One Year After Separation: I want my WAW Back

[Spacey]

Thanks, Ss06! I can't say I'm impressed with my endurance -- I'm exhausted! -- but I'm seeing results, and it's helping with my mood stabilization, so I have plenty of motivation at the moment.


So, this happened today. I emailed W to ask her about my car keys, and why she still hast hem. I wasn't going to, because I'm trying to stay dark, but it's been a week now and she still had my keys, and standing up to her and enforcing my wishes is a 180 for me. I was non-confrontational in reiterating my request.

She accused me of trying to spy on her through her windows.

I still don't have words. Let's ignore for a second the fact that you can't see into her apartment due to the angles (all you see is the ceiling; the same is true of my apartment. I know this because I lived in that apartment with her for two years before moving out). I don't want to see what's going on in there. Even if I could see into her apartment, I'd go out of my way not to. If I really wanted to snoop, I wouldn't have backed off and gone dark. I was a regular visitor in that place.

I'm still trying to wrap my head around this.

Oh, and for good measure she threatened to call the police if I "can't control" myself.

Almost 11 years I've known this woman. I thought she knew me. Now she considers me a threat. I'm totally gutted. She's completely forgotten who I am.

Sigh.

I have two theories as to what's going on here. They're probably both valid to certain degrees.

1) Her model for separation and divorce is her mother and father, which was... not good. I really thought she'd be able to consider me as something other than an extension of her violent psychopath of a daddy, but I guess not.

2) She's angry at me for pulling away. She even called me out on the timing, asking if I expected her to stay single forever. She seems rather insulted that I won't let her have her cake and eat it too.

I was less gentle than I probably could have been with a response, telling her that I refuse to star in her paranoid fantasies, that I was beyond insulted at the (this time direct) comparison to her father, and that she had to relinquish my keys to a third party immediately.

I suspect this will be the last exchange we have until I go pick up my fur baby in a couple of weeks. I won't be replying to any further emails, and I won't answer the phone if she calls, until that time.

I am so far beyond livid right now that I would need the Starship Enterprise to get back there.

[Wet]

Hi Spacey, "Starship Enterprise", that's good. No one likes being accused of being a stalker, so I understand why this makes you so upset.

One other option that you have not considered as a theory is that W is "projecting" her failings upon you. This could mean either that she is snooping on you, or that she is doing something in her apartment that is something that she really does not want to be caught doing.

Who knows, and it really isn't helpful to dwell on this too much. If you are accused any more of something like this in the future, perhaps laughing at the accusation and saying something like "I am sure I have much more going on in my life than you have in yours", might help diffuse the situation?

[Spacey]

You know, it's not so much the accusation that bothers me. It's laughable. It's that, after knowing each other for over a decade, having opened myself to her and sharing the most intimate details of myself with her, I'm apparently little more than a cardboard stand-in for her daddy issues. She's literally engaging in paranoid fantasies, and doesn't seem to believe I know the difference between love and obsession.

It's like she doesn't even remember who I am. It feels like all of that time and intimacy meant nothing.

I know I can't take it personally, and that it's not a reflection of our relationship, or of me, but this is a real kick to the head. Having an abuse victim compare you to their abuser is like a holocaust survivor comparing you to Hitler, though. It's a low blow, and it's an incredibly inflammatory accusation.

I tried my best to stay calm under the circumstances, but I let her know in no uncertain terms that she's out of her mind if she thinks I have any interest on peeping on her escapades. Unless she's ready to talk us, her business is none of mine.

And you know what? You're right. Maybe she was snooping on me. She said she saw me outside looking in her direction. I've been outside a lot the last few weeks. I run past the building while doing my intervals. I frequently pop out to check out the night sky, or to take in the night cityscape. I've never even bothered to look to see if I was being watched. Apparently I was.

If she makes any further accusations, I'm just going to tell her that I have no idea what she's talking about, that she'd best make any further accusations clear, with specific details, and that I will take all further threats seriously, to the point of going to legal aid if I have to.

