except I added the * in the word quote so it wouldn't actually quote. Make sense? In what you did above, you somehow erased the first quote bracket.[/quote]
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
Been a long time since I have been on here but your post really hit a nerve with me. My H, too, is an alcoholic. It was something that I kept hidden from this board during my time here for fear that people will tell me what some are telling you now. Your primary issue is the alcoholism. This is not to say that there is no benefit in DB, I actually think there is enormous benefit in it. However, and this is a big however, you need additional help. I STRONGLY suggest that you begin attending Al Anon meetings. I suggest you find one tonight.
In a couple of your posts, I already see some co-dependency issues. I don't judge as I had so many of them myself. In addition, the blaming that your H is engaged in is a classic symptom of his alcoholism. Once you attend a meeting, you will see that this is universal. This is not to say that we don't have things that must be improved, we all do, but the blaming is very out of balance in an alcoholic.
I have never ever been to a meeting where I was advised to leave my M. Their goal seems to be the same as DB - to save the marriage. But your H is sick and it WILL get worse. It is not good when they are high functioning because it allows them to ignore the situation longer. My H, too, was high functioning holding a CFO position. For me, this fact lulled me into some sort of false security. I mean hey, it wasn't like he was out on the streets or hanging out in a bar all day. However, things do come crumbling around them eventually if they don't get help. And problems with the marriage can accelerate that timeline. I know. That's exactly what happened to my H.
You cannot force your H to get help. He must do that on his own. But what you can do is stop all behaviors that encourage him. You need to learn boundaries and now. You also need to take control of you. You have asked "how do I deal with his verbal attacks?" This situation is all too common with the alcoholic as well. But you have a right to walk away and not listen to it. I know you are afraid that doing this will make your situation worse, but then know that staying there is a choice you make. Because you are in control far more than you realize. Also know that staying there for these assaults actually encourages him. It's a co-dependent behavior. Operating out of fear will not produce the results you think it will. I promise you.
It is essential you learn skills to deal with the alcoholic and to take care of yourself. You will learn this at Al Anon. My M didn't have a chance until the drinking stopped. I sat in limbo for a very long time. Al Anon changed everything. Again, this is not to say your time here is wasted. There's a lot to be learned here as well. But there isn't any way I can put this in stronger terms - you need to get to Al Anon.
Stop interacting with him. Go away. Leave him alone. You are allowing him to make you miserable because he is miserable.
Make it a goal to go 24 hours without speaking to him. Then, make it a goal to go 12 without thinking about him. Go 3 days without going into his garage.
I used my last Db coaching session yesterday with Leni and she also said don't engage with h, no questions, stop trying to get affirmation from h so I can feel better, She pointed out a cycle between us
1) I try to get affirmation from h which usually causes him to lash out and feel pressured and angry thinking he needs to get away from me.
2) I walk away reeling with even more pain and rejection than before, and any progress I had managed seems wiped away, feelings of "why am I not good enouph?" "Why won't he try?" "Why can't he see the r is repairable?" Why!
3) damage control , since I never get the answer I wanted, and in most cases the worst answer imaginable (most hurtful , doesn't make sence to me) I than try to find a crumb of hope to hang on to.
4) accepting crumbs , makes me feel no self worth, humiliated, depressed and I allow these interactions to control and consume my emotions , feelings, just everything.
5) h most likely thinks I'm annoying, I have no confidence in myself, no joy, and a shell of the girl he used to love
Coach said I am codependent
The codependent person bends over backward to please and accommodate the other person. Yet they feel like they aren’t doing enough, she said. They experience feelings of self-loathing, which the other person only reinforces by being cruel or abusive,
M 2005 ~together 1997 Bd 2006 & 04/02/2014 1 dd 12 H~ 44 Me 48
