WAH - next chapter

[u-turn]

LisaB
I feel the same way when trying to detach. Boy - this doesn't seem like I am doing anything.

I try to leave the room shortly after she comes in to just sit so it doesn't appear that I am waiting or pursuing. I don't know if this seems cold or childish to her.

But we still have conversations about whatever she wants to talk about at the time (usually work or some logistical thing). So I don't know always if I'm detaching enough.

[LisaB]

Hi u-turn, yeah detaching is rough, isn't it.

Weekends are the toughest for me. I feel so sad imagining H out with some gorgeous girl enjoying the sunshine and having a grand time. I guess when I know he is at work all day during the week it takes away some of my uncertainty about what he is up to. And on the weekends I just have no idea. Also he rarely contacts me on the weekend. I don't know why.

Feeling low lately, I think because I haven't heard from him in 2-3 days. That always brings sad and uncertain feelings, it seems I rehash the rejection over and over - OW, ILYBNILWY, all the bad stuff just replays in my mind.

Sometimes I think I just have to get some good depressed moments and crying in so that it can pass again.

Trying to stay strong and have the long view.

Hope everyone has a good weekend.
Hugs, Lisa B

[Old Dog]

I've just been half way up a massive tree/bush in the garden hacking it down to size when I was overcome. It was a good job there was no one around.

I worked myself into a state last night imagining W was having or about to have an EA as she's gone to the football today and as a result I'm now so tired due to lack of sleep and crying up a tree.

Old Dog xx

[LisaB]

Hi Old Dog, half way up a tree doesn't sound like a safe place to have a breakdown but I sure can understand. Stay strong!

Last time we talked WAH said that thing have been hard for him, he "is not out just happily having a great time" and he is sad. I try to remember that when I imagine him out happily having a great time.

One thing I guess I don't really get is WHY isn't he happy and having a great time if he is so convinced he doesn't love me and our R is over?

When I dumped boyfriends in the past I wasn't sad for months.. I was fine, felt guilty but that was it! I don't get this. Not that I'm complaining. I want him to be sad, broken, depressed and miserable! As miserable without me as possible!

At the same time I know he struggles with being alone so maybe that is why he is so sad.

Hugs,
LisaB

[pilot]

Lisa,

As for how to respond to his friendly texts, ask yourself what works. When you go NC for a bit, he texts you. When you reply friendly, he backs off again right? I would stay distant for a while. Even if he is texting friendly. He just wants to test to see if you are still around. When he knows you are, he is off again. I am not saying ignore pertinent texts regarding finances, kids, etc. But simple texts that do not NEED a reply, I would just ignore. Make him start to wonder. Because right now, I am sure he does not if you are replying in friendly texts.

Just my opinion...

[LisaB]

Thanks pilot! I love it. I will test it out and see if it works. I have tried waiting 12 hours or so to reply, that seems to work pretty well. The thing I want to be careful about is seeming angry, as that makes him think I am soooo in love and upset that I can't handle it. And I think that feeds into his egotistical idea that he doesn't love me but I love him. So I try to be cool, but not seem angry. Does that make sense?

Thanks so much for the tip! I will try it!
Hugs, LisaB

[cq1]

Lisa Dear, remember your boundaries. Be strong with them and yes, I agree with Pilot on the NC technique. Let him chase you! PMA all the way.

[LisaB]

Thanks cq1, how are you doing? I've been checking your thread and it sounds like you have a complicated but improving situation! I'm wishing you luck!

I'll experiment with not responding at all to his contact. I think the next time I hear from him will be to come get his things from the house however and I suppose I will need to reply for practical reasons. But maybe not, we shall see.

Thanks for your advice cq and pilot!
Hugs,
Lisa B

[pilot]

Lisa,

When you do have contact with him, that is why it is important to be super happy, friendly, PMA, etc. So he does not think you are being NC out of anger or sadness. So the few times you have to have contact during NC, be that happy chipper self. Then go NC. It will make him wonder. It works!

[LisaB]

Thanks pilot. I looked back at our communication over the past month or so. 98% of the time he contacted me first. I replied most of the time, sometimes after many hours, sometimes with one word simple replies like "ok" or "thanks".

You may be right that when I do not respond or when I respond very "distantly" like with one word, it makes him think. It never seemed to have an effect one way or the other on what happened next with the future communication. But I can't see much of a pattern in our communication other than he contacts me first almost all the time. (on purpose on my part as I try to maintain NC)

When we met up last week he did mention something about when you send someone a text and don't hear back right away it makes you anxious and it is like an addiction. He was talking about an old ex girlfriend at the time but I'm not 100% sure he was talking about her, it was vague and a tangent. Maybe he was talking about our text communication, I don't know and I didn't ask at the time.

I will strive to at least be more short/distant in our communication the next few times and see what happens. Thanks so much for the tip guys!

The weekends suck. My imagination runs wild as far as what he is doing and who he is with. I guess a tiny consolation is that he might be thinking the same about me. But I have no idea.

Hugs, Lisa