FTR, we were not legally separated when we went to a mediator to hash out a parenting plan. It fell under a Memorandum of Understanding. They were "rules" that the court would order if we were filing for legal separation or divorce (in Colorado, it's one and the same). I wasn't feeling the pressure to initiate legally, but I wanted something that we could use so that we'd know what to expect going forward either way.
My girls were 8 and 5 (almost 9 and 6) when my XH moved out. So we had a pretty similar plan as the one you said. He took them to dinner or back to his place for dinner on M & W evenings and every other weekend. As they got a little older and we were in the swing of things, it turned into overnights on M and W for my youngest and some of the time for my oldest. Her schedule dictated that, and her dad totally understood. But she also understood that I wasn't cooking dinner on either of those nights, so if she thought otherwise, I reminded her. She was at least 15 then, though. Anyway, make it so that you can work out or get a massage or go to dinner with friends while he's in charge (and in town).
Our mediator told my now XH that it would factor into the child support formula, so if he consistently bagged on me, I could reapproach and ask for more $ to accommodate having to parent. My XH isn't one to dodge his kids, so he didn't need the financial threat to keep his word with them. But I have several friends who only got this because of the threat.
Just so you know where your leverage is, in those days whenever he had to travel, I asked for "reimbursement" for weekends that were my scheduled weekends. It wasn't that I didn't want or love my girls. I did and do. And I missed them. But I clearly knew that I needed my own time too. Even if I didn't get quid pro quo, he understood from the get go that he would have to give to get.
In our session with the mediator, we also set holiday/birthday schedules, the days that the kids had off from school, breaks and vacations. Those are all specified in that MOU that was eventually converted into our D decree. And we don't use any of it anymore. The first year we followed it to a T and were all miserable. The next year, one of us raised the white flag and we started to make some changes. But it was really important then to have something in writing that the court would enforce if things went awry. I needed it, Maybell. And I needed the kids to know that I was going to make every attempt at keeping their dad in their daily life to the extent I could.
I won't lie... in the beginning, he was a real a*hole. But I just let it slide off my back, I didn't react, and as he could see the girls move toward me, he stepped it up and decided to be nicer about everything. I think he realized that he was being a childish a$$ and decided he didn't want the girls to see me act nice and him like a butt.
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She did ask me the other day if I was spending Thanksgiving with them and when I said I didn't think so, she flinched.
Maybe you could come back to her and say something like, "I know you want things the way they used to be. I'm not sure if that's going to happen. But let me and Dad see what we can do." And leave it at that? Let her see your efforts to create something that will work best for her and her siblings. (Believe me, I know that you can read that it probably won't be what YOU want, I get that.)
I'll tell you personally that the first year, I had TG and he had Christmas. It was AWFUL. We were all collectively miserable. I'd go so far as to say pathetic. Pathetic with a capital P. And you add me being really angry that I wasn't spending Christmas with my girls, and you get a mess. (I spent it with my friend and her family and it was fine and fun in the grand scheme.) Whenever he brought the girls back home, he waved a white flag. He told me that my now D20 cried all day, had a difficult time eating, and didn't enjoy opening up her gifts. My youngest sulked along with her. And while he was trying to be festive, they got sulkier. LOL. From that point forward, we started sharing holidays as a family again. And we never went back. It was so much easier on all of us. There's hope for everyone. I realize it might not work for other folks, but we both realized it was so much better for the girls to put up with our own discomfort.
BTW, you didn't sound bratty to me. I got it. And I fully understand and agree that this isn't what you or I or any of us here wanted.
Try to take the path that is least likely to be interpreted as combative. And maybe even vulnerable! I, too, have issues here. And the funny thing is that now I can clearly see that those issues are directly correlated and due to my trust issues. Go figure.)
Ok, time to work.
Hugs,
Betsey
Last edited by Cristy; 09/10/1409:36 PM. Reason: per forum agreement, do not use author/book references
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Your h knows you aren't happy with the way things are. It could be a bit of bait ot perhaps he's feeling guilty. That's all mind reading. However, he knows you aren't thrilled with the arrangement.
There isn't a right answer in my opinion (but what do I know). You can either say "I've just been busy" (honest). Bigger question is how do you think you should respond?
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I said "It's hard to explain." He agreed to leave it at that. He invited me to lunch on Friday and with him & the kids on Saturday. I told him I'd think about it and came back here to lay out my case when I realized I was trying to punish him for circumstances rather than actual problems. I realized that was counterproductive so I accepted the Friday invitation, but said I wasn't sure about Saturday because of a GAL thing I have that day.
I'm not sure how to conduct myself on Friday. I could practice vulnerability... But that lays me open in ways I'm uncertain about. I could be businesslike but friendly, but then I'd have a hundred barriers in place and the lunch won't be enjoyable.
Guess I'll treat him like any old dad from school.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I love that you have a solution to help with the house. I've always wondered about organizers. I hope that goes well and eliminates a big weight off your shoulders.
Kids. I think you're handling yourself very well given everything you all are facing. I LOVE the talking stick (naked barbie - LOL!!!) and I think I'm going to implement that into my day with D. She's a chronic interrupter and is NOT LEARNING. God knows we have enough naked barbies lying around.
