Well, we're all waiting to see how this all turns out!
I think when we're feeling particularly annoyed with them for whatever reason (past acts, present weirdness, or just for the unfairness of where we find ourselves) it's really hard to keep up that PMA and be friendly and pleasant, just "all business".
There are so many undercurrents going on on both sides. He's got expectations, too, and although you're not responsible for them, they still cloud his communication and reactions to you. Even though it's about the "kids", there is a subtext of the R, future, trying to DB to the best of your ability.
It always feels like there is so much on the line. And we can't really rely on them to understand just how much is at stake and how their actions affect us.
Kind of sad that we can no longer "just" have a conversation, because there is all this stuff churning beneath the surface. Like juggling ten balls at the same time. Takes practice, skill, nerves of steel, and the ability to keep trying even if you get discouraged.
Treading that fine line between friendly and paving the way, vs. standing up for what you need and establishing some boundaries...well, Maybell, good for you for being brave enough to meet that challenge!
Just another practice session for your DBing skill set.
---GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
I have a good attorney, her busy-ness notwithstanding.
As hard as I tried I couldn't figure out how to make it through the meeting without crying, and she said I clearly wasn't ready to take the steps we had been discussing, so we worked out a couple of alternative steps that would give me the security I'm looking for without going further than I was comfortable doing.
She observed that I seemed super sensitive to my H's moods and even asked if I had ever been hit. I haven't. She suggested I need more space away from him to figure out what I want so I can proceed in a way that is good for me.
I cancelled the lunch. The sense of relief I felt at doing that proves it was the right move for me. I know I'm on a "save your marriage" forum. I know that's what I ought to want. I'm sorry if I'm a disappointment to all of you who had greater patience and confidence in the rightness of the relationship to stick it out. But I do need to take time to know for sure that I'm fighting for what I want or not.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Don't apologize to us!! We want what you want, whatever that is. You knowing that you need time and space and that is a good think to know about yourself.
Take this time. Do what you need to do. Figure out what you want. We're behind you all the way.
All of our situations are different. Someone standing while you may choose to fold does not mean that they have greater patience or confidence. It's just different. Know that in your heart.
You apologize for a lot of things. We have no dog in this fight other than wanting you and your kids to be OK. Let go of the misplaced sense of responsibility to us.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
It's hard to know what we want because there is no magical crystal ball to consult about the future. Will we be happier with our MLC/WAS or without them in the long run? Certainly they seem to be making us pretty miserable right now, so it's hard to see a happy future with them. It can happen, but it's a gamble. One that many are prepared to make -- whether because they stand by their vows, or because they truly still love their partner and want to keep trying, or for the kids. But it is a risk, and it may not work out in the long run.
There was a great article about MLC in which a woman said she cured her husband by ignoring his MLC as if he were a toddler throwing a temper tantrum. It worked. He came back. People circulated the story as evidence that it could be overcome.
Then, a few years later, she had to write to clarify that actually they ended up getting divorced a few years down the road.
So even if we do make it through this phase, it doesn't mean that it will last.
The idea that a reconciled relationship will be smooth sailing from that point on is probably not very realistic. There will always be sore spots, trust issues. Maybe some people can get over that, but I'm not sure in my case.
I too have to abandon hope in order to move forward. Maybe I'll be surprised, but I think it's up to each of us to find our own happy endings, and provide them to ourselves, independent of others.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
I honestly have no idea what I want wrt this spouse. I am honestly taking the time right now to understand myself and my boundaries.
I don't expect a reconciled marriage to be happily ever after. I'm not even thinking like that. Really what I'm doing is spending time seeing what others seem to see so clearly, how thoroughly I've lost myself and who I really am. For the attorney to ask if he hit me... That kind of shocked me. I see a lot of patterns in my life and in my H's life that are troubling and require examination.
H at the moment doesn't fit into my picture, but I'm clearly not done so I'm just setting him aside till I'm ready to tackle him.
In any case he hasn't told me about any move to start counseling and if he came begging for a reconciliation tomorrow I wouldn't believe him without it. Probably would only half believe him with it.
Infidelity is the stinky, moldy, tarry pits.
But let it be known -- I am MAYBELL, and I will THRIVE. I'm just taking some overdue me time.
Last edited by Maybell; 09/12/1401:30 AM.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Here I go. This comes with lots of love, even if my stuffy nose and exhaustion prevent me from selecting my words as carefully as you!
I was a bit confused by your back and forth over the lunch... because recently you had mentioned you were stepping back, taking time for yourself. And then, suddenly there was a lot of deliberating over sharing a meal.
You have such clarity and compassion for others-- and it seems harder for you to speak to yourself with that compassionate voice. I wonder why that is.
It is totally reasonable for you to say (to yourself, and to him) that you don't want to have lunch with him at this point. It's totally reasonable for you to say that you aren't sure you want to reconcile, even if that opportunity presented itself.
I think that the term "DB" is really best used in the larger sense-- there are strategies we can use to make an ok/starting to go downhill turn around and be/stay strong. But I think when you're in our position-- he's GONE-- it's kind of a different story. I'm here for a few reasons: 1) Maybe my H will change his mind. I'm certainly not counting on it, and I'm not at all sure that's what I want (he'd need to make some changes too, hello). I'd like it to be my choice, so that is another reason why I'm here. 2) But probably the bigger reason I'm here is to become the best ME-- on my own and definitely in my next R. And this forum is filled with people experiencing similar feelings and situations-- I don't have a group like this IRL.
So, Maybell, don't you dare apologize! This is a pretty safe place to express thoughts like, "I'm not sure I want to be married to my H who cheated on me."!! There is no judgment here.
We're all rooting for you, whatever you choose. xo
