I am in a better place than I was before, undoubtedly. Getting back together solves nothing but what are essentially surface issues. Definitely true.
Also... This experience is teaching me that I am not invisible and that I have always mattered more than I realized, even to people who are far away. (Facebook helps! )
So I guess I want validation that I matter in the form of mattering to my husband.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
It ended up being BLTs at home rather than bowling out. So it was a dud.
I had the TV on as I was straightening up the house, just so I could have sound in the house, and once everybody got in and got settled and my H brought in the couple of groceries he had, he just sat down in his same old chair and watched what was on. I sat in the chair next to him and we had very stilted conversation for a little over an hour. It was not enjoyable at all. Marginally better than before he left.
Kids (especially D11) pushed my buttons the entire time H & I made lunch together and during lunch. It was SO FRUSTRATING. I'm not inviting him to spend an afternoon with me with the kids again for a very, very long time, if ever.
I think we both wanted the afternoon to be better. He steered them away from the bowling, so I don't know what he was expecting but I couldn't meet it. I tried to talk to him about movies I've seen, the cool wine place I went to on Friday, the books I've been reading... it's so, so hard to get him going on a conversational volley. Nothing caught. He sat there in that ^#@*&(%*& chair and I HATE IT.
He was more understanding about the kids pushing my buttons. But it was REALLY HARD to 180 this pattern. I don't know how to do it.
When we were almost through with lunch I thought, well, never mind, I guess we don't need to be married anymore. I can't get his attention. I can't get him to engage. I don't know what he wants but it seems to not be me.
And then I cried when he left. (Still crying)
I wish someone could explain to me how I can love someone and feel so frustrated by his presence at the same time.
I hate how things are. I want them to be better. I miss who I thought he was. This is DEPRESSING.
Ss, I don't know if he ever smelled my perfume. It's hard to smell sexy when you're frying bacon.
Last edited by Maybell; 09/01/1407:53 PM.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Oh, yeah, and he asked how far into the future our kid schedule goes. Which wasn't exactly disappointing but was not really the sort of comment that would bring us closer together either. Not that he seems to really think like that anyway.
How did I get here??????????
And before anybody says EXPECTATIONS, I'll just say... I am not aware that I had any expectations because I EXPECTED us to go bowling. Once he came to the house instead I was really just trying to behave like he was a friend but he couldn't do it. And I'm saying that sincerely. I was treating him almost as I treat my SAH dad friend and with my SAHD friend I get stuff back, recommendations for YouTube videos, jokes, stories about the kids, whatever. With my H... crickets.
What am I hanging on for? Have I been telling myself fairy tales for years?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
LOL, Maybell, for most men, bacon is a much sexier smell than any perfume so the effort may have been moot BUT I guarantee he smelled it. Guarantee.
On a more serious note, I am so sorry it was a dud. How did it go from a prospective bowling adventure to you frying up bacon and making BLTs while he sat in his chair and zoned out? Hello old habits that clearly aren't working. What was he THINKING?
So, what did you learn about yourself with this experience?
What are you going to do differently?
I personally think you were stomped all over. Everyone just came home and you made lunch. That wasn't the plan. WTH? Even though everyone settled I would have flipped off the TV (yes, with H staring at it from his chair) and said, Ok, time to go! How could you have been more assertive about expressing your desires in this situation?
You should NOT have to work so hard to engage another human being let alone your H. What is that about? Is he purposely trying to be difficult?
Don't let this keep you from making invitations again but give yourself some time to heal from this one. Perhaps your H needs an environment where he can't be distracted by TV and the kids and the incredible smell of bacon. BLTs at your house seems like a lot of work for you and that wasn't considered.
Why did H not take that &*^*%&% chair with him when he moved out? I'd have trouble looking at it every day.
(((hugs))) to you maybell. One day at a time. Do something for YOU right now. Seriously. If that means cry into a warm bath tub, go for it.
And yes I agree that bacon smells sexier than any perfume.
I had similar experiences with my WAH the last times I saw him. I felt I was trying to get an interesting conversation going, telling him about books I had read or fascinating people I had met and he was just blah. And I thought why am I trying so hard with someone who is so dull. There was a big chunk of time I just sat there in silence, waiting for him to say something interesting. So I asked him about his work and he told me one sentence about a technical project he was working on, and I said "wow that sounds interesting and difficult!" and he said "no, it isn't."
OK.... forget it.
Sometimes we just have those days where we wonder why we care.
The advice and feedback Ss gave above is spot on! Next time do what YOU want. And maybe if everyone is being boring and bratty just leave them alone together and walk out.
D11 went straight to the bath as soon as he left. This is hard for her too. She was trying to be goofy but was also clearly stressed and it was difficult. The first thing she said when she got home was how good I smelled.
We actually cooked the lunch together. That part was not horrible.
He didn't totally zone out. But we weren't on the same page at all. I guess I did hope for more.
His dad used to come home from work, walk through the house and turn on all the TVs really loudly without regard to channel (there is one in every room and the channels rarely matched), and go outside to mow the lawn. Every day. It's REALLY loud at my in-laws' house. All they ever do is watch TV. So I think there's something a little screwy with my H's brain (besides the ADD).
It will be many, many a day before I issue another invitation. He's going to have to step up a little bit better before that happens. And you can bet it won't include the kids again. And it doesn't even matter since he's leaving for another 10-day trip. It was supposed to only be five but they tacked on another five over the weekend. Which also ruins my plans for next Sunday.
He apologized for messing up my plans for Sunday, said he doesn't mind me getting a babysitter, and that he was willing to babysit anytime I needed him.
He's NOT A BABYSITTER. He's their DAD.
H bought all new furniture when he got his apartment. He only took his home office furniture and the guest room furniture when he left. But I think I'm going to change the living room a little more.
I'm so sick of his travel. I'm so sick of all of this. I hate it. I really, really hate it. It seems everyone in the world thinks I'm fun to hang out with except my own husband.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
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