[Spacey]

Just a quick journal entry today, as all is quiet on the western front.

Tried to round up some friends to go to the beach, but everyone was busy. So I went anyway. Got out after lunch, and spent the rest of the day on the sands. I'm totally exhausted (and a little chafed -- ouch!). The water was rather chilly, but the waves were great! I stayed out in the surf until my legs wouldn't hold me up anymore.

Then I walked the beach for two hours. I've got a bag full of stones and shells to clean up. I'm going to decorate my bathrooms with 'em!

There was one day this week where I went over my calorie budget (and by "went over" I mean "blew it into a bazillion pieces"), but I've more than made up for it with the two beach trips this week, and the added distance on my workout route. According to my calorie counter, I'm almost 2 lbs worth of calories under my weekly budget. Yay! This is probably a bit of a statistical aberration, but it bodes well for maintaining a loss rate of 10 lbs per month.

Alright, now I have to crawl into the shower, and drag my sore and tired carcass to bed. I'm so tired I just spelled shower "shour".

[Spacey]

Well, yesterday was an eventful day, though not in the way I would have liked.

I went for a super long walk (about 7.5 miles) on what had to be the most humid day of the summer, and in doing so have stayed well ahead of my weight loss goals. My legs were so tired after the beach on Sunday that by the time I came home I was barely able to stand, but I'm glad I did it.

I had trouble finding anyone to join me for activities this weekend, so I decided to reach out to an old friend who I had a falling out with about half a year back or so. That was right around the time my work situation started to become unstable, and I was thrust into something of an existential crisis. I was a pretty bad friend at the time, and they were kind of a bad friend as well (they were also going through some pretty heavy stuff), and we had a big blow up and I walked away from the friendship.

Well, I texted them yesterday to say hi, and see how things were. They were friendly, but when I said that I missed their friendship, and that I was starting to finally put my life back together, they said that they were no longer in a place to be friends again. Understandable, but disappointing. I'm a bit concerned that they never actually told me that life was good right now, in spite of prompting, though. I mean, I can accept that they're not willing or able to be friends right now, but I'd have thought that if life were good they'd at least say so, rather than avoid the subject entirely. I may have burnt that bridge, but they, and their happiness, still means a lot to me.

Just another person I have to care about from afar, for whom I can do nothing to help.

I'm trying to assume that things are good for them, so that I can be happy for them, and not worried for them. At least I got to let them know that I'm here, now, if ever they need me for anything. That feels a lot better than my last last-words to them, which was something along the lines of "don't talk to me again until you've removed your head from..." well, you know how that goes.

Plus, we got to play the mutual appreciation game.

I just hope they're having too much fun with life right now to risk a repeat of last time. I have to try to believe that to be the case, until they tell me otherwise.

Ugh, that's just not how I'm wired.

[Spacey]

No exercise today. I went out for dinner and games with friends this evening, and my poor legs needed the break. It'll be back to the grind stone again tomorrow night, though. I tried on my next-size-down pants this morning, and they almost fit! They fit like skinny jeans (which they're not, so it's kind of a don't-sit-down fit), but they buttoned and zipped! I figure I can actually wear them in about a week, at this rate!

I tried on the next next size down pants this morning as well. They fit about as well as the current target pants did about a week ago, so that's some pretty stunning progress. I'm super pumped about that!

There are a few more beach worthy days coming up this week, so I'm hoping to hit the sands a few more times before the upcoming weekend comes to a close! I seem to burn calories like a mad man at the beach, so this can only be good for me.


Still nothing from W, though a mutual friend is now in possession of my keys. I miss her like crazy, but I know she hasn't had time to miss me yet. It's only been a couple of weeks since I went dark, and in that time we've had a pair of heated exchanges. From what little I have gleaned from those, she still has no concept of forgiveness when it comes to me. Everyone else, sure, but I'm forever wrong. It'll fade, with time. I do wonder whether she'll ever get over my backing away, though. I have a feeling she's rather upset with me over that. She really does like having her cake.

