Everything you just wrote, even though you thought it was rambling, really resonated with me. Everything in this thread is resonating with me tonight.
Your H is in the same mindset as my H. It's not right and doesn't come naturally so it's not supposed to work. Ok, maybe it's not that simple but it's a basic idea of his words. And he's completely oblivious to the feeling of accomplishment of working through stuff to the point of a resolution that feels good because you worked for it. Resolution to him means I give up and apologize.
We were never good at resolution in our marriage. We'd argue the same stuff over and over and over and for years and years and years and then when it was all out of our systems we'd go to bed and wait until it "blew over". That was just his way. I would bring it up again and he'd say nothing. I carried the burden of bringing up things over and over with the hope that we'd compromise or resolve ANYTHING. No. He was unwilling to compromise and I became stubborn, too. Then I carried the burden of saying "this isn't right, we never resolve anything" and he'd just shrug. He used to say "you see the problem you can fix it" and I called him out on the "whoever smelt it dealt it" mentality. We just did not know how to argue properly or resolve our issues properly. We became resentful and resentment leads to lack of respect. Too much of that and any marriage will crumble. But that doesn't mean we can't learn ways to work together. Learn ways to argue, provide respect, RESOLVE sh!t so we can be more loving and supportive. Why walk away from potential? Who does that?
And raliced, I agree. I feel like I've been really wronged here, as I am sure most of you do too. But the LBS often doesn't get to express that sentiment because we're trying to listen and learn and hope and change and read and post and research and validate and be patient. All super important things to do and crucial to building a healthy marriage where there wasn't one before but sometimes I want to say "hey! I've heard your plight. Now it's time to WORK, take the hard road because it's what is BEST in the long run."
I hear you there, Claire. I'm sure for them, it's been a long time coming, but to just totally cut things off like it were some offending appendage, after years of sharing so much intimate knowledge with each other, is just gut wrenching. How do you go from writing notes saying how proud you are of someone and all they do for your family to telling them they are the worst person that you have ever known. Sometimes it would be nice to be a total stranger because I think a total stranger gets treated better!
M:35 W:31 S: 9 D: 5 M: 11.5 yrs BD: 5/13 W moved out: 7/13
Since I'm feeling all philosophical this am, I'll chime in a bit further. I don't think in every situation "it's a long time coming." I think that frequently there is an event or something that creates an *impetus* for change. In regards to that whole *in love* vs love thing , eh, that's pretty obvious to me. Some of that is merely brain chemistry so I believe when some people say they aren't *in love*, they are seeking newness and excitement-which will burn off in your brain in 18-24 months anyway. However, I may differ a bit in the sense (it may not be very DB of me to think this) that I see some threads where it seems the LBS is *waiting* for the affair or infatuation with dating others to end. IMHO, that can be a dangerous mindset. Life is short. Waiting and not fully living is a dangerous path to place yourself. I don't say this to quell hope, and I always wonder if I should even say this. However, while 95% of affairs do not end in M or Rs, 5% do and I've seen those happen. Of course, not all of those will have true longevity as well.
That's why it's so important to focus on yourself and children if you have them. Ultimately, the only person you have any control over is yourself. And while, it is cathartic to analyze he how's, whys, and how coulds, the reality is that there may never be *true* answers to all of those questions. You only go around once, so savor the moment.
Happy Friday:-)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
"A year before, he can write you an anniversary card that says you are his best friend, and he hopes you always will be, he will reassure you over and over that the M is fine, that you are overthinking things. And then, he will just walk away and wall himself off from any discussion of it at all. As if we are 23 and have dated for a few months and can simply break up with no real implications. I mean, not one real conversation like, "Claire-- here's what I'm feeling. I'm scared. I don't want this to happen."
Instead, here we are, supposed to stay smiling and strong and jump immediately into this new version of our relationship with this sudden stranger. And after months and years of building a life together, they can just sit us down one day and say, "i'm moving out." and not have a single real discussion after that, except to say that they are just not in love anymore and have thought about it a lot and can't imagine ever being in love with us again."
Thanks for recommending Mindset, reading it now. Interesting book!
