BOB.

[Shining]

Thank you, job.

Kids and I went walking through some little shops and grabbed lunch outside in the beautiful weather!

Regarding the hoarding issues, yes, "haunted" is the perfect term to describe it. I had heard throughout the years, many stories regarding her hoarding. H stepdad (cold, unaffectionate, much too hard on the boys) used to have his own bathroom in their house growing up. No one was allowed to use it. He did this because H mom never cleaned, and there was clutter from floor to ceiling.

H has told me about houses they lived I that had out buildings full of junk. MIL garage after downsizing 4-5 times...is still floor to ceiling junk. She has her 3 sons come over every year to try and help her clean....but she won't let anything be tossed out.

The inside of her house is awful. H was very embarrassed whenever we went there. We basically stopped visiting because of it.

In our house, which wasn't even close to that way.....H would have quirky things that would bother him such as an empty can left on a countertop, backpacks in the front room.... But he had his piles in other areas in the house. It was eye-opening when I went to clean the house before closing day. There were old food-covered plates and cans, medicine spilled in the kids bedrooms...things H would have come unglued if that had been my kids.

Another odd thing was dishes in he sink. We were all very good about keeping things from piling up....not so much after we left! It's weird, too, because he isn't a clean freak. At ALL. He doesn't vacuum or sweep, or dust, rarely does dishes...NEVER did he clean a bathroom.... Will be interesting to see how the new appreciation sets in for cleaning on his own.

Oh...and....H sent a text as I'm typing....his air conditioner keeps shutting off and tripping a breaker. Maintenance is there but he may need to stay the night in their model unit. "Bummer. I'm sorry that happened."

This is a brand new construction building, and he is experiencing so many problems. He doesn't love it, that's for sure.

I'm not feeling any sense of enjoyment by hearing things aren't so smooth for him. I'm kinda shocked at how much he didn't know before...I never gave him a chance to show me, because I did it. This is so good for him.

Oh, well!!! I'm good!! I'm ok on my own. Really beginning to accept reality. And it shows in the things I'm throwing away as I clean. I'm no longer organizing with the plan to resume couple status. His stuff is very separate, and doesn't affect my stuff anymore. .

I'm going to keep organizing. I sorted my old clothes....purged half of my closet last night. Old me is going bye-bye. This feels very therapeutic!!!

[Mighty]

Thanks, bdub and daring!

Today was all about the boots. Ok, the boots and the scarves......Well, boots, scarves and pants. I said "no" to the dress.

Last week--- I was so there. 2 pairs of boots, 1 pair of shoes, 1 pair of Converse

(I always rock a pair of Converse on my totally chill day- must be I still have some of the grunge in me... Haha! Just with a little more style than when I was 17).

Glad you are well, Shining. You are a good girl. And a great friend.

[uRworthy]

Love my bootssss!

Shining, life isnt turning out the way he had it all planned in his head. It rarely does. Too bad, so sad. Thankfully, not your problem.

Oh, and by the way, that became my mantra and still is with some things today...."Not my problem".

Good for you for GAL with your kids.

[Georgiabelle]

Ha! Ur, my x MIL frequently says things about her son (ex Mr GB) and says "too bad so sad for him." I, too, do the "that's unfortunate and not my problem" thinking as well. I don't want to sound mean spirited- just that it's not my deal.

[Shining]

Awwww, my boot-lovin' board peeps.... Thanks, Mighty, uR, GB

I've been selling stuff on CL this weekend. Most of the furniture in my storage garage is not going to be used again, as I once thought. When we S, if anyone recalls, I was under the impression it was temporary, and to SAVE our M, before I found out about MLC and all the dingleberries that go with that.

So, I decided to sell the older boys' bedroom stuff (they can't take it with them, anyway, and it's nothing of sentimental value). Still have more to go...

Then, I saw a smaller dining set on CL that would fit my apartment much better than the one from my old dining room. I contacted them, and it was agreed that I would pick up today.

I posted my set, and it sold fast!! Then?? Lol.... The people selling the set I was going to pick up went dark.... So we have no table and chairs now. We just giggled. Oh well. My son said let's have a picnic. So we did. We're nerdy like that.

