Carry On, My Wayward Son(of-a-beeeeaaaaach)!!

[Shining]

Ok, trying not to get too excited, but SD19 texted me just about 45 minutes ago....


!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! H BROKE UP WITH OW LAST NIGHT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SD19 said, "He said he broke up with her last night cause he can't see himself being with her in 10 years. And she's going to (overseas trip to see her parents for a month) on Friday."

(Is it unusual for an MLCer to be thinking/speaking in terms of "ten years" in Replay?)

I know things can and do change, but I'm doing my inner happy dance while I can!!!


Sooooo...... This is what I was originally going to lead with tonight before I knew what was up:

Today my PMA was great. I got a lot of tasks checked off my list!

Planned to be dark for a while.... Figured there would be nothing but business while H was busy with his "inner conflict". Sometimes, I'd like to kick him right in the inner conflict....

But, of course having the expectation of "no contact" worked out as well as having any OTHER expectations do.... H texts this morning as if we're back to "friends".

"Good morning. I really enjoyed seeing you last week. Do you have dinner plans tomorrow?"

Dinner plans? He just told me he's conflicted....then a day of rapid fire texts...sweet ones.


Luckily, I was in a meeting all morning and couldn't respond. So he sat on that....then after the meeting, I responded that I will be taking D13 to her physical tomorrow at 4:30 and I didn't know when we would be done. <<<< no being vague and dancing around it, Raine, I told him what we were doing:).

During MLC, H has not been flexible if anything impedes his plans or schedule, or if he feels it is a rejection....and has been quick to say "we'll just make it another time" and blow me off.

Today, H responded that he is completely flexible tomorrow, and all week.... Except tonight, he said he's taking his D19 and S20 out to dinner, since they rarely have the same night off work together. And tomorrow is S20 bday, but he works.

Then he asked me to call him. This is getting weirder. He never does that. Oh, must be the house stuff. Yep, Got an offer.......

Talked about house briefly, then asked again about my schedule for the week. He repeated he's "completely flexible". Why does he keep saying that.

???? COMPLETELY FLEXIBLE ?????

^^^^^^^ This he repeated about three times during the call^^^^^^^

He also told me what he was doing. (Taking his kids to dinner). Hasn't shared these type of details since before MLC, because it's "none of my business."

This is a change from not wanting to even commit to a specific time day because he might be "busy".

No clue what's up. Just noting the change.


NOW I KNOW!!! I have a clue!

Could be nothing. Could be for only a day.... But today, I'm experiencing "JOY OSMOSIS"

[Shining]

Oh! Just thought of other weird things from today....


One of the first sweet things he texted this morning was, out of nowhere......"Can I have a hug" (he has mentioned that first pizza place "hug-felt-round-the-world" several times)

I answered, "Of course you can. Always. (((((Hugs))))))"

During the rapid fire nice texting from H, he said something we had in common that was embarrassing and silly. I responded, "We are silly sometimes. I accept you. All of you. Plus you're sexy as he//. " (not very DB, but he started it.).

As soon as I realized I was pursuing again, I dialed back.....then I said, "sorry, I'll stop."

H "No!" Me, "No?" H "Don't stop".

Me, "I feel like I pushed you away after last week. I don't want to go too far and make you feel pressured. I do like being with you, but I know you're needing space."

H, "it's not you." Me, "what's not me?" H "you didn't push me away".

Then he changed topic and I went with it.....let it be. Now in hindsight, tho....

He said it wasn't me.

Cool.

[Matt165]

Sounds promising Shining!
Just be really careful. Protect your heart and as hard as it is to do, try to have zero expectations. Even though he "broke up" (I hate using that term when he's actually M to you!) with OW, he still may need time to totally get her and what she gave him out of his system. Remember, he still hasn't said he wants anything close to what you want, reconnection and more than just "fun". He is still he// bent on selling the house and staying living apart.

All that said, good for you and I'll be praying for a good outcome for you and your "Wayward Son"!!

[Shining]

Thanks, Matt. I'll do my DB'dest to protect my heart. I've read so many sitches where the WAS goes back to OW many times over before it's truly OVER. This is their second "break up" from what I've known. I'm trying to stay cautiously hopeful.

I do agree, he doesn't want what I want right now. He knows he's not ready, and I can see it when I'm with him. He is very focused on living alone for a while. Time will tell if it's to be alone in his tunnel, or to be able to act out .... This could determine the destiny of our marriage.

[Atsbaby]

Good news, but I agree with Matt, protect your heart and go slooooooow!

[Shining]

Ats, I hear this.... Going slow. I'll add this to my daily prayers and mantra.

There is no "real reconnection" even beginning at this point. But a definite shift in the type of cycling I have seen since suicide attempt in February. .

Changes I noticed:
H took his kids to dinner, and sent me pics from the restaurant. H hasn't send friendly "here's what we're doing" pics since pre-S.

Lots of texts tonight to me from h. I could tell his mood was mellow. Slow lags between messages. I was careful to match the timing, and the energy levels of the words. Very sweet. H said a few more cryptic things...it is interesting.

I'm nervous for dinner tomorrow,because the way I was asked seemed more deliberate than before. I'm curious, but expect nothing. I'll ask nothing about plans and future.

