You're doing awesome, Heather. Yes, there are plenty of really incredible men out there that will treat you well, when you're ready. I'm guessing one day you will look back and wonder how you ever "thought" you were happy before. The new life and freedom to dream will open so many doors for you.
You don't know what the ow may think about you filing versus your h filing. She might actually be glad you did it since he's been so passive about the whole thing. You've not only set yourself free, but you've also set him free as well.
It's not about who filed first or bit the bullet to the start the proceedings. The victory is the fact that you've finally made a decision about the marriage and do not want to remain in limbo any longer. Filing for divorce will set you free to move on and maybe one day meet someone worthy of you. That's the victory.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yours is a popular thread for good reasons. I have been following along with your adventures.
I hope you do well in Salem. I hope Smokey one day realizes what he lost... I hope your girls make the transition well and there are better days ahead.
You gave it everything. Now it's time to give your new life everything. You know how to do that.
We're all rooting for you.
---GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
"""""I think I am the love of his life...but, I think he is choosing this lifestyle over love, commitment and responsibility. That's what's appealing. My mom actually said it best right after I discovered the affair with the fellow drug-addled skank..."He isn't choosing her over you...he is choosing the that lifestyle over you and the kids."
That really fits...because he didn't just abandon me...he left his life, his kids, his dog, his everything
And, I know, when he has thought about us and our life here...it isn't appealing in any way.
I have to get past the part where I feel that somehow I wasn't enough...not sexy enough, not whatever...part of me still feels like I must be worthless to have someone abandon me for someone else and, then, be happier. This, however, isn't a guy who really knows what happy is...he knows how to get through the day. That's what he does...he gets through the day.
I want more."""
So brillant. And so so true.
You are doing so so awesome and I think your job sounds like a fantastic position. You really have an opportunity to shine and be creative and also because you are running a magazine an opportunity to be involved immediately in the communitity.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Thanks guys!! Yep, it's all gooooooood. Pieces are falling into place.
Here are some of the pieces:
1. Had a therapist...a really good one...once pull me aside. She had been working with Smokey after one of his many relapses. She said, "You realize that this man has some pretty huge mountains to climb before he can be the man you need/deserve?" It scared the hell outta me...why? Because this would mean I was alone in the world!! HOLY SHID!! Lil Heather without anyone to take care of her. Because, according to those around me, I'm pretty incapable of taking care of myself. Bought right into that one.
2. Moving became appealing to me this summer once I realized that this dream was really dead. Dead, dead, dead. I've spent sooo much time holding myself back and waiting around for this guy who will take like two steps up his mountain and, then, retreat back to his "cozy" smoke-filled shack by the river. That's what is comfortable to him and I need to accept it. I don't think this was ever about love. In fact, I think the love made it really hard for him to pull the trigger. But, he may simply be someone who is incapable of being more than he is. I need to accept him as he is. In some ways, this is my way of honoring my marriage vows. I'm allowing him, finally, to be who he is. Very, very limited in so many ways.
So funny, after Life's comment about "Why am I feeling sad about this guy who smokes a lot of weed and passes out on the couch after belching and passing the gas..." I remembered how much it used to annoy me that Smokey found passing the gas and burping at the table funny. I wasn't raised that way and I couldn't see the humor. He has always had a very adolescent humor, while I've always leaned to Monty Python and such.
Anyway...I cracked open two fortune cookies yesterday:
1. "A man's true character can be learned by what he finds humorous."
2. "You will find a beautiful new home within the year."
Quote:
Just posted this on Shining's thread. I think I need it over here for future reference:
Shining, my sweets, you WILL be JUST fine...with or without this man. Mine is riding off into the sunset with a his drug-addled skank and seems to be perfectly content with his new life. And, guess what??? I'm ok. In fact, I'm better than OK. I'm pretty damn awesome. He has no idea what he's missed or what he is missing out on...
So, here's the deal. I was pretty stuck until I did some deep trenchwork on my own insides. I needed to dredge up a lot of shid to open myself up to the possibilities of a life without Smokey. He was a part of my life since I was 12. I need to do a groundup restoration of myself...foundations and all.
I suggest you do the same. It's painful and it means letting him GO...but, in the end, you discover yourself and realize you will ALWAYS have YOU and God and that's not gonna change no matter what life throws at you.
Quote: Ummmm… I thought it was Divorce Busing, Save Your Marriage site… Sometimes I wonder why some people get one advice and others get complete opposite…
I think this is a really interesting question. But, I'm beginning to get it. In my case, for instance, I was married to a load. Pretty much...a really damaged guy who was fairly content being damaged. It was safe. Time and again, (haphazardly throughout our life together) he tried to push himself outta his comfort zone for me and the kids...but, it never lasted...he always went back to what was safe and comfortable.
