Ready!!! Confuse Theeeeeeeeeeeee....(Pause)...CAT!

[LoisB]

Ok. So, mom tells me, "Your sis and neice want to see Stepdad, so let's meet for dinner at yadda yadda at 6:30."

Now, I had a job interview yesterday about an hour away...(big disappointment with a library) but, I planned on 6:30. I get a text and a frazzled phone call from my mom at 5:3-..."Where are YOU!? WE are at the house and hungry. Don't stop at home, just hurry up and get to the restaurant."

I'm firm. Mom, I had a job interview. It was important. I can't be there until 6:30. Sorry.

So, we get there. It's weird. Stepdad is paying for all of us to have dinner.

I tell everyone about the job opportunity and get the "less-than-encouraging" support from everyone. Stepdad is at the end of the table with D20 and gets creepy with her...bringing up uncomfortable stuff and she tells him to please stop.

The One Direction concert stuff comes up and I discuss how D20 may need to stay home because we need someone to watch the dog. My sis is disappointed because we are stopping at my dad's before the concert on Sat. So, I tell everyone how I don't have anyone to help with the dog. Mom says, "I'd offer, but I really don't want to drive out there this weekend." I accept it...it's ok.

Within the next 30 SECONDS...Stepdad says, "I'd like to get away this weekend."

Mom says, "Would you like me to stay at the house this weekend?"

Stepdad says, "Yes, I'm stuck at the house so much." (There's a big yard and he has told my mom that she did to him what Smokey did to me by leaving him to handle it all...pretend to forget the years of abuse and the multiple affairs).

Mom says, "Sure, I can help this weekend. I know your stuck at home."

[LoisB]

Ah, but there's more!!

So, we continue on...We've been there awhile now...Stepdad is getting visibly upset...angry because he really isn't a part of the conversation. He's pi$$ed because he is paying for dinner and he isn't really a part of things anymore. NOT MY FAULT.

My brother gets up to leave. I follow suit. We say thanks for dinner, yadda, yadda...

Stepdad says, "You guys just go. I will stay here and maybe have two or three more drinks alone."

Mom and sis and bro immediately jump in and say, "Do you want us to stay? We can stay...We will stay with you."

Mom: "I'm not leaving you alone."

I nudge mom and say, "We can leave."

Bro and sis sit down because they are good Christians and that's the "kind" thing to do. We've been lectured by mom on this that Stepdad is fragile and needs our love right now.

I sit down. I'm peeved though.

I'm not that person anymore. They are still at this place where I used to live, have roots and knew the lay of the land. That's not me anymore. D20 and D11 are uncomfortable too.

We get in the car, finally, and let it out. "Are they crazy?"

[LoisB]

We go back to Mom's. No one says a WORD about dinner. NOTHING.

The focus comes to me. I'm in the spotlight. Everyone wants to know about the dissolution and Smokey and all the gorey details. Mom encourages discussion about what's been happening. I feel sorta sick after because every sordid detail is now out there and I'm looking at my life like, "WTF!???"

[LoisB]

My life is a diversion.

Afterwards, I felt sick, used, ick...I'm a diversion.

The girls and I had a long discussion. WE all were pretty ick. We don't fit anymore. This experience has changed us, changed our expectations of other people...We aren't raging co-dependents anymore and this means we stick out like a sore thumb in our family.

[Underdog]

Heather,

Good luck! I've stayed at the Ramada right off the interstate, and it's just fine. There are lots of amenities (in fact, they have the closest Target to my D20, who loves Target over Walmart).

LOL, whenever my D20 tells people she goes to college in NY, they always ask her how far from NYC she is. She says 5-6 hours and they are usually dumbstruck. She says upstate NY. They say, Syracuse? Albany? She says, "No, Canada. The closest big city to my school is actually Ottawa and then Montreal. Syracuse is 150 miles to the south and the closest US big city to where I live." That usually puts them in the WTF mode. It makes me laugh. In fact, she usually gets some press in the Watertown Times every fall.

The reason they are not supporting you is because they are afraid. You're challenging them to their own beliefs and they don't like that. You're shedding the skin you used to wear and finding more comfortable skin in which to live. The older I get, the more I realize how many people just refuse to do that. Instead of growing, they stagnate and become Debbie Downers.

I left my home in VA in 1988 - I was just shy of 26 and I moved to the Bay Area - where I knew NO ONE. And I mean NO ONE. I figured I owed it to myself to take the journey and see how it was. I told myself, "If you hate this, you can always move back." And I've kept that philosophy ever since. I can always do something else if I find it won't work out. Nothing is catastrophic. I just made myself commit to one year.

Since you've never uprooted yourself (and your daughter), give it more time. It's hard to develop new routines and make new friends. But just force yourself to put yourself out there, okay? It's often weird and people might think you're weird, but who gives a crap?

And when I fly out there again next spring to pick up D20 from school, I promise to meet up with you if you're there. We can meet for coffee somewhere. I'd love that! (She just left yesterday, and I'm already planning her return LOL.) I'm coming in October as well, but we'll be driving straight to school to watch her volleyball match. Otherwise I'd do it then too!

So spread your wings and just do what you want to do. Someone will always find a way to try and rain on your parade if you let it.

For the record, when I moved to CA, everyone told me, "Why would you do that? It's expensive and they have earthquakes!" When I moved to Denver, they said, "Why would you want to be landlocked in the snow belt?" I've *loved* living in both places! You can find those people much easier than the ones who tell you, "Heather, take the adventure because it's fun!"

