How to Fling an Otter Across Two States

[LoisB]

After Lois Wilson, co-founder of Al-Anon.

Job, that hurts. I wonder. Does he move on, always looking over his shoulder? Leading what kinda life?

The little girl in me asks, "How can he forget us? How can he just push us away? We are soooo awesome! How?"

He's a lifer, isn't he? How could I not see it? How could I choose someone so damaged for my children?

And, worse, how do I still love someone who has simply decided that our life together doesn't exist anymore? Am I to blame? Did I make things worse? I just don't get it.

I guess the move is making this all the more real and final. He is gone forever to all of us. I don't understand.

[LiveNow]

Heather - I am so sorry, that you and your kids have to go through this. I don't have lots of brilliant words of advice, but you are forging ahead - keep doing it. You are actively making a new life for yourself, which is the best you can do right now. I wish you tons of luck in finding an affordable rental, and I hope your job turns out to be something that makes you happy - and pays the bills! You deserve it. It sure seems like you are following Lois Wilson's words to the letter!

I'm finally starting to realize the same - I believe my H is gone forever now too. And I surely don't understand it all either. Probably never will. All we can do is make the best of what is left, and trust that God has a better plan in store for us down the road.

[LoisB]

Thank you Live. Just hit a harsh moment of sadness and reality. Leaving is really letting go of the dream.

Just got into an argument with D20. She came home from her college visit all pumped up and ready to go back. After promising me a year of her help, she is now saying that she wants to go back to school...like now...or January. I lost it. Not completely...held myself together, but was firm...REALLY FIRM. After all the pressure she put on me to move and...

Anyway, I stood my ground. She tried to blame me for her Not being in school...I reminded her that SHE didn't add the $2500 debt to her student loans in time...that SHE hasn't paid anything toward the debt...she she didn't study hard last semester...etc...

I'm stepping away. I'm sorry she is upset about not being in school right now. I'm sorry that she had to watch while I used some college funds to pay for the attorney...but, I'm done apologizing. Does that make sense? I'm sorry for her situation right now...but, I'm DONE apologizing. I've done my best and I've begun to turn things around.

She is 20 and can handle working for one year...taking some community courses...then, go back. One year. I don't think it's too much to ask. If she had gotten a 3.0 last year as I asked, I would have felt differently. She didn't. She failed classes and had incompletes. Then, and only THEN did I take the money and use if for an atty. After Smokey refused to pay the remaining $2500 he had promised to pay.

It's done. I told her she is responsible for paying the $2500...I will help after that's paid for..

[job]

Heather,
I'm proud of you for standing up to your D20. I had a feeling she was going to return and announce that she wanted to go back. Why? Because of all her friends and activities. I agree w/you...had she gotten the grades and paid her $2500 on time, you might have been leaning more towards her going back, but she didn't do either one. She's still very new in admitting that she's got a problem with alcohol and she needs to be attending AA and getting stronger in her recovery.

She's an adult now, so she needs to figure out what she's going to do w/her life. It's time now for her to grow up and figure out what she wants to do and how to go about it. Life provides lessons and we all have to make mistakes and figure out how to correct them.

I wouldn't apologize again. You've had to make some tough decisions and you are the one that was at home, trying to home school and keep the family together and yes, stress over money, while your D20 was away at school. She truly has no idea, or maybe doesn't want to see, what you had to deal with.

Heather, drop the rope and allow her to figure her own life out. If she opts to remain behind when you move, so be it...but if she opts to go, you will need to emphasize to her that she will need to figure things out, get a job and if she wants to take some classes at night, she can do so. If I recall, she had several incompletes last year...what happens with those? Does she retake the classes?

Stick to your guns and do not waiver on what you've told her. Time for her to grow up and accept responsibility for her actions.

P.S. Heather, I'm sorry if my earlier posting hurt you, but I was stating only the simple truth. Some walk away and never look back and leave their families in the dust. No one knows what your h will do, but from his patterns, he may very well be a Disney Dad and only post periodically and around holidays. Time will tell once you move.

[LoisB]

Thank you Job.

It's the truth that hurt, not your post. He's dug quite a deep cavity in the earth with one-after-another bad, terrible, hurtful choices...crawling out may not be in his power.

I did apologize again last night. She did too. Dammit. In a moment of making peace. IDK. Two steps forward and one back...BUT, I told her that we needed to come up with some firm expectations on BOTH sides if she comes with us to NY. Her ego was stroked big time back at school. "Mom, you wouldn't believe everyone who missed me..." In her mind, she sees like the entire campus missing D20. Ego much? Welcome to the world of alcoholism. Grandiosity as a way of life.

I will not waiver. This $2,500 needs to be her problem to fix. She wanted to dip into what's left of the college funds ($5-6000). I said, "No." Pay off the debt, then we can talk about the remaining funds. I think that's reasonable. I also told her that, if she takes care of the $2500, I will work on adding more funds to the this savings.

She said she didn't drink last weekend. She was full of shock that I wasn't full of platitudes for her efforts. I was honest and told her that I have a hard time trusting alcoholics when it comes to their drinking. This is such a slippery slope. I hate this. She needs to be getting the Atta Boys from others in recovery...but, I can't say that. Her sandbox.

