Maybell the VIIIth

[Train]

Maybell,

Forgive me for being wayyyy behind the 8-ball here, but do you have any intel that would show whether H is 100% done with OW?

Catch me up to speed just a little, will ya?

Big hugs.

[Maybell]

Train, my source of Intel is OW's baby daddy, who apparently had snooping equipment installed on her devices. I've never had independent sources. But she lives in a foreign country which my H has not visited since May. I know in May that he pursued her and she rejected him.

The baby daddy also asked me about other times she & my H might have gotten together which I knew for sure hadn't happened. From that and other things I surmised she was seeing someone else and had thrown my H under the bus to the baby daddy to cover the new guy from the baby daddy. (Is that confusing enough?)

In July H asked me to lunch and we really struggled to have a conversation. In the middle of it he blurted out that he wasn't seeing her anymore but that he still wanted his space. From the look on his face I felt he was actually telling the truth. When I asked who ended it he said it was mutual, which I read as she dumped him, based on my previous guesses and conversation with the baby daddy.

So I'm 90% sure the affair is over. But possible (likely) H is still pining after her at least some. Considering we've never shared a computer, his cell phone bill goes direct to the office, and a lot of their interactions were on the office skype account because she works for his company, the only source of intel I'll ever have is the baby daddy, and I'm pretty sure I'll never hear from him again.

Nobody among my H's acquaintance knows about her so far as I am aware, which is fairly far.

I am conflicted about spending time with him. I feel a little bit like a show dog. On the other hand, I've broken my heart with missing him and it's probably worth seeing if there's any there there before I break my heart any further.

Thanks!

[labug]

...but then are you going to be OK with knowing you were the fall-back after he checked out everyone else? What would it take to know you are really his first choice and not the "no one else wanted me so guess I'll go back to Maybell?" I've been struggling with this concept lately and curious to know what you/others think.

Tough place to be and even without an OW, we could say that we're all in a fallback position. I could believe my H tried life on his own and it wasn't any better so he came back out of boredom, loneliness, wanting to live in this house, any number of things. For me, that's a victim perspective, "I'm not good enough."

I worked d@mn hard to become not the "better option" but rather the best version of me I could. Today I know who I am and I'm happy with the person I am. I'm strong, I'm vulnerable, I have a lot of interests, I do work that is heart work but also pays the bills, I volunteer, I have great friends. I don't "need" my H in my life. I want him here but only if he wants to be here. Wanting to be here includes working on things as they come up, accepting the dynamics of a real adult R. So far he has been, as have I.

Perspective is so important. Many of us have those 'I'm not good enough stories' and as long as we continue to believe them our Rs will suffer.

[labug]

Should I feel good that he said he hope my week got better in a text exchange about our daughter? Or is that neutral?

How do you feel about it?

Don't worry so much about where you are right now just keep in mind, this is a process. Today was good, tomorrow might not be so good.

No expectations.

[labug]

You cover a lot of territory in 24 hrs!

My primary goal at the moment is that he gets to IC and he starts getting the ADD addressed.

Does that mean it's a dealbreaker for you?

That's his to fix, (AlAnon might be helpful ); any attempt by you to influence him might be seen as other than helpful.

If he said he'd do and doesn't, there's more information.

[Maybell]

Yes, it's a deal breaker because he isn't able to be in a true relationship otherwise.

I don't yet have a time frame attached to it. There will be one at some point.

And I know that's his to fix. I just mean, I don't have reconciliation goals till that is dealt with.

[Maybell]

Reminder: today there's nothing I can do about my situation. Tomorrow I can smile and relax and be armed with neutral conversation. That's it.

[Maybell]

Mentally prepping for our family dinner tonight. First one in... More than a month?

I don't know how I feel about it. I'm all over the place. I know restoring our marriage isn't on the table at the moment but the prospect of spending time with him always puts my mind in that place. I've really enjoyed making choices for myself this summer and the idea of restoring our relationship makes me feel bound. It makes me cringe. I feel smaller again at the thought of being with him. It curdles my stomach.

Somewhere in there is a person I like and care about but one of us isn't worth the effort to him. I doubt I'll hear anything at all about his life, because I never do. Never have. But he'll ask me a hundred questions about me because that's what he does. Deflect from himself. We'll never do anything more interesting than go to a restaurant or a movie together because that's all that ever occurs to him. Life with him is so constricted. I hate it.

Ive had a mostly great summer, tears notwithstanding. I've had a really fun weekend this weekend. And I'm looking forward to a fun and interesting fall. I have figured out ways to make my life work for me and if I end up single I won't just be fine, I'll be awesome. I'm a hundred times better off than this time last year.

I know I'm standing because standing is the right thing to do.

But what if he wants to work things out?

What if he tries to move towards me again? How do I limit that till he makes the changes I need? I can't live on eggshells anymore.

We used to do more than dinner, movies, and bowling. We used to go to concerts, sporting events (lots of them, football, hockey, baseball, basketball), comedy clubs, plays, all kinds of things. We used to play board games at home and had fun challenging one another intellectually, sharing books. Those things haven't happened in years. We used to have parties and go to parties.

I can't not be that person anymore. Life's too short to live so small.

I'm afraid to spend time with him. I don't want to live like that anymore.

Does this make me a WAW?

[T384]

Maybell I don't have much insight but I just wanted to reach out. Take it one day at a time and enjoy dinner with no expectations as I'm sure you know

As far as what you guys used to do years ago and what you don't do now. My H turned the same way and it took BD for me to realize we both really were unhappy and stagnant not doing things we used to just going through the motions. Your H can get back there if he wants. He can be that man again IF he wants to. Those are all things that can come wth time, counseling, etc. try not to worry about that until the time comes. I know it's easier said than done but where you are I was a month ago.

I used to think of all the things he hadn't wanted to do and how much fun the bkys and I had this summer without him. I remmeber thinking why would I want to go back to that when I know I'm having a better time now than I did last summer. But the H that has come back to me (thus far - and it's hard to say it's going to stick because it has been not long at all) is the man that wants to do fun things because he is happy and most importantly because it's what he wants and what I want.

Sorry for rambling I hope that all made sense

[claire7]

Makes a lot of sense, Maybell. We can only take responsibility for our part of the R. There is work they would need to do, too.

But I think you are getting ahead of yourself a bit. First step is for him (and you?) to decide whether there is enough hope to give it a go. And then. .. get lots of good, professional support. All the stuff you mentioned would come out in MC if you get to that point, wouldn't it? And.. maybe he has been missing that stuff too?

It's only recently that I've realized there are so many resources to help people build and maintain strong marriages. Too bad I didn't know earlier, but the good news is that they exist for the next time.

Gotta run. Thinking of you.