WAH - next chapter

[labug]

Haha Old Dog! Vegetarian for 31 years? That would be a funny 180 if you could choke down a juicy steak. But then again she might think you have gone absolutely bonkers!

Woke up last night in the middle of the night and had a thought: Do I even want to get back together? Can I ever trust him again? If so, is it worth the hard work? My gut feeling was no, it is impossible/too much work to trust again. Felt a bit sad and went back to sleep.

This morning while jogging had another random thought: I was the fun, interesting and fabulous one in the relationship. He was boring. Then I became boring too. Maybe I don't want him, I could do much better.

From past experiences I know these thoughts are deadly for the WAS. There comes a time when the LBS gets over the shock of rejection and realizes that they might be better off without the WAS. The tables turn and the LBS becomes the WAS. I wonder if that time is here for me, or if I'm simply having a good, strong day.

A good day is a good day and I am going to embrace it. Hope you all are having a good one too.
Hugs, Lisa B

Good for you! Let go of what the future might be and embrace today.

[LisaB]

Hi everyone! Thanks for your support today!
What a weird day. Started out all strong and positive and became confusing.

Tried to take the advice of pilot, Old Dog and cq1 and not reply to his texts. But it is hard! He texted me today "hi" and I did not reply. Then a few hours later texted about coming to get his things from my house, as expected. I needed to reply to that since it was logistical, so I did, very short: "yes, that's fine". But apparently when he came to get his things something went wrong (I was not home, on purpose) and he ended up calling and texting a bunch of times. I was out having a good time with friends and did not see the messages until later.

So he didn't pick up his things after all and wants to reschedule again.

I did not reply, I plan to do so tomorrow and tell him to come by when it is convenient for me, not him.

I feel weird about being so short and unfriendly with this. But at the same time, he is not being friendly either. It seems he bases his tone on mine, if I am friendly he is, and if not then he is all business too. Why should I always be the one to be nice first? I am getting quite frustrated and irritated.

Oh db-ers what to do? I am feeling so hopeless and disappointed. He is not the man I thought he was. He has let me down. I realize the things I loved him for were his trustworthiness, his kindness, his caring. And now that those things are shot to hell, what is there to love him for? I don't admire or love this person.

Hugs, Lisa B

[LisaB]

Oh crap. DB failure again.
When I got home he started messaging me about coming this week to pick up his things. I replied and told him this week would not work and we got into a texting conversation about that and some other trivial subjects.

I was very frustrated that he keeps planning to come by my house to pick up his things, and yet changes his plans nearly every time. My frustration came across through snippy texts, and he picked up on it and even commented about it, then stopped communicating.

My friends, I am not doing so well with all of this. The H I had for 4 years is gone and I don't know where he went. This new man is somewhat unpredictable and unreadable but he is not the H I had. This new person, I do not like him!

And I do not like how I feel and act around him. Even though I do not like this new arrogant person, I miss the old H and I want him back! And I think all this confusion is affecting my behavior so that I come across as some combination of needy, angry, relaxed and friendly. Quite a mess.

I was trying to take the NC advice of you all. I never reach out to him. But even in responding I seem to be having problems.

I just can't see any hope for his feelings to change. I feel very hopeless and confused. How did this happen and why can't I seem to turn it around? I really felt that there was still a spark of love inside him, why is he still denying it?

Just venting my friends. Hope everyone is having a good day!
Hugs, Lisa B

[SunnyB]

Lisa, I often feel the same way. I don't particularly like the "new" H, I just want my old life back. But then I realize that not only is that impossible, I don't really want that. Because where I was then led to where I am now. There has to be something new, either with H or with someone else. It's hard and uncomfortable. Wishing you a good day!

[labug]

Who do you want to be, Lisa?

Answering texts about logistics can be handled in a friendly neighbor kind of way.

caveat: I haven't read your whole thread.

[LisaB]

Hi labug! Yes that is true, we just ended up in an argument after the logistics. My fault, I got irritated about the whole thing and became a bit bitchy. And no, that is not who I want to be! Thanks for the reminder!

rppfl, you are so right. I wasn't happy before either. I don't want that back. Time to focus on the future!

H and I talked over chat today, he apologized for messing up and I apologized for being bitchy. Then we had a nice little chat about other things and made plans to meet for dinner later this week, possibly with some of our mutual friends as well. That will be interesting.

Along the lines of rppfl and labug's points, I have been thinking about what I want for myself and who I want to be in this situation. I am not so sure the true dark/ no contact is good for me. If I stay quiet and only respond in a neighborly or brief fashion, it is just not me. It just sounds bitchy when I do it. My way of talking to the neighbors is super outgoing and friendly. That's my personality.

Maybe neighborly NC is the best way for my H to miss me, but then it seems to leave us in a negative place. He senses I am being distant and maybe he misses me but he also thinks I am angry. Then he starts communicating with me in a guarded, scared and angry way too. That doesn't seem to be helping us on the way to getting back together.

Since DB is about doing what works, I'm going to try something slightly different this week and see where it takes me. If it fails, I will go back to a stronger NC.

This week I am going to try to be a fun, flirty friend. I am going to let my happy personality shine and showcase my 180s, my confidence and my independence in a positive way. I am also not going to pursue in any way. That means no contacting first, not responding right away (or at all), and not offering him help or asking to spend time together. Not talking too much and giving away all the mystery. Basically I want to portray myself as someone cool he would want to go on a date with. Someone open and friendly but not too eager or enthusiastic.

The challenge with this will be maintaining friendliness but not being too eager.

I'll give it a try and see how it goes. So far today it has been working, he is being very open and chatty. If I end up in the friend zone, I guess that is how it is.

I'll keep assessing and see how it is going, and change direction if needed. Wish me luck.

Hugs, Lisa B

[CaliGuy]

Lisa

Reading a bit of your sitch .. and keep in mind I am knee deep in the DB book, the thing I thought about was the fact like you said .. do what works. Butterfly effect, being snippy obviously makes your H return serve the same way ... refuse to get snippy, stay positive. Something I had a hard time with .. and at points still do ... the one thing I think goes unsaid is the fact we all have a good number of years with our WAS and they know exactly what buttons to push .. so I have made a concentrated effort to move/disable those buttons, in my mind I reprogrammed them, if she presses one I just tell myself .... 404 error device not found ... makes me laugh at the nerdiness of it all but does what I need it to do which is return me back to center.

Good luck on your progress!!

[Ss06]

I love the 404 error mentality, Caliguy! My struggle is with my immediate reactive response and before I've even thought about it, I've responded and reacted poorly. It feels instinctual but it's not. It's just a terrible habit!!

[LisaB]

CaliGuy Ss06 haha 404 error!

I'm not sure that my H knows how to push my buttons. We had such a low conflict relationship! But maybe he does and I don't even realize those are my buttons!

I'm excited to test out my new behavior this week and see how it goes. The hardest thing will be keeping my cool and not being too eager and pursuing, while still remaining upbeat, fun and friendly. I'm imagining him as some guy I just met who am not sure if I like yet.

Hugs, LisaB

[SunnyB]

have a good number of years with our WAS and they know exactly what buttons to push .. so I have made a concentrated effort to move/disable those buttons, in my mind I reprogrammed them, if she presses one I just tell myself .... 404 error device not found ... makes me laugh at the nerdiness of it all but does what I need it to do which is return me back to center.
!!

This is funny. Although we rarely fight one of my weak spots is a knee jerk reaction to H's razor sharp tongue. Just because he's nasty doesn't mean I have to be. It's an area I need to work on. Love the 404 error.