Need help. Scared, confused, and hurting.

[Jefe]

I just discovered the book and this site yesterday. Planning on buying the book today or tomorrow.

Wife walked out Tues, Aug 5th after I found a picture of another man's penis and her reply of what she would like to do with it, on an IM app I am unfamiliar with. I confronted her about it the night before and she left the next morning.
We have 2 small children, girls, that are staying with me and she seldom sees.
We had been able to speak well and were close to reconciliation until about 3-4 weeks ago when it started to unravel and she said she wanted a divorce Thur, Sept 11.
I know have been doing everything wrong and I desperately need advice.
Please help.

[Starsky309]

So she's basically abandoned her own children since August 5th? Who has she been staying with?

Find Sandi's "37 Rules" posted here in several places; those are your "cheat sheet" until you can read all of DB or DR (I recommend DR). Your wife said two weeks ago that she wanted a divorce; have you sought a legal consultation yet with your own attorney?


Starsky

[Jefe]

My wife is staying with her mother. Abandoned is not exactly the term I would use. It's not quite that extreme. I will expain more in depth later this afternoon when I have more time.
Sandi's rules are one of the first things I found yesterday and latched on to. I have done every single one of these wrong, seems like.
No, I haven't sought legal counsel. I don't feel it's time. I think she is just talking from hurt.

[wmwb123]

MI have done every single one of these wrong, seems like.
No, I haven't sought legal counsel. I don't feel it's time. I think she is just talking from hurt.

Everyone does them wrong at first. It's good that you've found this forum early on in your situation. You can get a free initial consultation just to be prepared. It doesn't have to lead to divorce.

[Cristy]

Hi Jefe, I am sorry for the situation you are in. The best advice I can give you is to speak with a Divorce Busting Coach. Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best guidance on how to save your marriage and get things moving in a more positive direction. Your coach can also help you navigate conversations regarding legal counsel too. Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[Starsky309]

My wife is staying with her mother. Abandoned is not exactly the term I would use. It's not quite that extreme. I will expain more in depth later this afternoon when I have more time.
Sandi's rules are one of the first things I found yesterday and latched on to. I have done every single one of these wrong, seems like.
No, I haven't sought legal counsel. I don't feel it's time. I think she is just talking from hurt.

Jefe,

I was using the term "abandonment" in the legal sense. Depending on your state, many courts do view a parent moving out and leaving their kids in the marital home as "abandonment." It's best that you consult with a good family law attorney about this. As nw said above, just getting an initial consultation to better understand your rights and responsibilities doesn't mean you are filing for divorce or anything, and it's a very wise thing to do. Most posters find it very COMFORTING, in fact, as they learn more.


Starsky

[Jefe]

OK, DB book in hand. They did not have the DR book.
I will contemplate the Lawyer.
Thank you, Starsky and NW

[Jefe]

Yesterday since applying a few of the principals in the 37 rules we had a little better communication, but who knows. I've done a lot of damage since she moved out with my mouth and actions because I didn't understand what the hell I was doing. I hope it's not too late.

Brief rundown:
Wife is employed part time at our church and, until the separation, we were both very involved in the church. A couple of the pastors are not happy with her at all about the separation and she knows if she follows through with more serious action, i.e divorce, legal separation, etc., that she could lose her job. There are several other people at the church and in her circle that have tried to tell her she is heading down the wrong path and she has distanced herself from them all. I can promise it’s not pleasant staying at her mom’s house (who is a complete enabler and supports my wife no matter what) so she stays gone as much as she can every single day/night. She has found another part-time job, which was the plan after school started anyway. She is busy every single night of the week and barely has time for the kids.
Up until this past Sunday the kids had no idea mommy didn’t live here. They thought she was just working late and going to church in the evenings and coming home after they go to bed, because my wife had been coming every single morning before they woke up to get them ready and take them to school and then picking them up every day after. That has not been happening in the last 2-3 weeks. At best she takes them and picks them up 1 or 2 days. She stays out till very late Mon, Tue, Fri, and Sat nights and is simply too tired to get here at 5:45 AM. Because of this, she decided to tell them “Mommy is spending the night at grandma’s for a few days”.
Things had been working in a very positive direction until around Aug 31st. Several things happened around that time frame so I am unsure what caused it or if it was just a combination of things. There are also many other underlying factors in our marriage situation but I’m trying to not write a book here and just give as many facts as needed for me to just get to work on getting my wife back.

[twinmom]

Focusing on the underlying factors IS what is going to even give you a chance at getting your wife back.

What has your wife said were the reasons she needed to leave?

What issues do YOU need to work on? How can you make yourself a better man?

[twinmom]

Your wife's actions right now are just a symptom of the "underlying marriage issues" and THAT is what you need to be focusing on, NOT exactly what she is doing now.