My wife and I never aurgue. Guess what, she does not think I stand up to her. In my effort to please her, I have pretty much never voiced my own opinion or feelings. I am finding that is probably wrong. I think women want to know what is going on inside you weather it is good OR bad. I tend to bottle all emotions inside me. I have read a book about women that I want to read again that I think is very helpful to understanding what women want in a realtionship with a man. Here is a link to it What Women want men to know.
I will admit that me understanding women is like amatuer hour. I think that what I understand is that women want to share what is in your thoughts, GOOD OR BAD. They like this more then NOT being informed. They want to SHARE your feelings. So by not telling the wife when differences do arise, they start to feel like they can walk all over you is my guess. The way to sex is through their heart and mind.
Funny thing about this book is that the author wrote a very good book on how to understand men. The book on understanding women is at LEAST 4 times the size of the book for understanding men. Women have the easy part in relationships, at least with us HD guys, they just need to feed us and give us great sex. Us guys on the other hand have to be good at everything that is NOT sex, in effect, EVERYTHING else. LOL!
Your "Guide" is very good...geez, so many things are identical. I could almost use it instead of mine. I've probably put 20 hours into writing my list and might like to post it...It's just too "personal" right now. I would have to change the "voice" from I to "the high drive spouse" and "you" to "the low drive spouse" etc.
Would a LD spouse prefer it in the 3rd person? Have you (or anyone else) used your guide with a LD spouse? What was the result?
Give her the list of what you want. Create a calander with times and places if you like. At least that will be a start.,
I doubt she really wants a list, even though that is what she says.
Don't be shy - write the list and give it to her. She told you that was what she needed from you.
Item 1: I want to have sex with you Monday, Wednesday and Friday. You name the time and place.
Item 2: I want to get a bj from you On Tuesday and Thursday. I name the time and place.
Item 3: Saturday and Sunday, let's do strictly family stuff.
When she tells you "that is not what I meant", then you have a second opportunity to discuss the issue with her.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Here's my list....it's similar to CeMar's Guide but is more personal. Note that none of these things are "new". She enjoyed these things at one point or another.
----- begin ----- First, I love you tremendously and am addressing this to ensure that we have a wonderful, fulfilling life together. This "guide" addresses only one aspect of our relationship that I wish to improve but I strongly believe that other aspects are deeply intertwined.
My vision is that your physical desire increases to a level near mine and that you become an active, enthusiastic partner in nurturing this part of our lives for many years.
I will try to indicate activity-intervals but this is very complex. For example, a week of intense activity could precede a week of nothing. But to achieve the goals we probably need to force a little regularity.
Some ideas might seem silly but I hope you consider that it is not really the acts themselves but the mentality behind them. Somewhere in your ingestion process of an idea, take a second to re-evaluate what I'm asking for and understand that I truly want to add some depth and color to the fabric of our relationship.
Besides the enjoyment of an actual act, I want to enjoy the fact that I'm married to someone who embraces new ideas objectively, and faces challenges with enthusiasm instead of despair. If some ideas push your current comfort level a little, then embrace it as a challenge and enjoy it.
With that said, the following list of behaviors would represent a near-equal exchange of physical interest and dramatically change the way I feel on many different levels.
1. Daily Reminders. You get an A+ for the effort you are currently making. I recognize this and really appreciate it. I recognize that you are doing some of these already but I'm just repeating them to indicate how much I like it.
* Make sure that once a day, you give me a really sensual kiss in addition to regular ones.
* Occasionally mention how it would be nice to have the "little one" spend time at friend's (or relative's) house so we could have time together.
* Sleep naked with me frequently. I love everything about your body, the way it looks and feels. If temperature is an issue, then let's get different bedding. Heck, I'll even buy an AC unit specifically for the bedroom. If you are concerned about surprise guests...daughter, firemen etc. Keep your PJs in the bed, a robe on the night stand, etc.
* I really love it when you pun or turn an innocuous reference into something a little naughty. I can't give you a specific example, but you do occasionally do it and it's really cool. Occasional things like this remind me that you can put your mind into "naughty mode" sometimes - it's very fun. I'm not asking for more of this but just letting you know I like it.
* Occasionally talk to me about some of the things in this list and how we can keep things "fresh" and enjoyable.
* Let me know where I can make positive changes to increase your desire. It's very hard for me to do all the driving...take the wheel occasionally on this topic...even if it means writing instead of talking.
* Address some of the goals we are working on. Either privately or with me. Do a little research on them and let me know you did...this would indicate that you really care about improving things.
* I respect that we should have some TV time, but if there's nothing on...let's take it as a cue to spend some time working on "us".
3. Build Anticipation and Hope I would love it if you surprised me occasionally with a disclosure or a clue that you had thought about something sexy or specifically our sex life. This could be the following but isn't limited to....
* The purchase of a book...can range from massage instruction to erotic fiction.
* A disclosure about a fantasy or dream.
* Buying a sexy garment.
* Hiding a surprise in my suitcase before a trip. Something on the steamy-side would be really fun.
* Letting me know what I can do to surprise you...I'm guessing you would want things a little more romantic than sexual.
* Find a place for our daughter to play with the intention of spending time with me.
4. Honor Certain Days We should agree that certain days need to be "sacred". Knowing this, I will make extra certain that I'm not a buzzkill and you can prepare yourself and/or the schedule to make it work best. Here are the days I'm thinking of right now...
* The day before (or day of) a trip. I love to have the "peaceful feeling" that I get after we are "together" and it makes time away more toleratble.
* The day when I return from a trip. It completely erases the tension acquired by the travel.
