Maybell XIV

[Maybell]

I did ask in an email related to some other issues last night if he wanted me to handle it differently in the moment when she pushes back on spending time with him and he didn't answer, so I consider that done until I hear differently.

Things have shifted between us to be friendlier, warmer, and easier, but he's also working super hard. There's a project that's going to suck up a lot of time and energy happening, and it's exactly the sort of project that would freak me out till it's over, so the 180 will be trusting him that it won't end up having a bad impact on our future.

As part of he project he asked me to swap weekends with him. I said I would, but that there were things scheduled for my weekend that I really wanted to do with the kids. He said he would keep them but we all would do them together. He also asked if I wanted to have dinner at his place with the kids.

It happens that the weekend he wants to swap for is our 17th wedding anniversary.

I worry about letting him slide back in like that, and then I wonder if I'm not just making things difficult for myself. If he's just testing the waters, or if this is a new dynamic that he wants to try out. Then I remember how firmly he said no, he doesn't want a divorce. I'm CONFUSED.

I had all kinds of poetic introspection about fall being my favorite season, etc., but this is enough for now. I have a life to go live too.

[Maybell]

Oh, and, he's "highly offended" at the IC and doesn't intend to see or speak to him ever again (IC called him but didn't leave a message) -- is he offended on my behalf or because of what IC said about him?

And why can't he just tell his parents that we are not yet in the process of divorcing? And why did his parents assume that we are???

[1foot2]

What exactly did you tell H the IC said about him? I'd caution against mind reading. He should be offended at what IC did to you! He should be more than offended.

You are awesome maybell. Just wanted you to know I've been reading your threads and you are handling this with strength and grace.

[SunnyB]

Maybell, can I ask you something? You have mentioned dinner at his place a couple of times. Are you actually comfortable with that? My H hasn't moved out yet, but I have absolutely no interest in ever going to his place. I can't imagine spending an evening there. What are your feelings around that? I'd like your perspective, pretty please.

[Maybell]

I've been there once. It's like visiting a piece of his mind. Seeing what things look like when he takes charge is informative.

I would love to be a guest at his place. The dynamics of our relationship were such that I never felt confident that he was getting what he wanted. To be in a place where he was unequivocally in charge would make me feel... More equal? Less uncertain? Less like baggage? It's hard to know how to put it, but I would like to know him again in that way.

When we were dating I had a 1BR apartment to myself and he lived in a house with three of the biggest pigs you've ever met, so we were always on "my turf." But when we very first met he shared a nice apartment with one other guy and I shared an apartment with a guy (who had the hots for me --awful) so we were mostly at his place till I shed the bad roommate. I fell in love when he had the better place but very little of our relationship was conducted that way. I would be happy to revisit it.

[Maybell]

My H's cousin divorced her husband July 2013 and today on FB posted a picture of a dozen gorgeous roses with the caption "One year. He's a keeper!"

New boyfriend.

I'm feeling impatient.

[LisaB]

Yeah well, don't get too jealous or excited. My H used to give me flowers too and I would post them on facebook. Look how great that turned out a few years later. haha!

Maybell you are doing great! And I totally get why it is interesting to spend time in his new place. My H and I also started our relationship in my space and I have never really gotten to see him living in a place that was totally 100% his own and where he is in charge.

Have a great day Maybell!
Hugs, Lisa

[labug]

Thanks, Claire.

Also... D11 was supposed to go to dinner with him again tonight and declined. She also declines to talk to him on the phone, though she will occasionally answer his texts. My MO when I tell her the plan and she kicks up a fuss I'd to defer to H, who always backs down. Should I offer to him to deal with this differently on my end, or quietly leave it for him to deal with and bring up to me? In similar circumstances a couple of months ago he said he didn't want to be pushy. My instinct is to let him bring t up, but I don't want him thinking I'm throwing him under the bus with her.

Why would he think that? Is that what you would think if the situation was reversed? Trust him to talk with you if he needs to. No second-guessing required. No transplanting your story into his brain and believing you can read his mind.

Drop the reigns.

[Maybell]

I'm feeling so impatient. There has been talk of why people want to stay married, and the reason I want to stay married is that I want to be close with another person, really close, in a first-level-of-importance relationship. The change in temperature in my relationship with my H lately confirms that I want that relationship with him. But I feel like with this new project he has going on that I'm going to be back-burnered again and I can't stand it.

I can sense that he cares about me. I know we want the same thing, and we agree that we didn't have good models for how to get it. I feel better equipped now than I was before to work towards it and even achieve it. But at the same time that I know all these things, there is still a huge gap between us and I am TIRED of living like this. It's been coming up on two years of distance. I want to be through this phase and moving into my own ideal of happiness. I am tired of wrestling this bear. I am tired of being patient and waiting for him to come around.

I know this is going to smack of being controlling, but a real marriage is what I want from my life. I don't want it because I'm not sufficient by myself. I want it because people matter to me, relationships matter to me, and a close, loving relationship is one of my values.

At what point do my desires for myself start to matter again? Do I have to just let go of him, tell him I'm done, that I want my life to look like what I want from it, and just move on? I deserve better than this. I am willing to give 100%. I want to be with someone who is willing to do that too. If it's not going to be him, then maybe my next step of healing is to cut my losses and move on.

The fact that the need to replenish the lawyer's retainer is sitting out there on a deadline complicates this for me, because I'm going to have to communicate that with him and I need to do it in a way that isn't threatening.

Can someone please help me think through this calmly? I know I'm impatient, but I'm worth more than this.

[Maybell]

I see that this may be another snap of the rubber band and I will take the 2x4 if it is. I don't want to be divorced. I don't want to go through a divorce and I don't want to put my kids through a divorce. But at some point I need to be first priority. I do not want to keep on having to be patient for his job, especially since there's a 10% chance that the project will work him OUT of a job and that would mean another move, which I WILL NOT DO.

Oh, and he said that he "has an aversion to being in a relationship with ANYBODY" not just me. I don't know if I believe that or not (I know you all will say not to) but how long am I supposed to wait around?

Someone please talk me down.