I'm trying to stay busy. I would be lying if I said H hasn't crossed my mind. He hasn't contacted me at all today. No idea why. But I'm learning not to focus on the why because it really does not matter.

I'm starting to have fun again. I've also realized some things about growing up....that I'm still sorting out and I'm not too sure about....need to ruminate a bit more.

Here is where I'm at today:

I'm getting better at being exactly where I am, and not mentally someplace else.
I'm not desperately wondering what's going on in the land of Cuckoo McGoo.
I do get a little emotional about our S, and I still get sad, angry, etc. but it continues to become less frequent and less intense.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My focus has shifted now that I'm inside one month's time until S18 leaves....ugh. Here's a silly mommy thing....

I taught my kids very young, how to wash their clothes. We started with sorting colors. Then they helped fold. When they were about 9-10, I had them doing simple loads. By 12, they all did their own. All of it. It wasn't ever a battle, it was just what they did.

People would ask me how I got them to do their own laundry.....I used to say to them, as I was gesturing like I was playing a video game or texting, "if they are able to learn this, they are able to do (pushing a button on washing machine) THIS."

Anyway.....last night, my S18 was at his friend's house. I went into his room, and grabbed every piece of laundry I could. And I washed and folded all of it, realizing how long it's been since I've done that. I enjoyed every moment. I won't get the chance to do this for much longer. It's starting to hit me.

They will both be moved out by December. One S is a very long drive or plane ride away. It will be lonesome without him, but I can still text and call him anytime.

The other S will be a plane ride away, but he will not be able to see me, call me, or text me at will, for 4 years, other than time off, which he won't always know. He begins serving our country on active duty in less than one month. *deep breath*.

The two of them together have been very silly lately. They've spent a lot of time together, and it's actually been a strange blessing that they are again sharing a room....who would have thought. They started their infant lives sharing a room, and they are finishing their pre-launch young adulthood, once again....sharing a room. Life is amazing, isn't it?

The next month will begin to mark the end of an era. Oh, man, I'm not ready.

I used to think how awful this is to have to face alone. I planned to have this experience with my H and we would lean on each other for support through this transition. I got angry that he's not here to hold my hand. But I'm now accepting that this is the way it was meant to be. Just me. Just them. This is ours.

God is with me, helping me process and get through this. What a gift. What a gift.

[uRworthy]

Shining, my friend, your post brought tears to my eyes.

First of all, what a great thing that you taught them to wash their own clothes so early on. Loved that you washed all of your son's.

This must be so hard for you, having them both leaving. I cant imagine it. I believe very few things are coincidences. I think they were meant to share a room at this time in this way.

It's ok to think about your h, S, and to have feelings of anger and sadness. I would be worried if you didnt. As long as you dont stay there, thats the important part.

Life really is amazing and a gift. The good parts and the bad. The easy parts and the hard parts. Each part allows us to feel it all.

You sound good, S. I am so glad.

[Shining]

Thank you, uR,

I'm sorry my post brought tears to your eyes. It is definitely hard for me, the fact that they're both leaving. I know you get it.

I'm making sure to remind S16 and D13 that I will have some moments of appropriate sadness, as will they. And that's ok, but we won't stay there long .

I'm also making a point to tell them I'm going to enjoy our new little family of 3. I don't want them to get the impression that all my focus is on the older 2, and they are chopped liver, or "less than enough".

I told them some things we can do as a small family. We talked about the fact that I've never had a family of 3!!!! Twins were born first, and we went from 2 to 4!

Then, of course, I had to take it to a humorous level and tease them that I will soon have sooooooo much more time to be all up in their business 24/7..... They laughed. They're humoring me, of course.

I'm struggling to not contact H. It's been a while since we've gone this long with no word games, no texting.

H D19 sent a message to me last night....she crashed her car on her way home from work. She said H picked her up and seemed "unfazed" by it. She only has liability ins. And the other party is claiming the wreck was her fault. She thinks her car will be totaled..no car, no money, no way to work..... Ugh. I do feel bad for her. But...... Not my problem. .

I told her I was very glad she's ok.