In my case, it's obvious that I was married to someone who really had no intention of moving out of this tunnel. He needs the tunnel for whatever reason. And, I have been holding myself back in my own life by dwelling on this loss of him. In my case, I needed to be pushed and prodded to move forward with my life.
Yes, I will always love him. I'm not sure I would ever be able to be married to him again...I think I'm towers above what he can offer now...but, I'm cool with that. I'm heading to the life that God intended for me. I really feel that. I feel that this is where God wants me...I've put myself on hold for toooooooo long...like 18 years too long.
Sometimes in life we are faced with a crossroads. We have to decide if we are content to continue on the path we know or...try something new. Very Robert Frost.
In recent months, God has put this into my heart..."Smokey is irrelevant Heather. This journey has always been about YOU. You were stuck. You needed a crowbar to push/pull/hammer yourself outta the position where you were wedged.
Love him from afar. Pray he figures it out. But, push yourself to look at why he is attractive in the first place. Push yourself to look at why you still want the person who caused all this pain to make it better, to heal the wound...he is the wounder...look to yourself to heal that wound. You will never, ever let you down once you get the hang of it.
I think this is what K was trying to say and I agree with her.
Look up Susan Anderson's Abandonment books. Codapendent NO MORE by Beattie...Look to strong, empowered women who have risen above similar situations and come out ok.
You can do this!!!
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Having said all that...The filing for divorce really shook me up. The cost scares me. The fact he is relieved scares and hurts. What this means for D12 scares me. I know the atty that he has just thrives on divorce because he loves to file all sorts of ridiculous motions...now, at the same time...I know that Smokey will probably more in agreement than not because he won't want to spend the money or come back to our hometown any more than I will...
But, the whole idea is scary. I'm moving to a new state and I'm not making a million dollars and it's scary...STILL...not having a clear path ahead. But, I guess I will focus on the positives. I won't be in town where I can run into everyone. I won't have to be privy to the spin my inlaws put on this. I will have some distance to protect D12 because we all know that Smokey isn't a ball of energy when it comes to spending time with her AND I will have, at least, a temporary order for a set amount of support.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
This really was never about love was it?? The love just made it harder. I think I'm getting it.
I know you all have been saying this from the beginning. But, I'm finally understanding now. It's not the love. The love gets in their way because it stands between giving into the crisis completely. They can't see that, but it makes sense.
Ok. Back to packing and MY life. That makes me feel better though. I need to know I didn't imagine the love. Then, I can move forward.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
So, are there really men who WANT a real relationship with a woman that involves more than smoking grass and getting drunk? Like...maybe...just maybe...there's a guy out there who may enjoy my company and would actually look forward to spending time with me???? Could it be???
Yesss! YES! There are plenty of good men out there waiting to be scooped up. It is all on you to make the right choice.
I come from a family of 4 sisters.
The oldest and I are a lot like...careful and cautious when dating.
The youngest is happily married and has a rock solid family life with her 3 kids.
The second sister (I'm #3 in order) goes out with losers all the time. It has always been that way since she's been a little girl. We are all raised by the same Mom. Nothing earth shattering here.
Yet this second sister is now on her third divorce. I think she's attracted to broken men because she likes the challenge of "fixing" them.
At one point, she dated this guy we all LIKED a lot and hoped she'd marry. What happened? She dumped him because she didn't feel "in love" with him. Gee whiz!!! Say what?!! This guy was in finance, had a good solid family and had good long-term goals.
Nope. My #2 sister goes for the losers/bad boys.
She's going 50 soon. Go figure.
Don't let "broken men" get near you, Heather. You deserve nothing but the best! They are plenty of good men out there. Don't settle for second best.
Hey Heather, been awhile since I have posted to you.
Just wanted to say you are doing well. Moving forward. Taking control of your life. All good things. Good for you.
I noticed that you wrote you are sorry you werent the one who could make him happy. I think one of the most important things we should learn on this journey is this - we cannot make someone else happy. That has to come from within.
Our job in this life is to find what fills us up and find peace with ourselves. That's where happiness lies. If we get to share all of that with someone else.....bonus.
I know the idea of the divorce is really scary. It's a tough thing. But once you get it behind you, you will feel lighter. It's a business transaction. The feelings reside in your heart.
Which brings me to the next part. What you had with Smokey was real. It happened. The love was real. The feelings were real. It is part of your life story. Dont allow all the other stuff to taint those memories. Store them safely away. They are yours.
