think* I'm getting the hang of it now.
I have a sort of Zen approach now. I try to be aware of what I'm thinking, and how those thoughts are affecting me.
Then I CHANGE THEM.
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Today I was in the store and that always makes me sad.
I hate shopping for one, it seems so lonely, pathetic... I see this future of me being an old lady buying frozen discount dinners and a bag of cat litter...ugh.

Then I catch myself and I make it stop!

If I can get my thoughts to shift onto something more positive and away from all that nonsense, I immediately start to feel better.
So I thought about making some cool sandwiches for when my Farm-Boy-Toy is here next week and how much he would appreciate that.

I picture myself as the cool lady who makes all the kiddies laugh behind their parents' backs. I think how lucky I am that I can afford to buy good food--and for the fact that now I am able to actually EAT and ENJOY it!

I think about my upcoming plans, anything, ANYTHING BUT GUBU.
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I know you've heard all this before, so it's just a reminder.

I swear I credit this way of thinking to helping me detach so much.

Control your THOUGHTS (which you can do), and you will by extension, control your feelings.

I guess it's what they say when they say "Focus on YOURSELF".

I know you already know this, it's just something we often forget to be within our power to control.
Anything to help you feel more grounded is a good thing and I hate to see you going up and down on that roller coaster.

When you catch yourself ruminating over H, be aware, and change channels.
You don't want to be watching the Kardashians forever, do ya?
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You're a peach, and peaches are wonderful and juicy.
However, they've got an awfully strong stone as a foundation for all that sweetness.
Stone Fruit.

(Okay, maybe that metaphor was a bit of stretch, but you get what I mean.)

You're strong deep down where it counts.

(Especially when life is the PITS!!! )


Your Pal,
The Goat Gal

----(G)GGG

[KGirl]

I wish I had something helpful to say. All I can say is that I think I feel similarly as you do lately. The things that I value in an R just can't *quite* be met through relationships with friends, other family, pets, myself, etc. For as much as we say we should be able to meet those needs and wants on our own without waiting for someone else to do them... at some point making a decision and acting on it is probably going to be taking care of our own needs or wants, I would think? I am also having a lot of thoughts lately about wanting to take some action one way or the other...and maybe moreso wishing H would take that action since he started this train. I call it my "H needs to **** or get off the pot" story So far I feel like if I have any doubts, then I don't need to force myself into a decision. I've had other people in similar situations say "it will come to you one day and you'll just know"... a decision will be made when it's time for it to be made, is how I'm trying to think of it (and in our cases we can't choose to reconcile if the other person doesn't want it, so I guess that's the D decision). I found labug's latest post on claire's thread to be relevant and helpful - maybe check that out if you haven't already.

[Wonka]

Hey Maybell,

Aren't I on your privileged guest list for this weekend's party??!! Or do I have to bribe your bouncer?

[Maybell]

Wonka, you make the cut, but you may not want to anymore...

I got home from my party, took his temperature, got upset, and threw him out.

I can't keep doing this yo-yo thing anymore. If he wants me he knows where I am, but he can't keep drawing close and then back-burnering me.

My husband left me, my parents are unreliable, and I had to fire my IC. It really is just me now. Like, for real, I can't keep lying to myself and pretending like this is salvageable. It's not. I deserve better.

He wants things not to be awkward. He wants it to be nice and convenient so he doesn't have to feel badly about being such a selfish coward. It costs me too much to let him have that. I told him I need to not be around him anymore and not pretend like he's my friend because I can't heal from the horrible way he's treated me when he acts like he did last week.

I realize I'm the worst DBer on the boards. Other people can smile and chat through their depths. I'm sure I'd be better off if I could too, but the fact is, I just can't. I need my space. I need to heal. I need to get in a place where I don't have to think about him. I can not do this.

[Ss06]

There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with needing space and saying that. NOTHING wrong with that. It's not your job to protect him from himself. It's your job to look after you and your feelings and that may mean you have to be assertive with him like you were with IC. Calm, mature, straight forward but direct.

Space is a good thing. You DO deserve that. On YOUR terms. Work out the language with us if you want. We're here to help.

You NEED it clearly and you deserve it.

It's not a matter of being a good DBer or not. It's about doing what is best for Maybell at this time. Only YOU know what that is and only YOU can carry it out. You have been ramping up to this for a while.

Work out what you want to say, how you want to say it, what you really want to convey. Write it here.

We'll help. That's why we're here.

Sending you ((hugs)).

It's ok to ask for what you need. It's really ok. It's your job.

[Maybell]

Sorry, Ss, I did it in person, on the spur of the moment, and not kindly or calmly.

He sat in that stinking chair for a long time arguing with me about why he doesn't want to make any effort to bring us back together. He sat there arguing for fifteen minutes after I told him he needed to leave. I had to ask him again to go.

I did text him after asking why he'd said he didn't want to divorce. He said he was unwilling to commit to one path or another.

I said some hurtful things tonight. I'm not proud of myself. But I'm done trying to lure him back. Men of integrity don't behave this way and I need my space.