Wife Still in MLC but has now left #4

[LoisB]

And to answer Lois, Mach didn't provide any "low blow".

I stopped posting to Matt because I got tired of having the same conversation over and over again just using different words.

So, is there a closed, invite-only vet club where only a special few are allowed to decide who deserves a post and who doesn't? Let's all take a vote on whether Matt deserves a post?? Give me a break. How about owning what you feel/think and allow others to do the same?

Personally, if I was new to this and someone told me that this crowd of wise elders wasn't posting on my thread because I was too redundant or couldn't get my act together...I would take it hard and may decide I wasn't worth the effort.

These are fragile people in fragile situations and, sometimes, I think people with lots of time on the boards feel overly confident about their therapy skills.

In an A.A. meeting, you can only speak for yourself and I think that's a good rule for this board. If someone, in an A.A. meeting said to a newly recovering person..."Hey, the old-timers think you aren't worth the time...? You whine too much."

I just think there's another way that could have been put...

"Matt, in MY experience...you seem to say the same thing over and over."

as opposed to...

"Hey Matt, the whole state of Texas thinks you are a big dummy."

Isn't it on Matt to figure this out for himself based on experience of others, individually?

[Lifes Twists]

I hope this does not become a thread of everyone piling on Matt. It would speak very poorly of the folks on this board who try and help each other. I have read a lot of good things on this board. When people start responding to a person thread in a way that indicates they are taking it personally and getting angry at what the threads originator is saying I think it cast a bad light on that person and possibly this board to some new who may be reading this for the first time seeking support for their own situation.

We are all hurting in some way because of what our spouses are doing. We all react and process this in different ways. The hope is eventually we will all grow from this experience and learn to step back and see how our actions may have contributed to what is going on in our lives and work to change those.

Whether we are new or have been on this board for many years and assign ourselves the title of veteran we may be able to contribute in a positive way. If one group lords it over the other that they know best and the other has to do what they say diminishes the good that they and this board do.

I hope that everyone that is contributing to this thread will sit back, take a deep breath and consider whether their actions are adding to a positive experience or creating a negative one.

[LoisB]

Whether we are new or have been on this board for many years and assign ourselves the title of veteran we may be able to contribute in a positive way. If one group lords it over the other that they know best and the other has to do what they say diminishes the good that they and this board do.

You said it better Life. That's what I was trying to say.

[cat04]

And to answer Lois, Mach didn't provide any "low blow".

I stopped posting to Matt because I got tired of having the same conversation over and over again just using different words.

So, is there a closed, invite-only vet club where only a special few are allowed to decide who deserves a post and who doesn't? Let's all take a vote on whether Matt deserves a post?? Give me a break. How about owning what you feel/think and allow others to do the same?

Lois,

I hope this is the end of this conversation...it isn't about who deserves or doesn't deserve anything or about people getting their feelings hurt or getting angry...

If you look at my original post, I spoke for myself and why I stopped posting.

I also spoke in a generalization based on years of what I have seen on these boards. Sometimes, people have to back off and allow time to pass.

Sorry if that offends you.

[TSquared2]

we may be able to contribute in a positive way

True, but positive sometimes requires what appears "negative" at first, for the positive intent, and positive results to be revealed.

I am where I am today, healing, happy, at peace, due to this board, both the supportive understanding/cheerleading/hugs aspect, and the straight up advice, but what really was the catalyst for my personal growth, was the people who DID call me on my chit, showed me what an outsider saw in my postings that revealed and exposed things about me that I was dodging.

The 2X4's, 4X8's stung, hurt like hell, p1ssed me off big time.

When my ego got past that, and allowed my logical, science nerd brain side to operate, then I could begin to turn my W's MLC into a life transforming event that I am ever so thankful for, NOW.

The methods and paths taken may differ from poster to poster, but the intent is the same... positive growth and healing. imo.

[Mach1]

Whether we are new or have been on this board for many years and assign ourselves the title of veteran we may be able to contribute in a positive way. If one group lords it over the other that they know best and the other has to do what they say diminishes the good that they and this board do.

Assigning may be a little strong of a word.... : )

I never wanted or imagined myself being a veteran of something like this....

It just kinda happened on it's own...

To clear up any confusion that I "own" ....

I am not angry, and I am not trying to bash anyone here...

Truth is, I like Matt, and I wanna see him get through this.

I see some of myself in Matt, and I know what it took for ME to get through this intact...

Isn't that what has been suggested ? Sharing experience ??

Now, I have never been accused of being a hand holder, in fact, cryptic is my tag.... I think ???

In reading his posts, and in the spirit of what DBing entails...do what works....right ?

And I haven't personally seen that much has changed with Matt's posts for the past few months.

So would you say what he is doing is working ???

Try something different.....yep, I just did that...

Sometimes, the harshest of posts do the most good. And create the most growth...




Is there a "club" that decides ?

LOL, hardly....

Everyone here is worthy of giving and receiving posts. Most of the vets simply do not have the time or the focus to spend great amounts of time here anymore.

And that doesn't mean that a lot of the vets aren't friends outside of here. Because we are. That is the bottom line truth.

Do we decide on who to post to and who not to ???

No, not in the least. We give freely of our time, and we DO become selective about who we post to, all on our own...

"I" choose not to post to Matt often, because I feel like I read the same post, over and over from him...

And once again, in the spirit of DBing...

I give time and space, and I pray that his emotions settle, so that he can take a step forward instead of spinning his wheels in sand....

We lean toward people who we can connect with on some level.

Anywoo....


Matt, I am not against you in the least, and my WANT for you, is to stop the insanity that YOU perpetuate in your life....

[LoisB]

It's not the brutal honesty that is upsetting to me...it's the idea that one person is speaking for a some elite group. I think this is unfair to the author of the thread.

I can't speak for Job or Bea or anyone else. I can only speak for me. And, in my opinion, it's sorta bullying to say that you speak for the wisdom of one group.

It's not my place to say, "Job thinks you're not worth the time because you aren't listening or whatever..."

I, actually, don't think this is a bad topic for debate. I think this happens a lot on here and, if there's no discussion about what is fair, then...??? We can take the debate elsewhere. I don't know of any group that doesn't need a shake up from time to time and some boundaries in place to run well.

I know there are people who have a lot of wisdom from their experiences...that's why I'm here...But, I think that responsibility should be handled carefully.

[job]

Please keep my name out of this discussion.

[LoisB]

Sorry.

[Lifes Twists]

I don't disagree with the use of 2x4s or 4x8s. I think we all need them from time to time. I know I do. I also agree that matt does come across as if he is judge and jury. I think it will eventually get through to him. We all have to either process things and move on and grow or give up and go away. My concern is when the choice of words comes across as you are to stupid to listen and therefor I am going to punish you by not trying to help you anymore. Isn't that what our MLCers are doing and are we not trying to not sink to that level?

Actions speak more than words. Here words can be actions. I had dealings with the president of a union at a place I worked. She had filed a grievance that she was due a grade increase. She felt she was due this because of the number of years she had been there. She was not capable, but she should get it because of years only. My caution is when you say you are a vet or an expert you are just waving your own flag. If you wave your own flag, are you really what you say you are? Why do you need to wave your flag? Again your word actions will speak more that your words.