I do feel a lot of clarity about my own feelings though. And, it felt good to work through the resentments I was feeling without my tail between my legs. I'm getting better at holding my own with her. And, she seems to fall in line when I do.

She really needs someone who doesn't fall for her B.S. That used to be Smokey's job. They read each other like neon signs. God, I really miss him right now.

I look around and all these years and memories and we are leaving and it just hurts...How can he not see this family that loves him and would be there? How can he choose to turn his back?

He always came back. This time he is choosing the dark instead of the light.

It's not about the marriage anymore or just the two of us...It's more like a family thing...we are all connected and he...I can't express it.

There's this picture of all four of us on a beach...taken about a year before he left. He is about 30 pounds heavier, but joyful and jumping in the air...we all were...one of those family pics where everyone wears white and jumps at the same time. D12 is 7 or 8 and missing two front teeth and D20 looks young and beautiful and we are all smiling and jumping and acting silly.

I offered the photo to Smokey when he moved last year. He turned it down because he couldn't stand to see himself "fat." He only saw himself in that picture...he missed the joy of a family having this joyful moment together.

How sad. How effin sad.

[LoisB]

Sitting at my garage sale. It's a bit thrown together, but I've earned $50 so far. We are heading back to Watertown tomorrow to look at a property that seems to fit our criteria...affordable lease, older/historic home, possibility of land contract at some point, pets allowed, rural/in the town where I will be working...etc...The property needs some work, but the owners are anxious to put someone in it. It's been sitting empty for 2 years. The owners seem to be really lovely people who adore the property and want to see someone come in and love it like they do. We shall see. There's a treehouse, winding creek in the back, surrounded by farmland and old barns...

I met with my atty this morning. My heart is heavy today. It's not because he gave bad news...just scary. My main concern...above the money...is having Smokey FORCE D12 to visit for months at a time...really, having her being forced to visit at all is a concern.

He wasn't able to reassure me that it couldn't happen. But, when I told him of Smokey's pattern of involvement (zero)...he said, "I would imagine this move of yours is something of a relief to him."

This atty has been at this for nearly thirty years. He said that having a psychologist on my side...would be to our advantage. I am thinking that having two psychologists on our side would be even better. I may take her back to the original doc who diagnosed the Asperger's...let her know D12's progress and give her .02 on the importance of D having a say in whether she sees her dad.

So much of this has been out of her control. I want her to feel like she has choices with this man who has mistreated her so badly. I just don't want her forced to do anything she is uncomfortable with...she has already had to compromise on so many things...And, now, the move. So, I guess I do feel somewhat empowered that I can put her in a position to have the most say.

I'm preparing for the worst...but, my instincts say that Smokey will simply avoid the conflict like he always does. IDK. I can handle it. D12 can handle it. She is a tough cookie.

Really hard going through his stuff. He just left his life behind. Just threw up his arms and left. It's been painful, but cathartic to go through stuff. The reality sorta washes over each time a new memory comes up.

Last night, I had to step away while the girls continued to pack. I had had enough memories. Retreated to my room and played a word game. Zoned out.

I have to look over the current dissolution proposal, email the atty my requested changes. Meet with him again on Monday morning. Million things to do...Somehow it will all get done.

[job]

I'm glad to see that you are making some money off the yard sale. Every penny helps. The place you are looking at this weekend sounds lovely and hopefully you and the girls will be able to maintain it w/o much problem, if you decide to take it. If the house has been vacant for a couple of years, the owners may be willing to reduce your rent if you do some of the repairs, as needed.

I do understand how you felt going through his things. Yes, they up and walk away from everything including their old lives. It's really a sad situation. Has he indicated when he will come out and get his stuff?

Travel safely and have a list of questions handy concerning the property you are going to see. It never hurts to ask questions and put forth suggestions, especially when it comes to money.

[LoisB]

We have a pile of "Dad's stuff."

Throughout his ordeal, I have told him to make me a list of things he wants and he never did.

As I go through things, I've noticed he cleaned things out more than I anticipated. Some tools are missing...smaller things that went unnoticed...jack for the cars...yadda, yadda...

We have this barn that has no door. Early on, he promised that he and his dad would come out and put a door on the barn. They never did. In the meantime, we have had several break ins up and down the street. I made Smokey aware of this and even asked for one of his guns at one point...he refused. One week ago, someone tried to use a crowbar to get into the house 2 doors down.

I guess what I'm trying to say...I'm not feeling as if I have to be extra careful with the stuff.

Smokey took thousands of dollars worth of guns, baseball cards and his "fun" Jeep which he sold and didn't give me a dime. I'm being cautious with the meaningful/sentimental things...but, he's had four months to respond to the dissolution proposal and ask for things. At this point, show me the money.

[job]

Yep, they do tend to take things and we usually don' notice that they are missing until we pack, clean up or actually need the items.

At least you are being cautious with the things that you think are meaningful/sentimental. He certainly can't say he wasn't asked about things.

As for the dissolution proposal, I'm not the least bit surprised he's not responded or shown any interest in providing info. They tend to do that and it's frustrating as heck.

All you can do is continue moving forward.

[LoisB]

Thanks Job.

I didn't think I still had this much sadness left. Maybe I was still keeping a thread of hope he would return. I think I could use a good cry.

What's different now, though, I KNOW, without a doubt, I will be ok.