The Waiting One (and tired of it)

[Atsbaby]

Thank you Shining! We seem to cycle similarly, I know you were pretty bummed last week and seem to be better now. I will be better, and I really try not to give OW my energy. Now that she has a face, which is my fault for finding out, I struggle because it makes it more real. I'm just fearful that Clark won't come out of this. I know I don't need him, but I just feel we are to be together (I don't know, it's hard to explain, but I feel like God is still behind me 100%). Anyways, moving on....

I'm doing so much better than I was this morning, thank God!

I got my sh!t together and got my hair trimmed. It really didn't help emotionally, but I knew I looked better

I had plans to learn to tango and east coast swing dance this afternoon. I had a lot of fun. Not many people showed up, but it was still nice to get out. The instructor was very encouraging which built up myself esteem. She asked if I had ever danced before since I was doing so well. I told her when I was little I had done tap and ballet and then danced on the high school team...jazz/hip hop.

I totally get the old man creepy looks that someone on here was talking about...lol. He wasn't creepy per se, but his staring was! We had to rotate partners multiple times and I just felt uncomfortable with this guy. Of course, it could also be because I haven't been with anyone except my H in such close quarters! Well that is probably true with the other old guy that was there. They were nice gentlemen though.

So I've decided I have a new goal in life...I want to compete in dance competitions! I forgot how much I love dancing. Partner dancing is different, but I still love the moving and the way it makes me feel...sexy

Goals: PMA...check for now!
Be assertive...still working on.
Find time for dancing...he!! yeah!

[daring]

I just love that you are taking dance classes, I've always loved dancing and considered doing a class as part of my GAL. ( even considered a pole dancing exercise class!! if H and I don't work out then it will just benefit the next relationship!) Sounds like you had lots of fun!

" Your dad screws you up, yet you can tell him you love him. I'm supporting and loving and you walk out on me...I really hate this MLC cr@p!"

^^^^ from an earlier post you had- I totally understand this.
I know I was far from the perfect wife and made a lot of mistakes, but I did a lot right too. And H continues to put in his time and emotions to others who often use him or hurt him, and I'm in the wings being supportive and kind with nothing in return from him.
Just have to remind ourselves this is not about us. They aren't leaving because we aren't worth it, it's because deep down they feel worthless. They have to process this in their own time. Sending hugs and support your way!

[Atsbaby]

Thank you Daring. I looked into the pole dancing classes, but there aren't any locally I know and hear that this is not about me, but my heart just struggles to accept it!

"...deep down they feel worthless"

Clark and I were talking tonight about...him, surprise!
Anyways, as I was listening, I'm picking up on the insecurities he still has. He doesn't think he's smart he actually said, "if I got tested on an IQ scale, I would be pretty dumb." I told him I was sorry that he felt this way. He then "clarified" his statement meaning that he is smart about sports and computer drafting, but nothing else. I was so shocked. He is very intelligent. I just let him go on...I can't say anything to change his mind. BUT I did agree, to myself, that he is stupid when it comes to our R and his behavior/actions. He doesn't understand himself and won't read up on personal issues.

Clark is riding high on the roller coaster, possibly going into upside down turns, he's already talking about leaving his job (after 8 months), and thinks he is getting the wrong degree! He said at least yours is leading you into a profession, but mine I just picked it cause it sounded interesting. This is one of those snap decisions he made and now look where it got you. He's only 2 classes into a 3 year degree. Not my problem. Love my schooling, as much as one can, and will graduate next summer...go me!

I think Clark senses that I'm pulling away. He is trying hard to mend small fences, like my frustrations with him this morning. He apologized for my outburst! I also noticed the past 2 days he is finding ways to gently touch me. He tapped my arm yesterday, decided he needed to measure a shirt against my back, leaned over to look at something and leaned enough to touch my leg. No expectations! Just noticing his behavior.

And this is why I struggle to detach...ugh!

[Shining]

Ats, I LOVE that you're getting out dancing! I looked into it, too. Haven't done anything, since I need to get a job before spending any money....but I have a little background of dance, too. I miss it very much. It used to feed my soul .

Your H sounds like he's really bouncing all over. Hang on tight, Ats!!

Did you read about pursuit and distance dancing??? I'm teaching master level classes in pursuit over on my thread, lol.

[Atsbaby]

I really don't care for the pursuit and distance dance, lol! I wish that was one dance I did not know!!

So I really need to vent:

We are in week 4 of school and once again, the kids have almost missed the bus. I don't know how to get them moving. This year the bus comes 30 minutes earlier than last year and they seem to be struggling. I even tried waking them an extra 30 minutes earlier today...aaaarrrggg!

