Maybe neighborly NC is the best way for my H to miss me, but then it seems to leave us in a negative place. He senses I am being distant and maybe he misses me but he also thinks I am angry. Then he starts communicating with me in a guarded, scared and angry way too. That doesn't seem to be helping us on the way to getting back together.
Since DB is about doing what works, I'm going to try something slightly different this week and see where it takes me. If it fails, I will go back to a stronger NC.
I've found that my H responds much better when I am friendly than when I am "cool." I hope your new plan is fruitful this week!
Lisa,There's no right or wrong answer. Only you know your Sitch the best. Do what works. I hope your happy positive persona will shine and knock some sense into your H head!
Hi cq1! Thanks for checking in! Been thinking about you!
Hi Maybell, that's a great question! When that ex came begging, I was OVER IT. I was devastated when we split but then slowly realized my life was better without him (he had a lot of problems). When he came around I gave myself time to consider and decided that I was just not interested anymore. My mom says when you are done, you are done. I suffered a lot in that R. I guess I was finally done.
This brings up another point I wanted to make When figuring out how to deal with my WAH I try to think about times when I was in HIS position, when I wanted to get out of a relationship. I think about what the guy could have possibly done differently to make me want him back. The above ex chased me for a long time after we split. He tried to give me the attention, support and affection that he withheld during the R. But I was repelled by it. What if he just was cool, acted like a friend, didn't cling or beg or promise to change, didn't try to hug and kiss me all the time when I saw him? What would have happened? Who knows but for sure the clinging and the begging did not work. It made me sick. I just wanted to get as far away from him as I could, and this was a guy that I bent over backward for when we were together.
So, tonight I met up with the WAH, and tried to keep the above thoughts in mind. I was trying to give off the vibe of being disinterested rather than clingy and desperate. Unfortunately he acted exactly the same way as I did! What is with this mirroring BS? He was completely detached. He treated me like a coworker that he barely likes. Not rude or mean but just cold and distant. Gave me stern advice on some things I am dealing with (like he was my Dad or something), and looked at me with dead shark eyes.
Overall I held myself together and was not emotional. A few mistakes I made: - as we left I invited him to a party I was going to afterward, he declined - I got a little angry/annoyed a few times when he said weird things. One thing he said while telling a story was "have you ever seen my old apartment?" I lived in that apartment! Have I ever seen it? WHAT? It's like he not only cut me out of his future, but also his past????
He made the move to give me brief hugs upon greeting and saying goodbye. I didn't really reciprocate, which is very unlike me.
All in all it was very weird. He seemed totally detached like we were never together, maybe I seemed the same.
He did seem curious about some of my 180s, asking questions about them. And he offered advice and his help with a few things that are going on in my life. He did not need to get involved, so I was surprised and thanked him for the offer. I don't know if I want to take him up on it, as it means I will be a bit reliant on him for a while (not completely independent) and will need to contact him for his help. On the other hand it also means opportunity/excuse to see each other and to let him try to please me by doing something nice to help me. I don't need to decide now, so I will see if he offers again.
The dead shark eyes are what scared me. At first I was super down about the whole encounter, but the more I think about it, the more positive I feel. I wonder if it is just my ego lying to protect myself. But I feel that for the most part I seemed distant and detached, and maybe as he thinks about that he will become curious. And I feel like his detached behavior was an act. But like I said, maybe I am just fooling myself.
He later sent me a message thanking me for dinner, so I guess he also felt weird about the meeting too, as he had already thanked me in person and there was no need for a message. Especially weird because the bizarre cold person I had dinner with would not send a thank you message!
Who knows. Anyone have a good interaction with their S lately?
Hugs, LisaB
404 error, H not found haha
Me: 34 H: 30 M: 4 years BD: 6/15/14 He moved out 6/30/14 OW1: EA then PA after BD Now he's dating multiple OWs I'm over it and moving on.
Hi DB friends, Just another rambling update. The WAH has been friendly messaging again today, offering help with things and being chatty.
Probably he misses me in his life and is hoping to enjoy that close connection and support we had without any commitment or emotions on his part. All the relationship gurus warn against letting your ex "cake eat" and use you to get over the break up. While I get it that you need to maintain distance and pull back, I also wonder if being "friends" is a bad thing? I'm not sure.
