And... TODAY I danced around like a fool with my 8 year old son to the theme song to "The Fresh Prince of Bel Air" with a smile on my face and happiness in my heart (even for a brief moment). Moments like this I will treasure always.
Last edited by fthnluv; 09/12/1403:14 AM.
Me- 40 H- 41 S8, D5, S4 M 19 y T 23 Bomb drop 6/2013 H asked for/filed for D 9/2014 22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
Days are so weird. I was having a decent day yesterday and then I watched the ending of "Bachelor in Paradise" and saw people professing their love for each other as well as crying over "breaking up" and I was bawling and screaming (in my head) at the TV "why are you crying? You've known him for 2 weeks! Imagine 23 years and 3 kids later and now he's saying he wants to break up! THAT hurts! This is nothing!" I was also thinking "Man, I used to have a H who loved me like that but I don't anymore..." Yikes. I need to avoid shows like that.
Today is going better. Got insurance license all officially renewed and valid again, in case I need it. Spoke to another lawyers office to set up consultation, hopefully for next week.
H is still almost constantly on my mind. I can forget for a while while I do that math practice I am doing before doing the assessment I need to do to get back into college (it's amazing how much we forget!) but I can only do that for so long before I go mind numb.
Going out of town for family birthday parties this weekend. I'm going to do my best not to tell anyone what is going on because nothing IS yet, officially, and most of them would not understand my standing for the M, given our circumstances. I am truly just praying that H is still in there (or will come out again while I am still standing) and we can restore this M one day.
Me- 40 H- 41 S8, D5, S4 M 19 y T 23 Bomb drop 6/2013 H asked for/filed for D 9/2014 22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
Really focus on treating yourself well during this time.
This is a long journey.
Do you have any local support either in a church group or Alanon or Divorce care group.
Whatever way your story goes you will need local support in addition to these boards. Its the support of loving friends and family that have saved me from becoming bitter.
I am so grateful today for my family. I am really so so lucky - I have 2 healthy beautiful smart kids.
When I backslide mentally I now have tools to get my PMA back.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
So, I just got served, via the USPS with divorce papers. My H didn't even have the decency to tell me he filed (even when I specifically said "hey, there's no reason I need to tell my family about this, at this point it's only a conversation, nothing has actually been done" when he knew all along he had filed just days earlier.
The good news is that H filed for D in PA rather than in my state. This means he will have to prove we have been separated for 2 years (which he tries to claim is the day he went out there, not true, he left for work only in Nov 2012 and has been there and coming home monthly ever since, all of his stuff is still at my house, he still lives here too!) which I will contest with all of my paperwork showing we were still a couple up until he said he wanted a D on 8/27/14. So, at least this gives me the option to contest the D and hopefully drag it out long enough for him to somewhat come to his senses.
At least he didn't wait until next week to serve me, that is the week of our anniversary and that would have really stung even worse.
Me- 40 H- 41 S8, D5, S4 M 19 y T 23 Bomb drop 6/2013 H asked for/filed for D 9/2014 22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
So sorry to hear you got served, ft. Not that it helps but know that my W did the same thing. She told me that she wasn't even going to see a lawyer and a week later, I got served. Not unusual. They lie about the dumbest things. It's not like he can say "Oh, I didn't mean to file. It just happened!".
Great to hear he filed in PA by the way! Much better stater than the one I'm in!
Good for you for being proactive in seeing a lawyer and renewing your license.
A few things about the MLCer. They want to to feel heard. You dont have to like what he wants, but you do have to hear it.
So, when you stuff like you did about divorce and the kids, you say it with an expectation that it will matter to him. It wont as this time. He is in selfish mode.
He is in crisis and he is hurting and it trying to find out how to fix it. I know you are hurting, too. A great deal. But as I said, he isnt thinking about that.
Now that doesnt mean he shouldnt get truth darts at some point. But the time for that isnt now. You are still too early into this for that.
COntinue to do what you need to do for you and your kids and leave him to blowin the wind right now.
He needs to walk this journey. Your job is to get out of the way of it.
Please be sure to protect yourself financially as they can wreak havoc there.
You will be ok. You will get through this. One day at a time.
Spoke to H today and told him he was a coward for letting me be served without even having the decency of telling me ahead of time. He said "they didn't tell me they were mailing it yet", yeah, likely story, and it's not as if he didn't know they were being written up. He then went on an on about how his attorney was saying he was being too generous to me (us) with support (which may be technically true, but it's still only enough to pay the bills) and made it pretty clear that if I contest anything he will get nasty (less $) too. I just love his whole "I'm a great guy and I don't want you and the kids to suffer, financially" but then always adding the dig that he could be less generous as a way to keep me from contesting.
He also told me that he stopped wearing his wedding ring a few months ago (but wore it when he came back home, of course) and when I asked why he is holding himself out there as a single man (which is the only reason he'd take it off) he said it was because to him, it is done, over. He's never changing his mind, he says. He still swears there is no OW but refuses to give me his banking and phone records from back there so I can see if I am being treated fairly or not. I guess my lawyer will have to figure that out.
Losing hope...
Me- 40 H- 41 S8, D5, S4 M 19 y T 23 Bomb drop 6/2013 H asked for/filed for D 9/2014 22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
Ok, sweetie. Most of what he said, we have all heard in one form or another.
Right now your focus has to be on protecting you and your kids however you need to.
Put your marriage safely in a box for now. You need to get yourself good and strong.
Try to stop engaging with him when he starts talking about the marriage and divorce.
And yea, the never changing his mind thing....we know he already did that once...
Sweetie, it really is best for you to take care of you and your kids. Keep contact with him to a minimum. I know you are afraid if you do that he will pull away completely. But the truth is that he really needs to work this out on his own.
When you talk at him....he is hearing blah, blah, blah...she isnt hearing me.
Oh and there is always hope....until you decide there isnt.
So, tell us more about you. What are some of the things you need to work on?
uRworthy, you are so kind. Your words mean so much to me.
About me, I am 40 and a SAHM now, was in the insurance industry 20 years prior. I am very involved with my kids school and my church (although I'm terrified that they all will "find out" that my H left me and think there's something wrong with ME, not many on the outside world understand this whole MLC stuff and how it really can NOT "take 2 to tango" the end of a wonderful marriage) I have an amazing support system in my family (some of whom know MLC well, my Aunt had the same thing happen to her after 30 years) and even in H's family (except that my MIL, who I completely adore, is making so many excuses for his behavior it'd driving me insane).
With this clouded brain from today I can't think of anything else...
Talked to my attorney from PA who advised that the $ amount that my H is offering is an amazing deal and I should jump on it (once the papers are legally filed, apparently what he filed so far is just the beginning docs) but he also stated that we could contest the separation date and make it no earlier than 5/2014 (when we vacationed together and had marital relations) and force counseling. Not sure which way I should lean on this one. I want to do what's right and buy time for my MLC'er and our M but I also don't want to screw me and my kids, financially (which may happen if I contest or force counseling)... Any BTDT in this regard?
Me- 40 H- 41 S8, D5, S4 M 19 y T 23 Bomb drop 6/2013 H asked for/filed for D 9/2014 22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