Oh well, nothing I can do about it, except hold my ground. The only thing we have binding us in any way now are our furballs.

[Spacey]

Well, my paperwork's been signed, and I'm officially "part time faculty", at least until Christmas. Yay! It's a whopping 4 hour per week, but at least it'll get me out of the house a couple times per week!

I just did up my first batch of posters advertising my tutoring services, too. I'll get them printed off this weekend, and post them around the campuses in the middle of next week. That should be right around the time all of the freshmen start getting their first homework assignments.

Still no word back from any of those other jobs. Updating my resume this week, and submitting applications to more places. I'm really hoping one or more of the start-ups I've sat down with over the past couple of months would get back to me, but all of their positions are contingent on government grants, and, well, August is summer holiday month. Hopefully with September here, they can at least start getting back to me to tell me "no".

[Ss06]

Congratulations on the part time faculty position. You never know, sometimes those evolve into more so stay positive.

About the other jobs, have you dropped a line to them inquire as to the status of the position? Can't hurt, might help.

[Spacey]

Thanks, Ss! I have my fingers crossed that a class will open up in the winter term. They're more work, but they pay better than the lab instructor positions.

I spent some time today trying on clothes that have been hiding in my closet for a while. It turns out I have an interesting variety of jean cuts.

At my peak, about six weeks ago or so, I was wearing jeans with a 38" waist. When I had to buy those, that's when I started to take my weight gain seriously.

Well, the 38s now officially fall off of me without a belt. My 36s? They fit, but they're still a little too tight to wear (this is the pair that I should be able to wear more or less comfortably by this time next week, if I keep up my current pace).

I also have two pairs of 34s, which I bought this time last year while I was in the middle of my post-BD not-eating-always-moving phase. One of them actually fits as well as the 36 does. My goal now is to have that pair of 34s fit comfortably by the end of September, and the other pair of 34s (which are a different cut, and which I can't even button yet) by Halloween.

I'm still phasing -- and sometimes rather violently -- between feeling hurt, and angry, and betrayed, and just really missing W and wanting her to look at me once more like she used to. I think the moments of peace and calm are starting to get longer, but still... Right now, I'm not even sure I want to stop being angry. I'm nowhere near a point of forgiveness yet.

Still, I miss her like a lost child misses its mother.

[Spacey]

The last couple of days have been... Well, they've been more of the same, really, but they've felt really eventful just because of the emotional roller coaster. I'm trying really hard to not think about W too much, but it's hard. I know she has to go do here thing, and that thing may take years, especially if she refuses to even acknowledge that she even has an issue, so I really need to detach, but man is it hard. She seemed to find it so easy to walk away, and she did it at a time when I had never needed her more. I find it so hard to let go of that.

For years, I've been the scapegoat. With me out of the picture now, I get the impression that she's living it up a bit. That kinda hurts, and I'm trying to walk as far away from all of that as I can. It's just not happening fast enough for my liking.

Still jumping all over the place, as far as mood goes: sad one minute, angry the next. The one emotional place I haven't been able to reach yet is happiness. I really hope that's at the end of all of this recent confusion. I look at pictures of myself from a few years ago, and I looked like a totally different person. The features are all the same, but you can see it in the eyes, and in the smile. Today, my eyes make me out to be a sad man, and my smile paints me as a liar. A few short years ago, that was the farthest thing from the truth anyone could have imagined.

I went to the beach again on Friday, and thoroughly wore myself out. It looks like that may have been the last summer beach day, as the temperature has since plummeted. I'm really glad I made the trip out to the shore. Yesterday, a friend invited me out to a barbecue, and we had a great time hanging out on their patio and playing board games.

When I got home last night, I had an email in my inbox from someone looking for tutoring. They must be panicking, because they want to meet this afternoon. That'll be good for me; an excuse to get out of the house, and a few dollars in my pocket. Afterwards, I'm going to have to clean up my apartment. I've been a little lax this week in that department, and it's starting to bring me down. A good sweep and tidy will hopefully help sort out my head space a little bit.