If we are in an antagonistic or distant place is that better? Will he really be so upset by that that he suddenly realizes again that I am the love of his life? He hasn't seemed to have this epiphany in 2 months so I'm just not sure!
Well, I am still continuing my experiment with being friendly to see what happens. I think I need to make/revise my list of signs that things are improving so that I can truly monitor what is working.
Also I should add that while I am being friendly I am also not pursuing, not being clingy and not contacting him first. I am trying to convey confidence, independence and that I am happy with my life WITHOUT HIM, while still being open to him in a friendly way. I guess a way to look at it is that I am putting HIM in the friend zone.
As someone said before, there just don't seem to be as many women on here with success stories as men. Can someone point out good ones for us?
Hugs, LisaB
Me: 34 H: 30 M: 4 years BD: 6/15/14 He moved out 6/30/14 OW1: EA then PA after BD Now he's dating multiple OWs I'm over it and moving on.
I'm struggling with the same thing about how my H is acting. He's been saying a LOT that he wants to be closer, he wants to be friends, and I've been telling him that I'm afraid of being hurt again. He says he doesn't want to hurt me either and that he doesn't know what he wants yet.
We have three kids so I hear from him a lot and sometimes the line between communicating for the kids and communicating ABOUT the kids with each other is really blurry.
I know the more I hold him at arms' length the more insistent he seems to be about connecting closely.
25yearsmlc and Train are two women who had success with their H's. T0324 seems to be making a tiny bit of progress and her situation is really, really dire. Train's is very recent and her situation was also extremely dire. But at the end of the day, does it matter? If my situation is the 1% it's still the one I've got to deal with.
Hugs back atcha!
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Hang in there Lisa. I think friends is better than enemies. Anything that allows you to keep moving your H's interactions in a positive direction is good. Good feelings after seeing you can't be bad.
I think you're doing great.
Me: 34 W:33 T: 10 M: 6 S: 6 D: 5 BD: 5/14 Still together(ish) Not giving up: 7/14 D talk has slowed, a lot. Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms. Slow and Steady wins the race.
Hi Lisa I too have been scouring the boards looking for success stories regarding wahs. I am desperate for inspiration I think my story is one of the worst on here it seems totally bleak. So if my wah wanted to be friends or meet up for a drink I would be overjoyed!
Interesting point you made Lisa about breaking up with an ex. When I broke up with an ex years ago my mind was totally made up and had been for weeks. Nothing he said would have changed my mind , however if he had pretended he didn't care and got on living his life to the full then who knows?
Keep up the good work you are certainly inspiring me to carry on. Xx
Me - 44 Husband - 47 D20, S18 BD - Aug 2013 Moved out - Jan 2014 OW discovered Jan 2014
Hi Maybell! Interesting that your H has been saying he wants to be closer but is confused or nervous about it. That's a great step I think. I wish my H would say he wants to be closer and is confused. He just keeps saying that the relationship is dead and over. Also thanks for pointing out the positive female stories.
Thanks for the encouraging words Joe and Stacey!
Went out to a restaurant by myself today for lunch. Was sitting eating and doing some paperwork and a guy started smiling at me and talking to me from his table nearby. Then he came and sat with me and started chatting. I wasn't really attracted to him but he wasn't bad. I have had a few experiences in the past week with decent looking guys hitting on me. I wonder, if these strangers find me attractive, how can my H (who obviously used to find me appealing) be so detached, weird and cold?
Yesterday when we had dinner I noticed he was staring at me when I wasn't looking. I couldn't tell if he was staring like "oh wow you are so amazingly gorgeous" or like "she has even more wrinkles than last time I saw her" or like "she's so ugly, how did I ever find her attractive". But yeah, he was staring at me.
Friendly messaging continues with the H today. Not sure what it means. Maybe nothing, I'm just rolling with it and we will see what tomorrow brings. I've been trying not to answer messages in the evening so that maybe he will wonder if I am out on dates. I know, game playing but hey... if it works...! Plus, I am actually out being social most of the time!
Been thinking about you!