WAH - next chapter

[LisaB]

Hi watto14, Ss06 and pilot, thanks so much for checking in on my story!

Indeed I think NC and PMA and all that are my best friends. And yes, Ss06, I completely struggle with detaching, but I am working on it. I tell myself over and over that you can't control another person and we are all "free" but sometimes it is just words and sometimes I can actually feel and embrace it.

Ss06 I am going to come check in on your thread to talk about the LL etc! We definitely have some things in common.

There has been a small movement in the past day. I have been completely NC for 4-5 days and last night I got a cold text from H about practical matters. I chose to go with what I said in my letter and just act as if I had moved on, accepted the situation and was no longer upset. So instead of being b!tchy in reply to his message, I was practical and brief but friendly and polite, which lead him to ask how I was and if I was "still mad". I acted breezy and said I was doing great and not mad. He then asked why I was no longer angry to which I replied that I had "let it go".

He then wanted to talk R stuff, asking me what I had thought of his letter. (the letter was about how the R was done and how he recognized and was sorry for his actions) I sure as h#ll didn't want to get into that over text so I just said it was nice he wrote such a thoughtful email.

He probed for more, asking if his letter had changed the way I saw the situation. I said I was sleepy and we'd talk later, and ended the conversation in a friendly way.

Any thoughts on this from you all, my friends?

I felt good about how I handled it. I think he has not been contacting me for the last few days because he was afraid I was furious after our conversation last week.

Not sure what steps to take from here other than more of the same NC, GAL, PMA, 180s.

It's so great to have this forum. My friends IRL are all completely against working on the M and say he is a jerk and don't be polite to him and all that. At this point it is getting a bit difficult to talk to them about it. I understand that, they are just trying to protect me. And sometimes I wonder if I am just in denial and they are right.

If anyone has insights, I'd be happy to hear them!

Hope everyone is having a good one.
Hugs, Lisa B

[Elsa]

I just went back and read your post where you described the letter he sent to you. You said you felt like he was saying that he was done -- did he say that explicitly or could you have been mindreading? The fact that he reached out for a reaction to his letter suggests me that he is not done. In my mind, as long as he cares about how you're feeling, the door is open, at least a little bit, even if he doesn't realize it.

I'm even newer at this than you are, though. It is hard because my WAH is a "nice guy" and I wonder sometimes how much of our positive interactions stem from guilt on his part rather than love or a genuine desire to reconcile. But, regardless of the intention, the interaction itself gives me an opportunity to build trust and keeps the door open.

[watto14]

For what it worth, and I'm no expert, I think your h is still trying to get a reaction out of you, and not necessarily in a bad way, if he was truly 'done' ( and boy doesn't that sting!) why would he care how you felt or if you were still mad? I think you handled it beautifully, you were light, breezy and non committal, especially liked the bit about being sleepy so you didn't have to give an answer!
I think keep doing what your doing, use the forum, I completely understand, everyone in my life thinks I'm crazy to want to start m to my h, everyone is saying he's an a#hole buy I still see glimmers of h, underneath it all.
I think you will know where your line in the sand is, I keep getting asked that and I say honestly that I don't know yet but I will know when it's time.
Keep smiling lisa, you've got this

[LisaB]

Hi Elsa and watto! Thanks for your replies.

Elsa, he has said he is sure he is done many times, and also in the letter he explicitly said it was over I think as a way to justify feelings for OW. He also said he is confused, though about what I don't know.
I do think he truly feels it is done and I guess I agree anyway. As they say, the old R is over but there is a chance to build a new one. The old one was broken.
Elsa, my H is also a "nice guy". Or was. That does add an element of confusion, doesn't it?

Watto I agree that if he really was over me, why would he 1. take the time to listen to me rant for hours 2. care to send me a letter explaining himself and 3. care what I thought of the letter. After all, I didn't ask what he thought of my letter!

My gut says he doesn't feel that "in love" feeling (his main complaint) and therefore is "done" but that the feeling can come back under the right conditions. My guess is that those conditions are me moving on and being unavailable to him. The classic scenario of wanting what you can't have and the feeling of having plenty of space. I can't rush my moving on but I can make the conditions seem as close to that as possible, I suppose.

I should add that in the same conversation he also asked how my date went the other night...? When he asked me to help him move last week I had replied that I had a date at that time so I couldn't help him (was true). I was very angry at the moment and wanted to be a jerk. He had replied that he also had a date at the same time. Weird.
When he asked how it went I deflected and said "haha do you really want to know?" He said to just tell him if it was good or bad, and I laughed it off and said nothing. What a weird thing. Did he want to tell me all about his date? Did he want to test me? Was it bothering him that I was on a date? Who knows. Weirdness.

This whole thing is confusing. I guess at least the one thing I know I should do is NC and that is basically doing nothing so at least it is easy!

Hugs to all,
Lisa

[Ss06]

Lisa I just want to say that you're are handling yourself with dignity and grace at every turn and it's inspiring.m keep it up. This isn't easy but I think every step you're taking is founded in strength and purpose. I
How are you doing that? Is it a fake-it-till-you-make-it mentality are are you feeling like you're coming into your own now? I'd love to hear your internal dialogue when challenging things come up, like h wanting to know what you thought of his letter or asking about your date.

Keep up whatever you're doing. You're lighting my path. I want you to know that.

Thank you!

[watto14]

Hey lisa, you're doing so well, never forget that! my h is a ' nice guy' as well, so I get the confusion your going through, I am learning patience is key, something I'm terrible at.asking about your date imo, is him checking where you're at, have you moved on, I don't think at this point he really wants you to, again why ask if he's truly done, it would be of no matter to him.ill add more later...hope you have a great day

[Joe1981]

Lisa, I'm glad others finally started chiming in. I was out of useful advice, and was at the point of posting on your thread to try and keep it near the top so there would see it. Glad that worked. Keep being strong.

[LisaB]

Hi Ss06, Joe1981 and watto14 - wow that is a lot of numbers!
Thanks so much for your support! I really appreciate it.

I'm breathing a small sigh of relief as my H seems to be back to friendly random texting again.

I am a bit unsure exactly how to handle it.
Do I be friendly in return? Do I be distant? Will he be able to miss me if I respond to his texts in a friendly way?

I am torn between being friendly and being distant. I want to create a bit of mystery but not seem angry. This mystery building is not my thing! So far I try to create mystery by:
- never contacting first
- not replying right away
- ending the conversation first if possible
- being cool and upbeat, always seeming busy and fun and happy
- avoiding "hot topics" with humor

Anyone have tips for seeming independent and mysterious without being mean and cold?

Oh and Ss06 I think the above might answer your question, it is half fake it and half real.

Hope everyone is having a good one!
Hugs, Lisa B

[Joe1981]

Think you can be friendly and distant? Like be kind, cheerful, maybe even engaging, w/out trying to close the space between you?

[LisaB]

Hi Joe, yes, that is what I am trying to do but I wonder if it is a fine line between being friendly and being predictable, boring and always there...