No, there is really no way to speed up the process and have a successful ending.
If your mlcing spouse is jarred or snatched out of his crisis, he will eventually go back into crisis and it will be far worse than the first time around. The best thing to do is leave him alone and give him plenty of time and space to figure things out. I know it's tough, but you've got to do it. It's a time for you to do the things that you haven't done in a while, a time to work on those things that you don't like about yourself and yes, live your life to the fullest. There is no guarantee that you and your spouse will reconcile. It's 50/50 change of going either way. The reason I say this is: 1) he may decide that it's too much work to reconcile; 2)too much damage was created during the crisis; 3) you may have moved on and discovered that you do not want him back. Bottom line, at the end of the day, the lbs is the one that will ultimately decide whether they want them back or not.
Dig deep for patience, stay positive and have faith in the man upstairs. Take care of yourself and keep the focus on you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
There's no clear consensus on what causes or triggers a MLC, nor on what those who go through MLC have in common (there's not even a consensus on whether MLCs are a thing or not), but, at least from my limited reading, the hypothesis with the most support is that the person going through MLC is running away from some unresolved issue.
If you're not at the heart of the issue -- i.e. you didn't cause the issue, or the issue doesn't have to do with some aspect of who you are, how you behave, or how you treat others (your spouse, in particular) -- then then you can't solve the issue. This means any attempt you may make to solve the issue is either A) going to actively prevent your spouse from from dealing with the issue, so that it lingers, or B) going to enable your spouse to avoid dealing with the issue. So that it lingers.
If they're running away from the issue, forcing them to confront it on your terms will do little more than make your spouse highly resentful toward you, and break whatever amount of trust they currently have in you. Coddling your spouse and supporting them and their decisions while they're running away from the issue both leaves you playing the part of the doormat, and validates/reinforces their desire to flee. It also, potentially, sends the message that you don't think they can deal with the issue they're trying to avoid, and make them, eventually, feel like a charity case.
So, yeah... You don't want to try and help. Not if you haven't been asked to help, that's for sure, and even then, only if you've been asked to help in some very specific, spelled out way. Anything else is just likely to hurt the situation.
Me: 31 W: 31 T: 10 years CL: 7 years IDLY: 01/13 Sep: 07/13 I Moved out: 10/13 W Currently seeing OM Pets, but No Children
Hi Raine, My husband iis going through a MLC Its been around 18 months since the bomb drop. He has shown standard behaviour patterns of a person in an MLC as per the article. I believe he is in an advanced stage of his MLC. I would like to get in touch with you to clear some of my doubts. I would be highly obliged if you could help me get some clarity
Welcome to the boards. Raine has not posted here since 2017.
I see you are seeking some clarification regarding MLC. If you could start a thread (Thread Options/New Thread), you could share your situation and we could help provide guidance and suggestions.
The aforementioned article/posting from HB (reposted by Raine) was one of HB’s original versions. In later postings HB removed the timeline estimates as she found time in the stages varied as much as people vary. And in general, she underestimated the top end of her timelines.
As for many folks, I found this place through search results that brought up that very post detailing the stages of MLC.
Please do start a thread of your own and share your story. We are here, and you are welcomed.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
The stages are just a guideline. No two MLC's are the same. Each individual is unique, therefore, their MLC will be unique only to them. If you go to the resources thread, there are a number of threads that will assist you. Timelines...toss them out. It will take as long as it takes for your spouse to work through his/her issues. Some wake up and are either the same person or they could have retained some of the "crisis quirks" and some do not wake up. Some wake up in a couple of years, 7 years and some don't wake up at all. My xh finally woke up after 22 years and apologized for destroying the marriage and walking out on me.
Try to remember....the stages are a guideline, nothing more.
BTW, according to the rules/policies of this Board, we are not to share our personal information with each other, that includes, addresses, phone number and email addresses.
One last thing, please do not "over share" your personal information. We have people from all over the world that read the threads even though some of them may not be "members" of the Board.
As DNJ suggested, please start a thread and we will provide as much advice that we can.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Please try to remember this...they suffer from depression throughout the crisis. They think that they missed something along the way of growing up. We all go through life's transitions from the teens, 20's 30's, etc. The secret is that many of can navigate those life transitions. Those that don't generally are set up for a crisis, whether it is a mild one or not.
I did a lot of research when I came here looking for answers back in late 1999. What I discovered not only from this Board, but from all of the reading that I did was that the crisis is all about unresolved childhood issues. The MLCer will look at us and consider us authority figures and they lash out at us, because in their minds, we are parents, not spouses and/or partners. The unresolved issues could be child abuse, sexual abuse by someone, not getting recognition and validation for whatever they have done correctly, could be sibling rivalry.
At midlife, they question where they are in life. Think back, what transpired before he began his crisis. Did he have a health issue? A new job or not promoted? A child was born? Someone that was close to him passed away? These situations can help him go down into the rabbit hole.
Please remember...it is not you or your marriage, it is his journey to find himself. Please do not try to reason with him because right now he is going to see you as trying to control him and they sure do not like to have someone tell them that they are depressed or in crisis. You didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him.
I know you are frustrated, scared and looking for a quick fix, but he will take as long as it takes to work through his crisis. Do not try to stop his crisis because if you do wake him up a bit, he will go back into crisis again at a later time and it will be far worse. The best thing you can do is listen, do not offer advice, just listen. Validate his feelings and when he's upset and rattles on about something, just say "I'm sorry you feel that way". Learn to walk away when it gets to be too much.
While he is out there, this is a time for you to rediscover you. Make a list of the things that you have wanted to do and just haven't had a chance. Take a class or pick up a new hobby, redecorate or do some gardening. This is now your time. One last thing...watch your joint bank accounts and credit cards. In fact, I would suggest that you set up a separate bank account because if he hasn't already started...he will spend money on anything that strikes his fancy.
You are not alone in this process. Many of us have walked this path and we will be happy to share the knowledge that we have gained in the process.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