(No fixing, advising, offering to do stuff....I thought about it, tho.).

Sooo, uR, you're a boot gal, too?? I'm shopping for the season and for the trip!!! I'm getting so excited.

I haven't bought much....nearly zero, since I moved out. I've lost a lot of weight. I started to lose weight before S, oddly enough. I got a trainer in March. I called it the "LGN" diet. (Look Good Naked) .

So, now I need a lot of clothes. I just donated 2 lawn bags full of clothes from all 5 of us.

It feels good, all this cleaning and purging. From the file drawer, to my new clothes and the old dining table gone.... It's all needed change to help me start anew, and continue to detach.

It reminds me of that old 1990's movie with Julia Roberts... "Sleeping With the Enemy" where she goes to a new town and has nothing to remind her of the x....that movie actually resembles my 1st marriage to a scary degree. A story for another time.

[uRworthy]

I know it's hard not to contact him, but, think it through. What does it say to him if you do?

I wanted to share a little more about me. I found an amazing therapist. I was fortunate in that she got it. MLC, Dbing, etc.

She ran a group that I wasnt a part of. She asked me to sit in. It was for people in transition, for whatever reason. There were some people who were in a MLC or affected by someone in one. I got why she wanted me there.

I went from time to time, when she asked me to help. Still do once in awhile...if she calls...Im there. . Anyway, one of the things I heard over and over from people in a MLC, was that they felt that they werent heard.

I know you want to know how he is. I know you want him to know you care.

He needs to do this alone, S. He doesnt come out the other side whole if he doesnt.

Hear him.

[Shining]

Yes...yep. That was exactly what I needed. Wow, uR. Thank you.

I knew there was a piece of perspective I was missing. I didn't reach out. I took doggie for a little walk. I folded more clothes. The feeling was nagging. But I made it. .

Wow....to sit in and hear that. What an experience that must be. And to stay "detached" from your own experience?? How do you not personalize it.... I mean, I know, but still....you're human. It must be somewhat difficult to hear, both in the compassion sense and the heartbreak sense.

[Shining]

Today, I noticed our car insurance expiration was October 3. So I sent an email to insurance guy for the new policy card, proof of ins.

Come to find out that H D19 has the same type of car as my S18. Apparently, my S18 car was mistakenly removed from the policy when H D19 got her own policy in August.

So, I had my S18 car added back on again. Ugh. Also, H S21 name is still on the policy. S21 has his own insurance.....

H must be very confused. This is not like him AT ALL to get this so mixed up. Or, it could be the agent, too.

Oh, well. It's all straight now.

I had to text H about the insurance, because he will be notified it changed. He was not full-blown monster, but definitely in distancing, withdrawing, and "get away from me" mode.

He said he prefers all my kids off of he policy. "I want S18 name off my insurance". Those were the words. He had recently said that he is still very bothered by some things my S18 did in the past....like a year ago. (The same S18 who found H and took care of him during H suicide attempt).

Time to get over yourself, buddy. Grow the f-up.

So, even if I'm not to blame for H problems, he is going to blame what was a high school kid for his unhappiness. Real mature. Sure gives away a lot of his own power to a kid, huh....

H then asked (in the text) if I speak to the insurance guy, would I also remove his S 21 from the policy. He said if not, he will be glad to do his part. How gracious of him.

I didn't respond.

Then a few hours later, he decides to play his turn on word game. This bouncing is really fast, isn't it?

I guess he got his tantrum/frustration out, and now he feels better so he's checking to see if I'm here?

I have no clue what's going on in H mind. And I don't really care.

Here are the things that recently happened (that I know of) that had nothing to do with me:

He had a bad weekend with apartment management
His air conditioner broke
His apartment lost power for a long time
His D19 totaled her car
H is upset at his mother for something selfish she did
Someone in his building left a nasty note on his vehicle because of the way he parked

I can't say whether these are bothering him, or if these are reasons he's crabby and distant. I know he's stressed. I know I've done nothing.

If he's mad at me and files for D, I can't do anything about that. I kinda feel we're already D anyway. Just not in the business/legal sense.

So I'm living my life without him. Too bad for him. It turns out, I'm kind of a catch. .