Lisa, at our last MC meeting the C said to my H, "She's really, really pretty, doesn't that do ANYTHING for you?"
My H looked at me and I could practically see him hardening himself, and then he said very coldly, "It's not about that."
Ouch!!
But I think it's true. He's been with me 17 years. He's seen me at my best and at my worst. I may have been pretty in that moment, but he knows me better, and it really isn't about that.
Have fun flirting.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
He's not staring at you and counting wrinkles or thinking you're ugly. As a guy, I don't think that's why he'd stare. I'd guess either, "wow, she looks stunning!" (And that's a plus, because, duh. Or he's thinking "man, she looks tired/sad/exhausted." In which case he's actually caring about you.
Sorry for long distance mind reading, but I don't see that a guy staring is a bad thing. Especially not if you were just being flirted on earlier that day.
Stick with it! No R talk. Be awesome!
Me: 34 W:33 T: 10 M: 6 S: 6 D: 5 BD: 5/14 Still together(ish) Not giving up: 7/14 D talk has slowed, a lot. Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms. Slow and Steady wins the race.
Haha Maybell, sorry to laugh but that is a funny exchange. But at least he basically agreed that you are gorgeous! Of course it is not all about that, but him knowing you are attractive can't hurt. Imagine if he had responded to the MC "Really? No I don't find her pretty at all."
Thanks Joe for the feedback. Of course he could be thinking anything, I have no idea. But yeah I guess better that he was looking at me instead of at his phone or at the floor.
I'm working on a list of signs that I can look for to see that my DB, 180s etc are working (or not) so that I can monitor and adjust my behaviors. It's a bit difficult though. I can put things like "contacts me regularly" but that could also be friend-zone. I can put things like "tells me I'm incredible and he wants to get back together" but yeah I guess I would notice that huge sign. I need to figure out the key things to look out for that are not just friend behaviors.
Hope everyone is having a nice weekend. Hugs, Lisa B
Me: 34 H: 30 M: 4 years BD: 6/15/14 He moved out 6/30/14 OW1: EA then PA after BD Now he's dating multiple OWs I'm over it and moving on.
I know you don't have kids, but one of my signs has been H liking things I post on Facebook that don't involve the kids. He's done it a couple of times but it's new in the last 6-8 months.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I think I will try and offer a litter perspective from a guy's mindset. First, Lisa, your H was staring at you because he was thinking about you. When a guy thinks about a girl who is in front of him, he tends to forget he is staring. Now what he was thinking is unknown, but here is what I do when I am with my W. My W is young, extremely fit, and by all means very good looking. She is the girl in the room other husbands are staring at. But right now I do not see that. I will stare at flaws, and downplay her physical attributes. Why? Because it makes it easier for me to detach from that primitive draw all men feel towards a beautiful woman. Think of it as having a perfectly grilled steak in front of you. Now convince yourself you saw a roach run across it. No matter how great that steak looks, it is easier to push it aside now. Even if there was no roach, you THINK or have convinced yourself there was. It is a defense mechanism.
Lisa and Maybell, you both do not realize it but you do have an ace in the hole by being attractive women. Right now your husbands do not see you the way they did when you first met. Back then you were probably a challenge. You were something they desired to have maybe because they did not have you at the time. People by nature want what they cannot have. As LBS we know this more than anyone. Over time they grew to take you for granted. I know I did with my W. Reminds me of a saying we used to blurt out in my younger days. Show me a beautiful woman, and I will show you a guy who is tired of her. Ok, the real version is a little more vulgar, but you get the point. If you REALLY want to see where your H stands emotionally with you, leave them. By that, I mean really let go, and move on. Even if you have to fake it. You both are getting attention from other men, then go with it. I am not saying take them out to the car and get freaky, but go on a date. Let your H know that another guy is taking you out. Do not be in his face let him know, but casually mention you are going on a date somehow. Then make sure it gets back to him how much fun you had, and you are going on another. Trust me, even if your Hs are 'tired' of you, it will eat at his core. You "belong" to him and he will be damned if another man gets to move in on his 'territory'. Again, men are primitive by nature. If your H has any doubts or reservations about your M, believe me, he will respond. He may be angry, he may be jealous, he may be repenting. I am a fairly decent looking guy who really has never had trouble meeting or dating women. I could walk right into another relationship at this very moment, and probably end up in another M and be happy. And I am about at the point where I am going to be the one to push our D through. I say this so you do not think I am of the mindset 'oh no, if my W leaves I will be alone forever and I will never have anyone as great as her'. But should my 'option' disappear right now (similar to your H affair ending or troubles with it) I would in all honesty have that sense of loneliness and wonder when/if the next one will come along. It is the unknown which gets me. Use that fear or insecurity to your advantage. Right now he knows he can still have you IF he wanted and WHEN he wants. Let him watch you smile and be happy because of another guy. The idea of another guy with her, even if we both moved on, strikes at my very core. And it is not just the physical things. It is the sense of failure of knowing this other guy would be able to do for her what I was not. Many guys tend to think of themselves as Alpha males, and any intrusion by another male into our lives which challenges that, causes a lot of internal struggles within ourselves we want to correct.
Just a thought from my perspective...
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
Very good, Pilot! Men and women can learn a lot about their spouses when they share this type of information on the board. I wish more men would do it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Pilot, I hope you will not take this the wrong way, but I love you! Thanks for that awesome insight! I vow to put it to good use!
Now to just figure out how to make him think I am moving on and going out with other men without straight out saying it or flirting with guys right in front of him.
This reminds me of a quote Ben2010 put on one of his threads about how the guys who seemed to have the most success were the ones who "got a life" and moved on. Not sure if that is true but it was an interesting quote!
Hope everyone is enjoying the weekend! I went to a super fun party and had a blast. Feeling good. Life is full of excitement. Thanks again pilot and my other wonderful DB friends for your continued support!
Hugs, LisaB
Me: 34 H: 30 M: 4 years BD: 6/15/14 He moved out 6/30/14 OW1: EA then PA after BD Now he's dating multiple OWs I'm over it and moving on.
Pilot, I hope you will not take this the wrong way, but I love you!
EA
Haha
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
"Pilot, I hope you will not take this the wrong way, but I love you!"
Yep. Me too.
You DA MAN!!!
Thanks for your insight. I might have a shot yet...
Any thoughts on how to work this with an insecure guy with a serious problem with rejection? He might just say "Oh well. She's out of my league."
---GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