Hope you are having a better day today. Hugs, Lisa
Oh and Georgiabelle, totally agree with you as well. Waiting and waiting just isn't a good idea. You have to move on and enjoy life (eventually after being a wreck for a while). Maybe you always leave the door open a crack but yeah I think you are right. Don't put life on hold. Hugs, Lisa
It just seems so out of this world to me. You can be married to someone. A year before, he can write you an anniversary card that says you are his best friend, and he hopes you always will be, he will reassure you over and over that the M is fine, that you are overthinking things. And then, he will just walk away and wall himself off from any discussion of it at all. As if we are 23 and have dated for a few months and can simply break up with no real implications. I mean, not one real conversation like, "Claire-- here's what I'm feeling. I'm scared. I don't want this to happen."
How about 6 weeks? Beautiful dinner out, beautiful card. Six weeks later he's Mr. Ice. He's done, wants out, ready to move on to a new life with OW. How does that happen?
One of the things I said in our MC was that he did not protect me, did not protect our marriage. That if he knew he was unhappy "for years", then why weren't we in MC years ago? The word "protect" gave him a start, but ultimately didn't make any difference of course.
Claire said: "It just seems so out of this world to me. You can be married to someone. A year before, he can write you an anniversary card that says you are his best friend, and he hopes you always will be, he will reassure you over and over that the M is fine, that you are overthinking things. And then, he will just walk away and wall himself off from any discussion of it at all. As if we are 23 and have dated for a few months and can simply break up with no real implications. I mean, not one real conversation like, "Claire-- here's what I'm feeling. I'm scared. I don't want this to happen."
I know, it's mind-boggling. I am trying not to think about the person I depended on and trusted so much just feeling like "Eh. I'm not feeling it. Bye."
And in the same breath saying the fact that he was insane over this OW had "nothing to do with it. No, it didn't contrast with our M at ALL. No, it was just that his R with her was how he was "supposed to feel" (excited, distracted, horny, "in love"), and therefore our M was "dead". But that had NOTHING to do with why he doesn't love me anymore."
Claire: "Instead, here we are, supposed to stay smiling and strong and jump immediately into this new version of our relationship with this sudden stranger. And after months and years of building a life together, they can just sit us down one day and say, "i'm moving out." and not have a single real discussion after that, except to say that they are just not in love anymore and have thought about it a lot and can't imagine ever being in love with us again."
Yes, exactly. The only discussion we had was about how he was so damaged, that it wasn't me, but then again it was, we were just never meant for each other, she "made him happy" (maybe because the endorphins helped because he's depressed????). But what sticks in my mind was that after about a week of me freaking out, he said, very disappointed: "Well, I was really hoping to see you find some peace by now. I guess that's never going to happen..." (This from the guy who refused counseling, wouldn't discuss anything, wouldn't touch me... Yeah. Peace. He read half of a book on helping your spouse heal from your affair, it said to help them eat, so he brought me noodles once. I guess that means he "tried everything." Like he said HE got after filing for divorce. "I'm at PEACE now..." he said. Really? Are you a sociopath????)
Oops! I'm looking over at his sandbox again... gotta scoot!
---GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
You know, this discussion just makes me feel better, perhaps in a twisted sort of way, but I am soooo glad I'm not the only one this has happened to, that there are other people that know how I feel. I get caught up in the unfairness of it all sometimes. Thanks, ladies, for letting me know I'm not alone.
Oh and Georgiabelle, totally agree with you as well. Waiting and waiting just isn't a good idea. You have to move on and enjoy life (eventually after being a wreck for a while). Maybe you always leave the door open a crack but yeah I think you are right. Don't put life on hold. Hugs, Lisa
This is the key, that's what GAL is about.
Work on those things you know you need to change, for you.
Don't wait. Live your life actively not waiting for someone to choose you.
Become the person you were meant to be.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
GAL is a crucial element to not waiting. It's a welcome distraction, too. For me it's warding off what could be a debilitating depression and for that I'm WAY grateful!
Being left behind becomes all consuming. What went wrong? When did he change his mind? Why didn't he bring it up? Why is leaving the better option for him? So because these questions are left unanswered, deep confusion persists in our heads and going after the answers is pursuing, arguing and generally bad, we sit and... wait.
GAL keeps me busy while I'm waiting but I think what isn't being said is that we're supposed to let go and if he returns then welcome him back with open arms (if that's what we want). Right? If that's what we're supposed to do why is that not more clearly stated. Am I getting it wrong?
