For better or for worse, for richer or for PORES?

[Matt165]

Hi Raine,
Your past posts were one of the first things I read when I got here. Thanks for all the insight!

I would like to ask why it was that he was so afraid of being rejected by YOU when HE was the one to leave? He must have known that you wanted a R with him if you allowed him back into the home and your life. Sure there was guilt over his ending the M by his choice, but he also was allowed back which must show that you wanted him, right?

I can't imagine that my W wouldn't think I wanted our M back if she asked and I allowed her to move back in. I just don't understand why they would feel so much fear of rejection?

[beatrice]

Matt, this is a question for Raine - but fwiw I think that FEAR does drive the crazy train. MLCers are much more fearful than I ever suspected.

[Mighty]

Whew! What an emotional thread.

Raine, thanks for answering my question, and sorry for the hijack, Shining. You know, this may seem ironic, Raine, but that response told a beautiful story. That's amazing. Thank you for sharing.

Shining- you are a pro at this! Good for you. You aren't getting too ahead of yourself and doing so well. I am sure it would be very easy to get carried away. DB really teaches self control! Keep it up. My thoughts are with you.

[AJM]

I would like to ask why it was that he was so afraid of being rejected by YOU when HE was the one to leave?

Raine's comments would be nice to hear, but I agree with Bea. The guilt, the fear, the..feeling they don't deserve you.

Here you are, offering yourself and an olive branch (so you think and intend) and they are worried that you can't forgive them. Why? Likely because they have yet to forgive themselves. This is in them, so your actions are not seen the same way you see them nor intend them. They are filtered by the fear and loathing.

AJ

[beatrice]

Yes, we can't know what is in their minds, but that makes perfect sense.

[Atsbaby]

Shining, I'm so happy things are progressing in a positive way! And you are absolutely right by taking it slow and having no expectations. Keep working on you and bringing him closer. Your story gives us other lbs hope

[Shining]

This is the text conversation from Friday. Some insight to H current state:


Friday 8:00am

H: I have a question for you to answer later.

M: Ok:-).

H: You know all we have been through. Things happened that can't be undone, Things were said that can't be unsaid. Leaving little room for any reconciliation. We both miss what we once had. We also can't have what we had. Right?

M: Right. Not the way it was. I agree, we both miss what we had, I miss being with you. There are definitely ways to create a new and better relationship. We would just need to both want to do it.

H: Same. What expectations do you have right now?
You can wait and think about that

M: I don't know that I have expectations at the moment. I'm concentrating on my life, and the kids. I don't know where you're at and what you want, and it seems you need time and space to figure that out. There were things I wish I never said and never did. I'm so sorry for not being the wife you needed me to be back then. Whether you will forgive me or not, I have to choose to be happy, with or without you. I want to be in a relationship, and I don't want to live the rest of my life alone. While I don't have expectations, I do know exactly what I want. I want you.

H: Thank you for that

M: You're welcome. What about you?

H: I am torn. Probably same as you

M: Nothing needs to be decided immediately. We both have things to figure out. I know there are things that you need to work through on your own. But I will be here for you and not judge you if you ever need to talk. Like I said earlier tho, I'm enjoying being with you very much.

H: Right. I have things to sort out and work through. I really really enjoyed our sexy time. I also know that is just a piece of a relationship. That was the purpose of my question. What if we don't/can't have a relationship?

M: I'm proud of you for recognizing that you have things to sort out and work through. I enjoyed our sexy time, too. I don't think right now we are ready to work on a relationship. Maybe we just take things really slow?

H: That's what I wanted to hear.

[AJM]

You are one awesome lady, Shining.


AJ

[Matt165]

Wow, Shining,
Perfect answers. No pressure, no remorse, no judgement. Also, affirmations, validation and showing that you can live your life on your own if need be. Good work. I really hope things get better you for. We all could use some positive news here on the board!

[Shining]

So, as predicted, H has been dark ever since. And I'm perfectly ok with this. H needs time to process, keep running, try more stupid stuff, act like a maniac, think, not think.....who knows. The darkness now, is not personal to me, and not viewed as a real setback. H could run away and never return and I would deal with that if it happened. Not going to waste energy worrying about "what if's". It's just part of the bigger process. No guarantees....but I believe there is hope.

Late last night, I received a text from H D19. There was definitely drama with H and his S20. S20 is angry and resentful of H. H in a hurry to be on his own, move to apartment, and have house sold, but S20 has a CDL class for 4 weeks and won't be able to work much during that time and save to move out. H says this is why S20 should have been saving every penny sooner since he has lived here now for 3 1/2 years and has no money to show for it....
(interestingly, H now saying exactly what I said a year ago to H but this was why I was the bad guy for bringing up the fact that S20 was not moving forward in life and content to play video games all day but oh well....not my circus, not my monkeys. ). <<<<also, this was one of the excuses H said he wanted to split up, that I was "an angry person", "didn't accept H S20" and I was "against S20". The partial truths are, I didn't like S20 behaviors toward my kids and saw no signs of progress toward becoming independent. H translated that into non-acceptance of H S20 and painted quite an evil picture of me to MC pre-BD and I believed I was a horrible human being.

S20 was complaining in a text about H not being there, and when he is, h just goes into his room with ow. Then made comments about how disgusting h behavior and sick r it is with ow. S20 and D19 hate ow, and hate what their dad has become....S20 pointed out that "At least when "mom" (me) was here, you gave a $h!t about us (S20 and D19), but ever since you found ow, you forgot about us and started getting sloppy, not feeding dog, leaving doors unlocked, garage door open, trash not taken care of, it's as if this stranger that has welcomed herself into the home we barely have is all you give a $h!t about, and we resent you for that. You need help. Do whatever you want with this information. And that, my dear father, is why I smoke. Because of the stress and anger I have to put up with everyday from the moment I wake up." D19 sent me screenshots of conversation between H and his S20. Very sad.

Details aside, yes, 2 adult kids can take care of the household duties for living there, for sure. But the sad truth of watching your dad become an alien from who he was, be so irresponsible and act like a teenager, has to be so traumatic for them.

BUT!

I'm focused on GAL! Busy weekend! Lots to do with cleaning, kids activities, and it's a beautiful day!

Going to play some music and hope my neighbors don't complain:).