Nuts, another backslide... It had been going well today, she had been initiating texts and calls but at one point said, "feel free to call me whenever today I'll just be at the apartment by myself." I'll admit I got pretty bored today and gave her a call... The conversation was going well, just going on about what each of us had been doing the last couple days and somehow got on the topic of food. I'm grilling out, something we both like to do, and like an idiot I said, "there's some waiting for you if you come home." "Are you encouraging me to come back early?"
Creeeap.
Backpeddling, I said, "I'm not encouraging you to do anything, just letting you know what's here."
I'm sliding bad...checked the phone log, she's been calling him and him calling her all weekend, the times seem to line up with how long it takes to get from here to where she is. She had a big falling out with her mom last night, turns out she called him and talked to him for half an hour after that before calling me about it.
Rev, I know its difficult to do, but checking the phone logs will drive you crazy. When I don't check them I'm at least not angry. You can get to the point where you don't check them. Stay strong.
Me:30 W:34 M:8 T:9 D:9 D:4 D:3 S:4 S:1 D bomb: 8/2014 S 12/2014 PA Confirmed in 3/2015 if I recall correctly
Last night was a pretty huge setback, when she called me this morning we both agreed that we had been making some good progress in the days leading up to it just through phone conversations, but that my freakout really put a damper on it. 1 step forward, 2 steps back? Anyways, GAL success today, got paid for the deployment so I went and bought a new guitar and amplifier as a gift to myself. Spent the afternoon trying to remember how to play the damned thing.
Tomorrow the W comes home from staying with her friend, but tonight they're going out on the town together, which always makes me nervous given she's usually been drinking when her worst behavior exhibits itself. Tonight, however, I'm going to sleep like a rock, because stressing out last night didn't lead to a good night's rest.
Hey here's a question: how should I greet her when she walks in the door? I know I shouldn't be over-enthusiastic and appear fake, but I don't want to ignore her either. Anyways, not being home at the same time when I go back to work this week is going to be a test, but I'm feeling a lot better about it now.
I guess I need to post a status update since I haven't posted in a while, and things have been going pretty well actually.
W returned from her stay with her friend on Wednesday, and we've been spending some good time together. She's working on two big events events for work, and I've helped when I could, but obviously I've also been on the GAL, getting back to work and hitting the gym quite a bit (something I let go after returning from my last deployment). I've been fairly patient in terms of discussing our marriage, trying to let her initiate those talks. There have been a few minor slip-ups for me on that one, but I've learned to detach and cut losses before it turns into a fight. Her being defensive and getting pissed off doesn't get us anywhere.
Yesterday was a particularly good day, even though I had to stay a bit late at work. She asked if I could visit her at work on the way home, and said she looked forward to spending some quality time together at home. We did have a bit of a spat over finances, but it calmed down rather quickly, and actually splitting the finances has helped us do something we agreed we needed to do a long time ago: better budget planning. It used to be a common occurrence that one of us would check the joint account and wonder how it got so low, then spend the rest of the pay period staying in and saving. Now, all the bills are laid out and there is a clear division of assets and contributions to joint bills. I have remained firm in not paying for her phone usage, which she still begrudges, but understands.
Spent the night together as she did final preparation for her big event today, I cooked dinner (I am the house chef), and she prepared samples of the cocktails she is serving today. We laid down for bed, I paid her a compliment, and before I knew what was going on we were in the middle of an ML session. It was...passionate to say the least.
I dunno guys, everything feels really good right now but I know we still have issues to work out. I hope I'm not getting set up for disaster, but I'm really optimistic right now.
I dunno guys, everything feels really good right now but I know we still have issues to work out. I hope I'm not getting set up for disaster, but I'm really optimistic right now.
It feels good b/c of the emotional high and your hopes are soaring. You are setting yourself up for disappointment.
Rev, do you know how you grade what kind of day it is? Just by reading your posts, I can tell you base a good or bad day according to your W's actions. Try to break yourself from allowing her to make or break your day. It takes real effort in not focusing on her and letting it choose what type of day you have. That should be your decision and power.....not another person's. When you detach successfully, you will be the one who determines what kind of day to make it. If your emotions are the determining factor, you will need to learn how to control your emotions, instead of the emotions being in control. Make sense?
So how have you been since the last post?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I've been pretty good, actually now that the rest of the guys I deployed with are coming off of R&R, they're available to do stuff. Spent the day kayaking and went to dinner with friends and had a great time. Still had to go home a little early to let out the dogs, the W was working at the time.
W has been honest with me that she still has contact with the OM outside of work, but I've not tried to control, still giving her the, "you do what you're going to do, but I'm not going to wait around for you," bit, but I will say that in-person contact with the OM is down drastically (because we're spending a lot of QT together). I haven't had any, "episodes," since the last backslide post, probably because I've stuck to my no-snooping resolution, despite opportunities to do so. So that feels good.
I still feel like I'm in a Catch-22 though, I've been doing well in the GAL department by reviving old hobbies, going to the gym, going out with friends without the W, and not controlling what the W does with her time, but I know that by being unavailable all the time or ignoring her plays directly into the reason she sought an OM in the first place. We have been spending QT together a lot recently, and she suggested that I take some more leave so we can spend more time with just the two of us, during times when I know her and the OM would have all day to be together. As an aside, the gym I just joined is not the one she goes to, I know the co-dependent me wouldn't have done that before. I probably would have joined her gym and tried to make due in a place lacking in the equipment I prefer just so we would be at the same gym.
Anyways, I do still always have the, "am I being taken advantage of," question in the back of my mind, but there's no doubt that time passing and GAL efforts have helped my mental state greatly. Thanks to everybody here for the help so far, and I know I've still got a ways to go.
Good or bad sign: wife and I were at dinner, she opened up to me about the affair, admitting to a PA, but that it was non-sexual. She admitted to them kissing and that she spent nights in his bed, but still stands by her assertion that they never had sex. I know as part of healing from an affair the wayward spouse needs to be open to the betrayed, so I took it as a positive step. I told her that I appreciated her being more open with me about exactly what happened (I think I fall in the category of the needing-to-know-details crowd), but that I still assumed the worst to save myself more emotional pain in the case that she finally does admit to a sexual affair.
She's trickle-truthing you. WASs involved in A's will not tell the LBS the whole truth at first because (in their eyes) they are saving the LBS from pain. When in truth it's just their way of not confronting the truth.
Did she want to R with you?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I told her that I appreciated her being more open with me about exactly what happened (I think I fall in the category of the needing-to-know-details crowd), but that I still assumed the worst to save myself more emotional pain in the case that she finally does admit to a sexual affair.
It's my experience that it doesn't matter how much you suspect/assume/guess... actual confirmation is a mother.
Originally Posted By: MrBond
She's trickle-truthing you. WASs involved in A's will not tell the LBS the whole truth at first because (in their eyes) they are saving the LBS from pain. When in truth it's just their way of not confronting the truth.
This was also my experience.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
