To DB or not to DB, is it really a question?

[Shakspr]

labug. I've reread that list more times than I can count. I am attempting dignity and grace. But an attempt at humor was better than crying my way through a freaking apartment selection conversation. Those items are true. But they are not the whole story - I have stopped doing all those things publicly. Each (non-forum) person who knows what's up in my life knows I contributed mightily to the problem. Heck, one of the men at work DB'd successfully over the last year with a WAW who had two affairs - he opened up to me after I told him what I was going through. He knew the lingo and everything. He's still piecing it together, scared, but hopeful.

So, while my airing of dirty laundry here last week might not have been in the spirit of foregoing items 2 & 3 on this list, I certainly haven't been speaking of those things publicly to anyone who will ever know about them and associate them with me.

And, frankly, I probably won't let her go mentally until the conversation with our children, happening most likely next weekend. I am, however, behaving with dignity in our recent face to face and text convos. I am PMA'g white-knuckle style sometimes, but I'm doing it.

Rereading that, it seems wise that I figure out how to truly let go before the talk with our children - especially if I am to be the lighthouse during and after. There's something worth thinking about.

[Shakspr]

I now declare myself the Newcomers forum WORST DETACHING MALE IN A DRAMATIC SERIES. Where's my Emmy?

[Wet]

Wait, wait, wait Shakspr, you may be a nominee for "Worst Detaching Male in a Dramatic Series", but I'm not sure sure that you can win this award when there are soooo many of us in the same boat.

Did something recently happen that makes you think you won this award?

[Two Sided Coin]

I'm sorry! I struggle to detatch, too, you're not alone.

[labug]

Humor can lighten things up or it can be a very negative device. You've written about belittling remarks, joking about her lack of education, not honoring her choices. What is humorous to you may not be so humorous to her. She may still you're belittling her.

Try a 180, stop with the humor (I noted that Wonka was uncertain about a "humorous" remark you made on another thread) it doesn't always play well, especially if it's been used to inflict pain in the past. Most importantly, cut the sarcasm. I was sarcastic and thought I was funny. I was fooling myself, I was hurtful.

A few words on sarcasm from an expert "Treating others with disrespect and mocking them with sarcasm are forms of contempt. So are hostile humor, name-calling, mimicking, and/or body language such as eye-rolling and sneering. In whatever form, contempt is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust. It's virtually impossible to resolve a problem when your partner is getting the message that you're disgusted with him or her."

About choosing humor over crying, if that's actually the truth, maybe it would be good for your W to see that you have emotions other than what she's seen for years. I don't recommend crying all the time but maybe showing a different side, that you realize this is serious business but you are owning your side of it. 180s are what this is all about.

[Shakspr]

I ask sincerely, what's belittling about noting that I can't take her doing to me for a short period what I did for years? If anything, it acknowledges the past mistake.

Sarcasm, eye-rolling and name-calling are currently her devices. I am an @$$. I know because I've been told so, recently, frequently. And not just when I've slipped DB'g.

All that said, I can reduce the humor content. All part of experimenting, trying to find what works. Shouldn't be too hard. I don't feel much like laughing anyway.

From Watchmen (via Rorschach):

I heard a joke once: Man goes to doctor.
Says he's depressed.
Says life is harsh and cruel.
Says he feels all alone in a threatening world.
Doctor says, "Treatment is simple.
The great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight.
Go see him.
That should pick you up."
Man bursts into tears.
Says, "But doctor... I am Pagliacci."
Good joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains.

As for me self-declaring my title as Worst Detaching Male in a Dramatic Series, well, I can't seem to let go, no matter how hard I try. I know that I must. I fear that because of the way I am wired, if I do it, she will be dead to me completely and I will never want to see her or hear her voice again. Which will darken my spirit. And foul up everything.

I do not want my choices to be driven by fear. But sometimes, they are.

I am but a man.

[bdub]

Shakspr:
One thing that helped me detach was asking myself: Am I missing my W or am I missing being married? I think about this often and it gives me a venue to think about my W negatively and to explore the fact that I was in love with being married, not in love with my W. After i sit with this question a while I can "put the negative feelings away" and continue with DB.
Often times this thought process allows me to gauge where I am emotionally. To this day, I still do not have an answer and I dont want one. I simply use it as a mental exercise.

[labug]

I ask sincerely, what's belittling about noting that I can't take her doing to me for a short period what I did for years? If anything, it acknowledges the past mistake.

This is part of learning to look at things form her POV. Empathy.
Why say anything at all? What were you hoping for by saying that? One of the "rules" is, no relationship talk, no begging, pleading, etc.

Because of your past R with her, she probably hears everything you say jokingly as belittling. Yes, that may be mindreading but she is done, she is leaving.

Wish her well and work on what you can control.

Sarcasm, eye-rolling and name-calling are currently her devices. I am an @$$. I know because I've been told so, recently, frequently. And not just when I've slipped DB'g.

She's not here wanting to change things.

[Shakspr]

Thank you, labug. You have helped me begin letting to, whether it seems that way or not.

[Shakspr]

Not much here. Can't stay asleep for more than 5 hrs. Did wake to pleasant dream where STBX and I were having a pleasant moment. Probably shocked me into wakefulness.

Simple discussion about serious topic (SS15 schooling/education) devolved into R talk. W initiated it only to tell me stop trying and praying to save our M. She has no feelings for me anymore. Doesn't want every transition event to be a drama. I said I understand and my head knows that I must let her go but my heart WILL NOT STOP fighting. She accepted that and said she understands that this is very hard for me. There was more of the same but that's the crux.

Unplanned GAL yesterday with church member cleaning up a dog-destroyed foreclosure. He needed cheap housing . But everything has a cost. Paint and elbow grease and Lysol. Stinky day but good fellowship. My D8 helped.

PMA AND A NAP.