Nitty in a Nutshell (Help! I'm in a nutshell!)

[Atsbaby]

((((Nitty))))

It's so hard to detach, especially with these stupid blips! I think you made a good choice going and watching the movie and not doing anything else. I'm sure mr. Gritty is just like Clark and will be MIA for a few days, or will say something to up the anger in you.

BTW...my house is suffering just like yours. We try to find things that make us happy and we wind up forgetting about us!

[HopeTex]

Great thoughts Nitty. Keep striving.

[Nitty]

I believed Mr. Gritty would not contact me after our little blip of decent last week and I was right. I haven't heard a peep out of him. No texts, nothing.

This is how he has been behaving since December: he dances close, he grabs me, then he pushes hard and runs away. (Lately running away part is peppered with text bombs.)

But this was the first "dancing" episode since he initiated D proceedings. When I drove over to his place it was with no real expectations. I left the same way, only wondering if I'd done the right thing or not.

He ran into one of our sons and announced that "your mom and I met and had a really good talk." So crazy because we barely talked at all, except to say hello, decide on a movie, and then goodbye and thank you.

In my DB coaching session today my coach said she thought I did fantastic with Mr. Gritty, and that she certainly was not expecting to hear anything like this after last week. (Remember that I wept through my last session with her.)

Our goal right now is for me to stop my knee-jerk reactions when H accuses me of stuff. A typical accusation when he's in Mad Mode: "Why don't you just admit you are lying, that you really wanted to hurt me?" when of course, I am not lying, nor do I want to hurt him.

Or: "You told me you said X, Y & Z to Joan and Jerie! And now you're changing your story again!" When 1) I never said X, Y, or Z to anybody and 2) I am not changing my story, for crying out loud.

Or: "Hide behind your 'truth' but I know what I feel." The implication being that he can feel that what I'm saying is untrue? That he can MIND READ? (His super power is feeling out the truth, I guess.)

Or: "You just want to control me. You just want me to tell me who I can hang out with. I will not be controlled or bullied." When I only ever said 1) I would not be part of an open marriage, and 2) HELLO, "bullied"??? He is like a foghorn in mediation, I'm all atremble and tears, and he's feeling bullied. LOL.

Typically I go into defensive mode when he attacks, so we rehearsed some strategies on loving disengagement. I am to keep sending the message that I want to communicate but in a different way. A better way.

I asked her about kind of "giving up" on fighting the D. I had rewritten Lt. Speir's speech and I've been reciting it all day. Here it is:

We’re all scared. You hid in that ditch YOU ARE LOSING YOUR COOL because you think there’s still hope YOU ARE STILL NOT DETACHED. But Blithe, the only hope you have is to accept the fact that you are already dead DIVORCED. And the sooner you accept that the sooner you’ll be able to function as a soldier LBS is supposed to function. Without mercy FALSE HOPE. Without compassion DESPAIR. Without remorse ANY EXPECTATIONS. All war ALL DB-ING depends on it. --Lt. Ronald Speirs

It puts me in a different place, like I'm on the other side of the D already, at least, emotionally. At least, today it did. So I told my coach, I still do not want to D, but I'm going to accept it as inevitable. She said she was relieved to hear me say that, not that there wasn't any hope, but if I could let go of the expectation that it might be fixed, I might be able to detach more easily.

So tomorrow is my next mediation appt. I'm not expecting anything. Mr. Gritty is supposed to bring paperwork in, and as I was always the one to do paperwork, he may not have any of it done. Then again, he might have everything filled out perfectly. No expectations.

[Ggrass]

Thing are moving, but mr gritty an my h really have been swapping notes half way round the world.

He collapsed at on point into the chair sighing, I've walked away I flushed the money I want to let it all go! Really this is not what you said every other time, you want money.

I don't fight, you just want to fight bully and etc! Right the meditor looked at h??
He thinks the laws are wrong, it's just me making things up.

Trying to talk to him is like nailing jelly! He flips and flops like a wet fish, but yet he expects me to list thought and bottom lines in 3 words or less clear precise and final!

Mm yeah!

[HopeTex]

This passage is quoted in the book Wild at Heart and has haunted me ever since I first read it.

G. K. Chesterton on courage:

Courage is almost a contradiction in terms. It means a strong desire to live taking the form of a readiness to die. “He that will lose his life, the same shall save it,” is not a piece of mysticism for saints and heroes. It is a piece of everyday advice for sailors or mountaineers. It might be printed in an Alpine guide or a drill book. The paradox is the whole principle of courage; even of quite earthly or quite brutal courage.