The one thing h seems to continue to bring into our chats, is the topic of not going back to where we were. I am consistent in reminding him, we can't, we won't, that did not work, we can create a new future and whatever we want it to looks like." H seems to like hearing that, he listens, and then he keeps bringing that up later in the chat.....

I'm falling asleep.... Trying to squeeze in my 7 hours!

I'm sure I'll remember more tomorrow.

[beatrice]

Shining, this is NOT to rain on your parade. It may be 'what you see is what you get' here. But many MLCers break up and go back to OW several times - remember they are a symptom.

Now it could well be that your h is a straightforward MLCer and this is now it. He has had his replay, and wants to reconnect. I hope so with all my heart.

There have been a number of really encouraging reconnections lately, and I really hope you will be one of them. But do be on your guard at first.

Hugs.

[LoisB]

Shining,

The bad news: Smokey broke up with OW, gradually, but started showing signs of clarity--albeit they were glimmers--the same time (it was the same week!) Reaching Higher's H did--he seemed to be coming to his senses...declared his profound apologies, began slowly, consistently seeing the kids again weekly/bi-weekly, said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me...Bottom Line: They went back to living together and have been (as far as I know for the past year) yadda, yadda, yadda...

The GOOD NEWS!!!!

You can learn from my experience.

I fell right back into my ol' wicked ways...stopped posting here, became addicted to Smokey again, lost myself again, looked to him to "save" me from this whole mess like Prince Charming...inside, my little girl was thrilled and screaming, "He's coming back!!! He really loves me! He IS the guy I thought he was!! The world isn't flat, it's round like I was taught!!!! Hallelujah!!!"

So, here's the deal...

ANYTHING can send him back on his merry (miserable) way again...the wind changes direction very, very quickly in MLC...without warning and there seems to be no rhyme or reason.

YOU MUST STAY CENTERED IN YOURSELF FOR YOUR OWN GOOD...AND THE GOOD OF YOUR MARRIAGE.

I became dependent again. I fell back into looking to him to RESCUE ME. He was very, very fragile and unable to be the light for MY LIGHTHOUSE. He was looking to me for guidance/strength/stability and I gave him more of the same thing that had contributed to our marriage breaking down.

Shining...you could be the world's most beautiful woman, have loads of things to offer this man and he still may fall back into the pool of insanity.

SO, your best bet is to remain focused on this relationship being dead/your old marriage is a goner...grieve it...bury it. Bury your old self in that marriage. You are now a new woman and look at him with fresh eyes...see him realistically for who HE IS TODAY...not who he WAS. That guy is gone right now.

FOCUS ON YOU...CONTINUE Job hunting, continue becoming independent...his breaking it off with OW doesn't change a damn thing in YOUR LIFE right now. Allow the hope to wash over you...but stop there...

IT actually, in my opinion, takes a great deal more strength and focus when the MLC-er comes out of the fog than when he/she is in it. There's always that urge to jump back into what is normal/comfortable with your spouse. We had long-term marriages and die-hard habits. That WON'T SERVE ANYONE.

You are a new person...becoming a brand-new Shining...Keep that up...allow him to have his journey and you have yours.

Center yourself, Breathe, focus on what HASN'T CHANGED IN HIM and what HAS CHANGED IN YOU.

He is still broken. He is still very much a threat, with OW or without. Protect your heart.

[uRworthy]

Hi Shining. Sorry I havent been around much.

So, I see some stuff I just wanted to point out. You are a straight shooter, so, I am going to keep it real, ok?

You are still getting ahead of yourself a bit and mindreading. Doesnt serve you well, ya know?

Just try to take things as they come. I know it's hard sometimes, but, it is best.

As for your h, you dont want him until he is completely baked and he isnt anywhere near that.

He has a long road ahead of him. You dont want him to skip any parts because they come back around to bite them later.

He has to look within and figure out what brought him to crisis. He has to do to reconcile all his stuff. He will cycle through and back around before he is completely out of the tunnel.

He has to do the work.

I understand you want to stay connected. I do think that positive interactions with you get store in his memory bank and that is a good thing.

The thing with the ow is that it was never about her. He has to figure out why he felt the need to even be with her.

So, dont get ahead of yourself about dinner. I get that you want to give him positive reinforcements because he needs them. But let him lead or he gets spooked.

Just enjoy the dinner and be you. Let the rest unfold as it is supposed to.

[Shining]

Well, cr@p.

You are all so insightful, and correct.

I have to slow down on this. I am admittedly so desperate to have my life back. But I do know deep down.....I can't. I dread waking up each day to what has become of my existence, compared to what it was before. Not perfect, but not this.

I love my kids. They have been through so much already. I want to put this back together for me, and for them, and I have to keep remembering I can not. It is not possible.

I feel like I've failed my kids twice.

I need to keep remembering to get unstuck. Move forward and create new happiness, with or without him.

Then I get all excited and hopeful that "I got a Golden Ticket" when there is no such thing.

Please keep posting truth darts and stories of experience. It helps me to be realigned. I can see myself so easily getting sucked back into old habits. Habits that added to this whole thing.... Errrrrrrggggggg.

I'll graciously stand outside with my umbrella, watching.... No...PERFORMING in the parade. Rain on my parade all you can, please!!!!

Just don't cancel it .