Hugs and good luck--
Betsey

[Underdog]

The girls and I had a long discussion. WE all were pretty ick. We don't fit anymore. This experience has changed us, changed our expectations of other people...We aren't raging co-dependents anymore and this means we stick out like a sore thumb in our family.

p.s. This was exactly the reason I left Virginia myself. I love my family, but didn't want to be in the zoo with them anymore. I love visiting the zoo, but not living in it!

[Mighty]

What an evening for you! I'm sorry you don't feel so supported. That's tough. I understand about how you change and feel differently around others now. This mlc thing totally changes us and how we see things. I don't have anything to really help with the situation, but I will send good thoughts in your direction. I have to say, the other night I said a special prayer, just for you. The next day is when I read you heard from NY. If it's meant to be, you will know it. I am only a few hours away from Watertown. I am pretty familiar with the area since my parents are both from even further north! I have lots of family up there and we have property on 1,000 Islands. With that said... my aunt lives in Watertown and she lived in Ohio for 30 years. She still works for Cleveland Clinic, just from home. Her daughter lives in Cleveland still.

Hang in there with the fam. I hope it works out with the dog. Maybe you could drop him off at your stbx stepdad's and your mom will watch him there????

[LoisB]

Underdog, Thank you so much for the support, I really needed it today. :-)

Could actually use some more. I'm going to write out what happened with as much temerity as I am able.

I was just ripped open a bit by my mother and sis. I think I have a pretty good idea now of what's going on...the girls and I discussed it after.

I felt pretty alone though...This really hurt. And, I'm not sure I can completely see it clearly because of the hurt involved.

Here's what happened. I tutored this morning and went over to my mom's. I was still feeling a bit weird after last night's dinner, but wanted to see my sister. I guess this morning they had met Stepdad for breakfast and called D20 to join them. D20 really wants no part of Stepdad. He makes her feel creepy and I respect that. They used to have a good relationship, but after his affairs and so forth, it changed. So, he gives her directions on the phone and she is a bit short with him and doesn't end up going. Whatever...no big.

Well, we get to my mom's and someone makes a remark, probably D20, about Stepdad being weird. Mom jumps to his defense. I'm still feeling a bit of last night and sick of the silent tx on the weird dinner and I back up d20 by saying, "He's weird." Get a dirty look from mom.

So, we go in and I noticed that the girls and I were all a bit sensitive to the "suggestions" made by my mom and sis. We felt like the odd man out. My sister commented to D11 about needing earplugs...Mom says that we can't go too early to the concert...mostly mom stuff, but we were all just a bit sensitive today, probably because of the job offer, potential move, dissolution, One Direction concert, etc...a LOT going on!

Well, my sis gets upset because we are short. I'm grilled on whether I'm renting a car for New York, what the salary is, etc...all well and good. I get that they are trying to help...but, it's one thing after another. And, when I tell them the salary range I'm willing to accept, I get more unwanted feedback and more "suggestions" on how to negotiate. And, how it wouldn't be worth it for this amount and yadda, yadda...Their scared for me...I get it.

When I say, "Thanks, but I can handle this," sis says, "Why are you so defensive?"

I try to explain. She, then, turns the subject into my lack of contact with her. And, how I haven't talked to her in 2 months.

I say, "I guess I just feel a bit judged? or something?" I try to explain how I have this group of friends (here and home) that really support and encourage me in everything and with mom and sis, I feel like they are always telling me what I should be doing or that I'm not doing it right or I feel judged.

My sister goes off on this tangent about how she isn't judging, she just wants a sister and she tries with me and...D20 jumps in and tries to say that we are sorta in survival mode right now. And, I add that we are just trying to get through each day. And, she says, "Aunt x, I DO think you judge mom. You talk to me about how you called a few times and she was playing Mario and you wondered why she wasn't looking for a job."

Swell...Apparently, there were some conversations between D20 and my sis about my lack of a job last spring.

I try to defend myself.

Well, mom flips. FLIPS. Starts crying and saying how she has stepped up to the plate for me and this has been such a hard summer for her and she is angry about the blow ups that d20 and I have had at her apartment (something I do regret)...

Mom: "I don't care if you are in f===== survival mode. I think you are unkind."

[LoisB]

Swell...Apparently, there were some conversations between D20 and my sis about my lack of a job last spring.

That really hurt.

And, I tried to maintain my own power throughout this conversation, but it really wavered right here. I felt punched in the stomach. My sister did this in Houston too when she approached D20 and asked if she wanted to live in Houston...without telling me.

In the meantime, it comes up that mom and sis talk daily and she doesn't understand why I don't talk to her.

I really try to explain. I say that it's hard because I know you don't get where I'm coming from.

That's when I was told that she has been through terrible things too.

IDK. I felt dismissed, judged, lesser than...I felt...and the girls did too...which I thought was strange. D20 was shaking and said after, I felt like we are completely alone in the world.

This is hard to sort through...mainly because it was really painful and it's hard for me to face. They said some terrible things...all with a smile on their face and they obviously feel that they are the better, more compassionate, loving, better people...and I am a bad mom.

[LoisB]

Then, they went after D20.

Told her that she was unkind too, too selfish, didn't have compassion for anyone but herself...

I don't get this. Why the week before a big interview?

I also noticed something. My sister has replaced me. I used to the person that talked to my mom daily. I don't now. My sister and my mom are a tight unit. I'm on the outs. I'm the screw up.