I just wanted to pass on my encouragement and support.
As far as dinner on Friday... what has NOT been working? I don't think you need to be outwardly vulnerable if you're not ready. Why not "act as if" as a way of being vulnerable. Start acting like you and H are on better terms than you are. You know? This will require you to be open because you could face some rejection at first but you could also confuse the crap out of him and leave him thinking. Not a bad thing, huh?
Treat him like any old dad from school but have fun with him. I don't mean flirt or go overboard. I just mean, act like he's an interesting sort of fun old dad from school.
I would say quit trying to 'plan' how you will act and just be your best self. Be at your best. Look your best, smell your best, and act your best. Act like you did when you two first fell in love. Be a reminder to what he used to want. Remember, he is a guy. He is more primal than you women. You are worried about being vulnerable. He is motivated by your beauty, by scent, by his desire to be with the hottest and best 'catch' in the room. Be that catch!
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
I'm on the fence about this lunch. I have been thinking about what kind of person cheats and the fact that my H doesn't seem to care at all about how much he hurt me. I'm thinking about times when I think he probably lied to me before the affair, and wondering if he's just a self-absorbed narcissist and there's no point in trying. I'm thinking about the time I caught him looking at porn when our daughter was 4 months old, and the way he made such a point of asking me to stay out of the basement (where the computer was at that time) during that period of our marriage. About the time I left for a ten hour drive to work on my graduate thesis and he wasn't even planning to wake up to say goodbye to me that morning. I'm wondering why I would want to attract him back when he has made so little investment in our relationship over the years. I don't want to divorce, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life with a jerk, either.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I'm on the fence about this lunch. I have been thinking about what kind of person cheats and the fact that my H doesn't seem to care at all about how much he hurt me. I'm thinking about times when I think he probably lied to me before the affair, and wondering if he's just a self-absorbed narcissist and there's no point in trying. I'm thinking about the time I caught him looking at porn when our daughter was 4 months old, and the way he made such a point of asking me to stay out of the basement (where the computer was at that time) during that period of our marriage. About the time I left for a ten hour drive to work on my graduate thesis and he wasn't even planning to wake up to say goodbye to me that morning. I'm wondering why I would want to attract him back when he has made so little investment in our relationship over the years. I don't want to divorce, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life with a jerk, either.
Maybell, our H's seem so similar. I can look back at times I totally blew off warning signs, receipts for jewelry and lingerie I didn't get, the porn history on the computer, the emails to my best friend. He went on the offensive each time, I backed off and moved on. Each incident didn't seem like that big of a deal in the scheme of things but when I think back on the whole picture now I must be the biggest fool in history. And I'm pretty sure I don't actually want him back, this separation will be the test of that.
Maybell, Go to your luch. Right now you are experiencing the same doubts we all feel from time to time. Sometimes more often than not! It is easy to dwell on the negatives. But remember, our S have their own list of negatives about us, and we are doing EVERYTHING we can to try and get them to forget about our negatives and focus on our positives. So we at least owe them the same courtesy. I think it is easy for the LBS to focus on our WAS negatives because it makes it easier for us to accept them not being around anymore. But I promise if you spent the same amount of time focusing on all the positives, you would be a tearful mess right now missing the most wonderful H the world could have known. So I get the focusing on negative aspect.
Go to your lunch. Put on your PMA. Be the best Maybell you can be. Be the Maybell he fell in love with. Worry about HIS negatives IF you get to a point where HE is willing to address/work on them. It happens!!
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
Do you want to have lunch with him? And I mean really?
If you don't, don't go. Let him know you're just not there, yet, if ever.
(your concern about his "are you made at me" text is telling. Are you mad at him?)
DB can do many wonderful things for us. But we need to know where we want to go.
And right now, it seems you're unsure. Work that out. Take your time. It's a very important question.
I believe that sometimes we have to do difficult things but we also have to listen to our gut, our intuition. If your gut is screaming at you "don't do this," then don't. At least not right now. Your H left but he's seemingly stuck, still doing things that make you uncomfortable and make him not the partner for you. At least not right now.
You've grown, changed, wrestled with some very difficult questions, with more to come. You're just beginning to see what might be possible.
About vulnerability: "Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection.”
Being vulnerable includes being open to your needs.
Be kind to yourself.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
No, I don't really, really want to have lunch with him. I want to step back from all this and I haven't had enough time away from him while actually concentrating in myself. The thought of *trying* to attract him back right now makes me queasy.
I guess that's my answer. I'll go when I actually want to spend time with him.
We've had a couple of email exchanges in which he offered to take the kids more and I took that opportunity to ask him for a specific weeknight with the kids that they could count on when he's not traveling. He said we could discuss that.
I guess I'll go to discuss the kid stuff. I'll just be myself. I seem to be engaging enough for everyone else I know. If I'm not enough for him, then that's an answer too.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
She was at least 15 then, though. Anyway, make it so that you can work out or get a massage or go to dinner with friends while he's in charge (and in town). 
The first year we followed it to a T and were all miserable. The next year, one of us raised the white flag and we started to make some changes. But it was really important then to have something in writing that the court would enforce if things went awry. I needed it, Maybell. And I needed the kids to know that I was going to make every attempt at keeping their dad in their daily life to the extent I could.