Ss, for what it's worth, when asked my H said he didn't think leaving was the best option, he just didn't know what else to do.
Since I didn't know what he wanted I couldn't make any better suggestions. He's got something to figure out and that's how he's going about it.
Sorry for the hijack, Claire.
maybell,
That's even more confusing and I'm so sorry. Him leaving because he doesn't know what else to do and you not knowing what he wants in order to suggest some options... that's painful. I'm sorry. ((((())))))
What great team-building we've done here! It feels really comforting to know that I am in such good company. I actually don't know anyone else in my situation. (I know a couple of women who left their husbands, and I know a couple of women whose ex-husbands were/are totally horrible, but I don't know anyone whose sitch was so similar to mine-- and especially NO women who have DB'd.
Anyway after all this analysis of our WAHs, I had another epiphany in the shower (where I do my best thinking!). After he left with D3 an hour ago, I sobbed, and screamed.. and then thought about it.
I realized that HE IS WEAK.
He has always been weak. Physically, he is not very strong (even though he is tall and he is neither scrawny nor fat, he doesn't work out, so he doesn't have a strong physique). And, he doesn't know how to fix stuff. He is not handy at all. I am the one who puts all the Ikea furniture together, who solves most of the little problems around the house. He just is not good at that kind of stuff. He was always very defensive and had trouble accepting responsibility and apologizing for mistakes, even big ones. That is such a sign of weakness and insecurity. A secure, confident person can own up to what they have done and apologize sincerely. A secure, confident person doesn't always have to "be right".
And a strong person would be able to communicate with their partner and have the courage to try to improve the situation together, or at least communicate it in a way that still honored the commitment. What if he had said, "Claire, I have to be honest with you-- I'm starting to feel like this M is not what I want for myself. I feel unhappy, and it's hard to imagine that changing. But deep down I don't want to get divorced. I think we need some time apart so that we can both work on ourselves, and then maybe we'll decide to work on rebuilding our R together. I can't offer you any guarantees, but I'm willing to try, and I hope we will find some resources that will help us."
I think maybe he chose me because I made him feel strong. I was even weaker than he was. Maybe he thought I was the best he could do. Would I choose him now? I actually don't think so. I could never really see how weak he was before, because I was so damaged and unhealthy myself. But I can see it clearly now.
For my daughter's sake, I'm still on the fence, but right now I am barely holding this rope. I deserve a stronger person. For all my faults as a person and a wife, I deserve better than the way he's handled this.
It's still heartbreaking, and I will still mourn all I stand to lose/have already lost. But today I think I've reached a turning point.
Weak. Insecure. He can fix things, but he has a serious problem with "looking weak" or expressing any vulnerability. This has been an ongoing issue with him.
In contrast, I am strong. I think he was attracted to my strength. He just couldn't handle it and that came out in the bedroom (*sigh*) Therefore, the preference for women he could feel superior to and porn.
Nothing to "compete" with, you know?
But "WEAK". Definitely.
It's my biggest fear. That his neediness and weakness (which I NEVER SAW until recently) will prevent him from doing anything to keep this train from hitting the end of the line.
Speaking of my fear, there are his fears. Numerous and deep. Also something of which I was unaware until recently, at least about the extent to which they negatively impacted his life.
This is a guy who would never sing "Hootchie Cootchie Man" to me, although I asked him many times over the years.
(He used to be in a band and the girls would swoon when he sang it. I heard all about this and always wanted him to do this for me.) It's a small thing to ask, right?
Recently, I asked him why he wouldn't do it.
I asked if it was a way to withhold from me, control or punish me. He said he didn't think so.
He finally said it was more about looking foolish.
This was my partner of almost 3 decades. The fact that he was worried about looking foolish in front of ME all that time, over a silly song--well, that says a lot.
And now I'm seeing more and more things along the same line, things I didn't make much of at the time.
It's sad and disheartening.
I made him a bumper sticker once with a picture of our little old dog. It said "Be Kind".
He said: "I would never put that on my vehicle."
I thought he liked that I was kind to everyone, but now I think he must believe that kindness=weakness.
Who knows.
Sorry for the hijack--it's just that's how I think of him now: Incredibly weak and looking everywhere for a fix except inside himself, where he would have to admit that he has problems.
---GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Brittle is probably a more compassionate way to put it. I have actually felt pity for my H. After all, what kind of person just up and walks out on their family? Not a very healthy one, that's for sure.
And while I realize there was a lot of anger in my post, I think I'm also just realizing that maybe that's the explanation for all this. He's just too weak. Too weak to look deep within himself, too weak to make real changes, too weak to work hard at rebuilding a life with me.
Maybe the pressure of trying to appear strong for me just got to be too much.
Gonna go out for a great dinner with friends tonight, and think of all the ways that I am strong on the way there. (And probably a few more ways he is weak, too).
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Had an interesting conversation with a DB coach this AM. Glad I waited on that email, and now have a bit more insight, and some slightly new strategies to try, along with some new perspective on the positives I've seen.
Not tossing in the towel just yet. And have a new GAL goal to get my cute little body back. First step is to get moving more. Gonna sign up for a 5K in December. Plenty of time!
