I am afraid that if I let go, I will let go forever. I was so miserable in our R for the last year and a half. I didn't want it to end, it was fear yes, but still love as well.
I am important too though. I matter, my happiness matters, my problem is I want to fix her. I can't do it, but every fiber of me wants to run to her, and just help help help. It's almost like a character flaw, it's great to want to help others, but it doesn't help you. And that's it, I don't care about myself.
Things I really enjoy for me. Going to the movies, I have a huge imagination and love Scifi action stuff. Being outdoors is awesome, nice day weather wise, just being. Building and fixing things, anything at all doesn't matter. If I don't know anything about I will research until I can at least attempt to fix. I built a 12x20 deck on my home three years ago. I had never undertaken such a large scale task, at least not alone. By the time I was done I felt so much pride in my work. I enjoy reading James Patterson novels. I like being with friends. There is so much I really enjoy. I just can't get any of it to matter right now.
I just can't freaking let go. What's my problem here. She doesn't love me anymore, could be seeing somebody else, has no feelings for me. And still I set here just waiting for when she says she is ready to come back. I am such a loser, waiting hoping for anything to fall my way.
I want to text her and say, are you seeing somebody else? Are you ready to come back to me? Can we please try and make this work? But I already know the answers to each and every question I would ask, heck no!!
Such a bad last week or so, I cannot seem to shake it at all!!!
What if you are suspecting OM, but do not know for sure? Are there ways to ask about this per DB? Should it just be let go, and shoved to the back burner? I think I screwed up again and when dropping kids off yesterday told her she looked pretty today!! Is that too much, didn't expect much, more just to see if anything reacted from it.
Roid, not sure if you've read any of my threads, but I feel your pain. I've been in constant confusion regarding OM and the status of their R. Was being told they were 'just friends' by W, but would see/hear things that led me to believe there was more. Just yesterday, W finally admitted to full PA.
All I can suggest is that you continue to work on yourself and don't get too caught up on OM/possible OM. It only takes the focus away from what you should be focusing on- making yourself a better person/H.
Snooping is typically looked down upon in DBing, but for myself, I felt I needed that information in order to make informed decisions on protecting myself and family. That's a personal decision only you can make.
I have read and actually put a little something there today. I don't want to snoop, a big 180 for me is not being jealous. I think I just need to step back and gain some patients. This weekend was nice being with her on Saturday, hearing some nice words. I think it jumped my mind into thinking we were getting somewhere. When in all actuality, it's just a very small step, hopefully in right direction. Thanks for the comments Tar!! And I feel for your pain as well, I hope you can decide what is right for you and your family.
We got into a R talk a bit. Thought she was opening up some, but really was just venting. She told me she was not ready to do anything right now. She thought I had changed a lot, and stuff, but she doesn't trust me or love anything right now. She is not where I am in the relationship.
I know it was bad, but I told her I felt about everything. Told her I made bad choices, and that it wasn't me, but wrong stuff I chose to do. I think I messed up big time here, and put my chances way back on the wrong path. I saw an opening and took too much. We were talking a lot more, and now that I pushed I know it will be a while until we talk much again. I will just have to pray that my chances are ruined for now. All I can do. I will do my best to not contact, unless she does, but unlikely.
The sexual feelings really have been getting to me. It's been so long and my feelings for her have grown. I went out this weekend with friends had a great time, but couldn't stop thinking about her. Women even flirted with me, and I just thought they are not my wife. They are not good enough. What to do here, I don't know, I need to find something for a distraction. Hope others are having better times!!
Roid hang in there, no one on earth could have screwed things up and more consistently then I did..lol for real, and I thought there was no way in hell that I would ever have another shot and I did...like 4 more times, but this time things are different, I know you love youre wife, but flirt back with the girls, it builds your self confidence and your wife will pick up on it, mine did. We are in a much better place right now,im not saying have an affair or anything like that, but wrap to the girls, buy them a drink, know that if you where single you could actually hook up with them...its a huge ego booster, plus you will begin to notice that life will not be all that bad without her. When you reach that point mentally, things will turn...trust me..it did for me. Hang in there...we are all in this together and I got your back!!!
Me: 42 W: 39 D: 2 age 6 and 9 D-Day: Dec 29 13 Seperated: 3/20/14 Mediation retainer : 5/20/14 She filed: 06/25/14
Thanks oad, need all the encouragement I can get right now. I know deep down it's a patients thing. I see an opening and try to exploit it. I just can't keep out if my own way. I was being nice, complementing her, not talking about us, and then boom I switch back to old selfish me. And there it is, being the old selfish me, that wants everything my way right now. I am going to try and just post everyday on here, maybe if I post every day that I didn't contact her, it will give me a sense of owning up to it. I need someone to hold me accountable, until I can do that on my own.
Instead of freaking out I'm going to post here. I have a constant feeling of impending doom! At least what it feels like. I know it's okay to feel this way, I'm just trying to not feel this way with her. Even when I text her I try to be as strong as I can be, not a emotional wreck. I can't just shake this feeling like I'm losing the most important thing I've had.
All my feelings for her have come back so much to where they once were. She was so mad at me, unforgiving in everything I did wrong, I gave up and said I just don't care anymore. Now I know I was hiding behind all the fear, and not being honest with myself about who I had become. I am so very sorry for all of it, and know I can do, and will do better. But I just don't know if I can ever get her heart back to me.
Hopefully with this board I can just keep putting my thoughts here, and keep the more emotional stuff from her. God I do miss her so fiercely!!