So Clark needs to get his cheating @$$ back home to help. Stop playing kissy face and grow some b@lls, man up so we can do this d@mn parenting thing the way we are supposed to!!!!!

Not feeling better yet, but it's a start to my happy place

[Atsbaby]

Ok so I've been doing my reading on "Excuse Me, Your Life is Waiting" and I feel my attitude has changed...for the better.

So I vented Monday morning and got it out. I was able to listen to some awesome music on my way to work and had a great day there. I took s to football practice, and continued to read my book. Got to the good stuff on how to get positive and try to remain positive.

Clark has seemed receptive the past 2 days, but then last night...

He was flirting and, hey, so was I! And well, it took me a long time to decide if I should, and I did. I don't regret it. I look at the positives...
1. Clark came to me
2. Clark finds me attractive again
3. OW doesn't stand a chance against me!

And, he did this last time too, but gave me a hug when he left. Then texted me to have a good night!

Of course, I had no expectations and Clark came through...no contact today I know, why does this make me smile? I've figured out this pattern! Now I need to man up and set a boundary. This is going to be the toughest thing I've ever done. I'm closer since I took time last night thinking if I was doing the right thing.

It's just so hard when the Bible tells you that you need to be there for your H and his needs (and my needs too for that matter), but in reality it can hurt like h3ll with all the rejection and guilt afterwards. I think I'm actually detaching well from parts of this. I'm not feeling used, but I'm also making this choice, where last time I really didn't have the option.

I'm keeping my PMA going, even though I should be curled in a ball crying due to his rejection. I'm going to survive this and I'm going to be the lighthouse waiting for his return. This lighthouse just needs to set more boundaries!

[Atsbaby]

Still working on remaining positive. Clark has been pretty silent again today. Get to football practice, and I was looking hot in my new work outfit, Clark comes up and makes a comment about me changing. I just say I didn't have time. He complains that he isn't feeling well and is going to sit in his car. Says he left work early and slept...don't believe him. I think he probably went to his L. I haven't heard a word from mine. Just emailed them to find out when I was going to receive a copy of my response.

It's a gloomy day, rained almost all day and the temps dropped. My d is in my car doing hw, so we go home to change. I see Clark writing in a notebook, who knows what that's about. School is on a break this week. I'm not fretting over it...only control me and my reaction to the situation.

Then we return, run and I sit outside watching s and reading my book. Clark comes running up and says FIL was taken to ER and he'll keep me updated. Great! What is God doing? He obviously has a plan, but come on...I need some guidance with what I'm to do!!

[Atsbaby]

So FIL has pneumonia and an air pocket in his intestine (which was were he had surgery last week). We'll see what his doc says tomorrow.

Too funny though, Clark comes home and tells me about FIL after we put kids to bed. He's upset cause the only time his dad calls is when he needs something, and the man cannot take care of himself! So Clark and BIL want FIL back in a nursing home for good. Clark tells me he's going to talk with dad...good, air some dirty laundry Mr. MLC! He then says "I get that family is important"... Really??? Cause you just walked out on yours! I had to literally bite my tongue from laughing and saying something I would regret.

Then right before he left, he blames me for being sick! I haven't been blamed in a while...it must be MLC love

[Shining]

Oh, I'm sorry, Ats....the MLC moon is certainly out tonight...l moods are EVERYWHERE.

They are so nuts... Family is important...LMAO. My H has said similar things that he's doing in the wrong way.....but still judging those who do the same thing....

I hope your night picks up from here. If not, there's always tomorrow.

[Mighty]

Hey Ats! I'm just getting caught up... I love that you are dancing! That's awesome. I've wanted to do that for yrs. I even talked to xh yrs ago about taking classes, but at the time we couldn't do it. I brought it up to s the other day that I would like to do that. So glad you are! And daring... I would take a pole dancing class with you any day. I think it would be so fun! A group of girls from work did it a couple yrs ago, but I couldn't make it. And no, I don't work at da club.

So Ats, it sounds like you are keeping yourself busy and positive. Good girl! Shake off the crazy... don't let it get to ya. Sorry you are struggling with kids in the morning. I do NOT have early risers- but neither am I. In fact, I am car pooling now... I don't know how much longer she is going to want to. She is ALWAYS ready before me. Yikes!

Anyway, I was thinking of you earlier and wondering how you were doing. Seems like you are doing well, considering the circumstances.

BTW... that was me who mentioned the creepy old guys. Eeewwwww...

I am glad they were gentleman!