* Special days like our Anniversary, Valentines, my birthday, your birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, Presidents Day, MLK day, Juneteenth, 4th of July, Memorial Day, Labor Day...ha...just kidding. Actually Anniversary, Valentines day and my birthday are all I care about.
6. Being Creative We should get a book on "new things to try" and be creative to keep it interesting and fun. I'm sure we will happily fail sometimes but that's ok because we will hopefully be keeping the game alive and trying something else a few days later.
* Once again, your research and purchase of a book like this would be really cool
* Collaborating with me would be nice too.
7. Initiation I would really be excited to have you occasionally take the lead and plan a time for intimate time.
* Give me a clue like a note, email or something. It might make setting expectations easier while making it fun for me. You will then enjoy how cool, calm, and relaxed (and probably more helpful) I am prior to it. I would like to do the same but would probably need you to communicate a timeframe that would work for you. let me know what things I can do to boost your desire and minimize any "buzzkills" that might affect your desire as the time approaches.
8. Regular Intimacy I've invented 3 categories of "intimacy sessions". Each one addresses different dynamics. I've thought carefully about how I feel, my thresholds, what triggers certain emotions etc. I've labeled these into 3 categories of "intimate time" or (I hate this term) "sessions".
C. Affection Time (that say a little more) I love affectionate cuddling about every night, but a "C" time would involve just a little bit more with about 10-15 minutes of kissing (more passionate) and touching with occasional "gropes" just for playful fun. A few times a week would be good. It is not expected to lead to any further sexual touching unless you desire it to. I will always assume that night-time is sleepy time and not expect anything more than this unless you tell/clue me that its going to lead to more. This will typically be in our bed at bedtime so we can go to sleep feeling groovy. Duration: 10-15 minutes Minimum Interval: Every 3 days. Substitutions: "A" and "B" time satisfy this minimum.
B. Fun "B" Time I would love to have regular sessions of playful intimacy and sexual touching at least once every 4-6 days (but the more the merrier). I'm uncertain of the mechanics of your desire but I definitely enjoy giving more than receiving and seeing you feel. While these times will be extremely enjoyable for me, I would gear these toward trying to connect you to the good feelings of love, sensuality, joy and even fun. While there may be moments of deep, loving passion, there should be a sense of freedom to communicate and explore new ideas. Some activities I would desire during this time would be.... * Asking for and encouraging sexual touching and oral attention * Quickies and "nooners" * Taking new ideas from a book even if it seems silly. * Trying out some new technique or toy. * Despite the fact that it might just happen, I won't expect/force you to pleasure me to an orgasm Duration: 30-60 min. Minimum Interval: Every 4-6 days depending upon past "C"s and "A"s. Substitutions: "A" sessions satisfy this minimum. "C"s extend the interval.
A. Romantic Sex Time While "B" is geared more towards learning, play, exploration, and self discovery...an "A" session is a where we focus on lovemaking utilizing the instinctual aspects of our repertoire while focusing on building mutual passion and love. This would typically involve traditional sex but can also be achieved with passionate kissing and touching. For now, I would like more "B"s than "A"s right now because I think "B"s are good for building comfort, trust and new skills which I feel like we need. Duration: 30 min. - 2 hrs. Minimum Interval: Every 10-15 days depending upon past "B"s. Substitutions: Multiple "B" sessions satisfy this minimum. "B"s extend the interval.
9. Playtime To keep things diverse and fun, I would like you to be open minded to the idea of an occasional experimentation with (not necessarily kinky) pleasure enhancing "things". This could range from massage oils to feathers to other things...maybe you would like to buy me a leather, mouth gag thing ;-). The fun is in the fact that you are open to this. How you would approach them is meaningful too. Some examples..
* Trying something that I buy. It would indicate that you are open minded and a good sport.
* Pick one out online. It would indicates that you thoughtfully considered your own physiology and pleasure points.
* Go to a store to buy something. This indicates power and bravery along with all the other qualities I mentioned.
10. Boldness If you discover that any activity increases your excitement then "go for it" without shyness or shame, explore and pursue it. You will never have to worry about judgment from me...I truly love you and want you to enjoy feeling groovy.
Conclusion I wouldn't be intensely stewing over this if I didn't completely and utterly love you. You are getting more of my focus and brain-power than anything else I ever engaged in. Trust me that I love you and will not hurt, embarrass, or humiliate you. My desire for you is to love yourself, love life, love feeling sensual, womanly, and generally feel powerful and fearless. You are such an incredibly great partner and friend and I love you tremendously. I want to get the most out of life and want you by my side.
Wow Dave. I think this is great, and it shows you put a lot of thought into this. I don't know how she could ask for anything more specific, because there is no question in what you want. The A, B, and C "sessions" might get a little confusing, maybe you should have a calendar or something. I could see my wife say something like, "I gave four Cs, but one of those was twice as long, so it should count as five Cs..." But she's a lawyer, so it's expected of her.
If you're talking about Avlimil, it's basically a sham. About the only drug that can help a woman's libido is testosterone, which can be prescribed by a doctor. Even the Berman's sisters' experiments with Viagra on women have been disputed.
From what I have understood, all the drugs that have been tryed on women including viagra, only really were aimed at increasing arrousal. But that is not the problem most of us face in LD women. These arousal drugs must be taken just before the actual sex is to take place. If sex were scheduled, maybe there is some benefi here. The TRUE problem is that of DESIRE, where we want our ladies to be ready and wanting sex at a level that is compatible with us HD's. I believe you are right, that testosterone is the ONLY drug that can actually increase desire. Testosterone is wonderful in many ways for women, but it also has some bad side effects, so it is not really a great choice for "CURING" LD women.
