I love it too shining! Thanks for visiting :-) I've read some of your thread and it seems you and your H had a meaningful talk recently. nitty I like what Starsky said about keeping my standard as well. I have not read your thread yet. I hope you are doing ok in this crazy world. Thanks for coming by :-)
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I have a question. Should I bring up the 'one night stand' thing again and tell H it is not an option for me if we are moving back towards each other. Or wait until we talk again and see what he says? My gut tells me to do the latter...
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I agree, I would wait, if bring it up at all. Unless he brings the subject up again. I’m pretty sure he understands that one night stands are not going to fly if he wants to be with his family.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Thank you job, bright, Starsky and Matt! I really appreciate and value your responses and support. I will do just that- leave it alone.
((((((( job, bright, Starsky, Matt)))))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I have been reflecting on the talks I have had with H as of late ( we had another one four days ago). There has been some clarity and some more confusion.
My reflections based on what he has said and behavior:
He said he was thinking of going on a spiritual/ religious pilgrimage ( contrast to him also saying that thing about one night stands).
His big thing seems to be fear of moving too fast and not ready to be be a couple ( even though I have not mentioned or asked directly or indirectly about a ' couple' status).
He asked again what I meant when I asked if he would live like a married man. I said very bluntly ' having no physical or emotional affairs' he nodded in agreement.
He said he thought I was jumping too far in the future. That I expected him to act like a full on husband right now ( same bedroom, intimacy, etc) I said I was not ready either.
He said the way he understood what I was saying was that I was already in a place he was not. I told him what I meant was that we can't figure anything out, whether we go on a path together or not, unless we are working from the same place on equal footing. And any third parties involved in any capacity will not allow that natural development - wherever it may lead us. He said he understood and said ok.
We have come back to our country and he is staying at the house with us.when we landed I began to feel apprehension and some resentment. Resentment towards H for all the years I travelled alone with the kids and thoughts of the travels he did with ( still seems to be x) OW. I also was apprehensive about coming back to 'the past four years' in this country. I worked through it and realized that no matter what, it wasn't going to be the same. Not just because H, but rather because I am truly in a different and better place emotionally and mentally. I have moved forward from this - and while I still will have hard times, I feel like I have made it through some of the darkest times. I see my light now.
Before we came back, we went and visited my mom for a few days and he came along happily. He took me and my sister out one evening.
Yesterday was my son's bday and he was INVOLVED with the party and with our adult friends that came as well. After the kids slept, me, him, and our pre MLC best friends ( a husband and wife) stayed and we had drinks.
He is still maintaining a sense of his 'independence'. he made plans tonight to see his buddy and only told me when he was ready to leave. So there is no communication or talk of what he is doing. It feels like he needs to keep that sense of being in control, we are not a couple thing. He did say 'busting, I am leaving now and I will see you later'. Progress.
I bought refillable water bottles for the whole family (actually last year I bought just for me and the kids). This year I bought four. And when son asked for water, H said ' here use mine...if it is mine that is...' I said yes, it is.
Son got a phone for his birthday and H gave him a phone chip that was an old work number of H's. I said to H ' will that be ok? What if son gets weird phone calls?' H took this to mean I was talking about (still seems to be x)OW. He got very defensive ( I know what I am doing, etcetera !) and immediately I said, no, wait, you have misunderstood. I meant weird WORK phone calls. He deflated immediately and said , 'oh, ok. It should be fine. Haven't used the number for years'.
It did make me see he is feeling very raw about (still seems to be x) OW talk or implied talk, or potential talk. I take it that this is guilt? Not ready to face it? Etc.
Overall it's the FEELING I have that is different. A big change has occurred and I can feel it in my gut. I am not saying that this trip is over. Not at all. But there has been a release of some sort. I can't explain it. It's calm. I feel less turmoil less haunted by this all.
I am very aware this is a delicate time. If this is going to move forward I am sure there are difficult times ahead.
Xxx
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I didn't realize how much time has passed since I last posted. School started three weeks ago and it's just been full on as bother a teacher and a parent! All is good with me and the kids. I waned to let out some thoughts about H.
I am scared. Really and I didn't expect it. I am not afraid of being alone (anymore) I am afraid to trust my H whether we R or not.
I have adapted the upbeat and cheery role prescribed from the start so well that it has become a part of me especially with H. I can stop borrowing trouble from the future, I am a whiz at making the scared little girl inside be quiet and I can strap on my big girl pants in a flash. I know how and I have used these tools so consistently it is effortless now.
Yet- I feel like I am in a whole new place now. H travelled back to Dubai for work 2.5 weeks ago. We speak frequently on the phone and have exchanged so light hearted and fun texts. Nothing intimate nothing romantic nothing reassuring. His guard is still up. However - He tells me to take care when we hang up. (Wow it's so nice to hear that) and one time before I realized what I said, (i said we miss you so much!) he said 'I do too'. That one had me on cloud nine for awhile. He also asks how I am- and sometimes we share our days - not erg a lot of detail, but shared.
So- I stay positive and hopeful. I sometimes force myself to trust him even when I don't quite yet. I wonder if he is really up for this I wonder if I will ever feel safe with him- or anyone else for that matter. I wonder if he will really ever care about what happened. I wonder when my feelings will matter to him- if ever. Lots of what ifs.
I know that's all in a future that may or may not exist. I don't know what's meant to be. So I comfort myself in knowing that I don't have to be scared because I won't settle for anything less than being appreciated, respected, cared for and loved. I won't select for anything less than an authentic relationship built in trust.
I also try and be honest with him without pushing him away. I am pretty sure he thinks my upbeat and cheery perspective is because I think me and him are 'fixed'. I made it clear to him that this is just who I am - I am not living in the future nor do I think we are R am all is well.
Anyway- I realize he doesn't really know me anymore. Maybe that will change one day who knows.
So that's all for now. He should be back in two more weeks. I have a party to go to tonight so I am gonna think about what to wear ..! Lol
Xxx
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
busting, I'm glad you came back and posted an update. How do the kids like school thus far? Plenty of homework?
Busting, what you are feeling right now about trusting your h is very normal. He's got to earn your trust and the only way to do that is to be open and honest about what he's doing w/his life (all aspects) and it sounds like he's not completely there yet.
From what you posted, he's still not fully baked and he's got a ways to go, but things are progressing slowly, but surely. Dig deeper for patience and allow him to continue to come to you. I know you want him back in your life as your h, but he's not there yet. Dig deeper for patience and continue to think positive.
I think you are doing well. Keep the focus on you and your children. Enjoy your party this evening.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