A man cut off by the sea may save his life if he will risk it on the precipice. He can only get away from death by continually stepping within an inch of it.

A soldier surrounded by enemies, if he is to cut his way out, needs to combine a strong desire for living with a strange carelessness about dying. He must not merely cling to life, for then he will be a coward, and will not escape. He must not merely wait for death, for then he will be a suicide, and will not escape.

He must seek his life in a spirit of furious indifference to it; he must desire life like water and yet drink death like wine.

[Shakspr]

So...checking in to see how Nitty's doin... and Wow! She turned that corner hard. So happy to see you are coming to grips with your situation in a way that allows you to have hope while rolling with the punches. I agree with your DB coach - such an unexpected turn of events in a short amount of time. And while Mr. Gritty did go silent after movie night, he didn't carpet bomb you with crummy texts - he spoke well of you to your son!(again, who cares what he told him. It wasn't an attack or belittling you. Heck, the conversation he was having with himself in his mind while you watched Ghostbusters or whatever may have been very pleasant.)

You mentioned something rather poignant "like I'm on the other side of the D already, at least, emotionally. At least, today it did." String enough of those days together and that lens you're looking through will get clearer and clearer. Excellent approach. No expectations is my toughest mantra right now. Good to see that you are on track.

Hopetex...I guess I'll need to reread Wild at Heart. It's been a couple of years. Thanks for the reminder! Here's one from one of my favorite authors (though I disagree with much of his worldview):

Heinlein in Glory Road: "Then I did the only really brave thing I have ever done in my life: I inched forward. Bravery is going on anyhow when you are so terrified your sphincters won't hold and you can't breathe and your heart threatens to stop"

[Nitty]

So happy to see you are coming to grips with your situation in a way that allows you to have hope while rolling with the punches. .....
...String enough of those days together and that lens you're looking through will get clearer and clearer. Excellent approach. No expectations is my toughest mantra right now. Good to see that you are on track.

OK, so I'm all turned around again. So much for being on track.

I spent hours before our mediation appt visualizing me sitting there in that office, icy cool. "Yes, Mr. Gritty, I was very disappointed that you've decided to D me, but you are an adult and I must respect your decision." As I drove to the office, I repeated that line over and over. I showed up at mediation, not nervous like the last time, but calm, cool, and collected. Way better emotional state than last time.

Mr. Gritty showed up right after. Our mediator asked if anything had changed during the week. I described our meeting because H didn't seem to want to. The mediator said he was impressed because we could interact as friends. The mediator then asked him if he was still gung ho for D and he said he wasn't 100% sure.

And just like that, I was back into "IT CAN BE SAVED" mode. No Expectations just up and made a beeline for the door. I tried to grab her skirt but she was too fast for me.

Here is the good part: this mediator is a business/family conflict negotiator in addition to being a D mediator. He worked out a plan where he is going to help us communicate better during D so we don't rip out each others' throats. Help us 'explore' whether D is really the solution ... while at the same time continuing in D mediation.

It's like, some kind of an oxymoron, a two-for-one deal: MC and D proceedings at the same time.

And me, I was filled with hope again. We're back in MC for the first time in 7 months! OK, so it's still D, but with a form of MC tacked onto D -- not really MC but kind of like MC -- and hooray! (Detachment ran out of the room right after No Expectations.)

So half of our session yesterday was communication work, then the other half was mediation, what papers remain to be collected, etc.

Mr. Gritty used the communication part to air his grievances. He had plenty to complain about me. I disagree with much of it but have owned the rest. My list of complaints about him is short, mainly that he didn't give us a chance to repair our problems. That I don't have an equal say in decisions. And, oh, yeah, INFIDELITY.

Mr. Gritty insisted he'd not been with another woman since the first days of our separation. That I was imagining all sorts of wild things and probably telling the neighbors lies about him. I asked him if he remembered telling me he'd file for D because I refused to live in an open marriage. He said he did, but that he didn't actually go on any dates so what is the problem?

I asked him to consider how I lived in the weeks since then, believing he was dating, even hearing that he was seen in a club with a woman who works out in his gym, and what am I supposed to believe? He just did not get it.

He complained that I never "reached out" to him. Hello, I said, you initiated D. You said you felt trapped, caged, that I was "controlling" you. I am trying to respect your wishes and protect myself. He became agitated, claimed he'd been reaching out to me but I kept overanalyzing things just like this and this illustrated perfectly how I "kept making everything so difficult."

The mediator asked him to be the one to reach out once a week, to actually meet in person. The goal: to try to rebuild a working friendship. (Rules: do not talk D, $ or R.)

I was so glad because 1) Rebuilding friendship was a DB Coach goal, 2) Mr. Gritty did not protest, and 3) No more "text-only" communication! He'll still text, but at least he'll see me in person (outside of a mediation office).

But then we did the mediation portion and it was bad again. H became all business. All $ and no sense. Nitty only cares about the $. Nitty wants to bleed him dry. He wants to speed up the process. "I hate to be in limbo! It's been too long without a decision!" I said I didn't think it wise to make a decision just to get making a decision out of the way. He agreed but did not say, "Well, let's just drop the D."

And yet, guess what: mediation is again delayed because he is not doing what he needs to do in order to D. Is this a man who really wants to D? I mean, he paid the mediator three grand to do our D, he keeps saying he wants to speed things up, but his actions say otherwise.

Don't believe what he says and only half of what he does. Don't believe what he says and only half of what he does. Don't believe what he says and only half of what he does. Don't...

A lot more happened during the mediation session that was bad. I left the office all wrung out. Couldn't concentrate when I got back to work. I avoided everybody because I knew any sympathetic faces would make me bawl. If I had Detachment at my back, I would be okay. But no, she took off, disgusted with me.

After work I went home and was putting stuff away when I got a phone call from Mr. Gritty. He asked me to dinner. I drove to his place (again) because he said "I can never show my face in the neighborhood." He keeps saying this, that everyone is judging him and he refuses to be judged.

We ate dinner, and without R, D or $ to talk about, we ended up watching another movie. I got up at the end and said it was time to go. He asked me to stay longer but it was 9. I told him I had a lot to think about. He gave me a hug goodbye and I left.

So now I'm sitting at the computer, thinking, he's done this before, this is just part of the dance, and he'll withdraw again. But in the meantime I am telling myself over and over DETACH DETACH DETACH and I am failing to do so. I am back to Square One.

HopeTex, I never liked Heinlein's world view, either. Hated the way he portrayed women. But he is a great storyteller and I enjoyed his work anyway.

....

I was getting ready to post this when I got a phone call from Mr. Gritty. (Two phone calls in 24 hours!) He wanted to know what I meant when I said I had to think things through. He says he is confused, because we are in reconciliation and I keep "throwing out hints" that I want to D even though I say I don't.

He actually used the word "reconciliation". As in, "being in a state of reconciliation." The last time he described us being in reconciliation, it only took a couple of weeks before he announced that he hated the word "reconciliation" and that I was not to use that word again because it made him feel trapped. But now he is using that word. We're on the "UP" part of the roller coaster ride.

[wmwb123]

Nitty, what do you mean by "H agrees to a form of MC?" I would like for my WW to go to a marriage saving seminar as a last resort. How did you get your WH to agree to MC? Was it regular MC or a last-resort seminar? I've heard horror stories about MC, so I'm not too optimistic about that route, especially since my WW has already told me she doesn't want to go to MC.

[CaliGuy]

Nitty

Well ... it looks like you have some positives to hang your hat on, and at least you are quick to realize the detach and no expectations left your side for a moment .. that's natural as you were just given some hope, continue to detach, he is pursuing you now, the fact he doesn't want to show his face shows he is actually feeling some guilt and shame for his actions ... be careful not to punish him, remember .. be the lighthouse, the rock, allow him to come to you without scaring the squirrel off.

I think you have handled this very well .. and that mediation session went about as good as you could have hoped for if not better, you have a mediator who might be aware D is not the answer for you both and may be able to give you .. more importantly him the tools to start rebuilding, its like a sneak attack MC where Gritty may feel a little more at ease and not threatened nor feel forced. This is all a good thing .... congrats.

[Shakspr]

I agree on all points with CaliGuy. You are doing a wonderful job - Square One is in your rear view mirror. (Remember the day of Bomb Drop? You are not that person anymore.)

I look at D proceedings and DB'g on two parallel paths (and I know that you can too!) As long as W is talking D, I'm all business. GAL'g, taking care of my kids, creating warm positive moments at dinnertime...that's DB'g. I am going to be the best version of me there is at those times, just like you are when watching a movie with Gritty.

"He says he is confused, because we are in reconciliation and I keep "throwing out hints" that I want to D even though I say I don't."

It might not hurt to let him know, during your mediation/MC stealth missions, that when it comes to reconciling, you are a 100% ready for that with new goals and new standards if he ever wants to be married to you again. But when mediating, you won't be a pushover - just because he thought you were, doesn't make it true.

Don't blame HopeTex for the Heinlein - that was me!