"Was never in love" part deux

[25yearsmlc]

will do sometime in the next few days, as time permits.

[Mat]

Hi OD,

On the coach, basically the phone charges should not be a factor: For instance, you can go on telestunt[.]co[.]uk, like I do. I use a Virgin Media landline, and a 55 minute phone call costs me about £2.50. I am sure there are other services. As for the fee itself, I booked a three-session package in mid-July, and my credit card bill worked out £225. So £75 a session, which is competitive with central london counselling rates, perhaps not the outskirts though. Can't complain, but paired with GAL, including a personal trainer (£35 a session), kickboxing (£45/month), I think I am definitely starting to look for ways to care for myself that are free. Walks in the woods are way underrated .

As for the session itself, what you have to remember is that you won't find magic bullets in the sense of knowledge that's not already in the books. Just like in football, every play and strategy has been written down somewhere, but a coach is someone that is used to applying them in many situations, and can observe good and bad patterns in how people handle their situations, and help them correct the course. That's where the insights come from, and they are invaluable. I'd also encourage you to ask your coach to read your thread after the first session, or prepare yourself to summarise your situation with all the relevant details. So re-read your thread before the session.

So here are a high-level summary of my notes;

- WAW is still in a funny phase (not to say "crazy" as it's pejorative), so I can't take what she's doing personally. She's in a bad place, and it's not likely that her seeing this guy again will last.
- I didn't do that bad overall. W does think about what I say. We identified several points she made that show she has been processing what I've been telling her in previous conversations. That was very helpful in calming me down.
- We talked about the impact on me of what she's doing; I need to step back and decide if this is something I accept. How will I deal with this if she do try to give it another shot?
- Do not initiate contact for a month, at least, and have another session before you do. If she does call or text, buy some time and don't say yes right away. It's not a good idea to pretend like her dating is OK with me. It's not about manipulating the other person, but actions need to be consistent with feelings.
- Ways to avoid falling into R talk. The problem I had was that I didn't talk about my feelings. So how to demonstrate this behaviour, but without talking about R? So we went through examples of topics that can show progress I'm making connecting with my own emotions.
- If I feel I'm getting pushed to talk about R, or she drops a bomb, just say that I need time to process this.
- Responding to accusation that I am "manipulating" her. This is the most frustrating one. But I have to acknowledge it may feel this way to her, but I am just working to change myself and be happier, and be a better mate.

I think that sums it up. It was very good for the insight, the confirmation and the validation. I recommend it personally...

Hope this helps.

[Mat]

Good question OD - on "something else"

Her "something else": making her feel desired, beautiful, romanced, loved. staying us til the wee hours talking ourselves, our feelings. Basically something a bit more like the movies, but applied to real life.

Mine: a bit of the same thing. Spontaneous affection, random hugs, more sexuality. The occasional intellectual debate - not arguing, just working through random ideas that don't matter, just for fun. Only occasionally, as I don't need a wife to do this, but as a shared interest. Committing to something we enjoy doing together... Feeling like a man around her, protective, strong. Which is something I need to work on myself.

[Old Dog]

Thanks for the report Mat. Very useful.

I'd already decided to write a summary for my own purposes: I've got that many pieces of paper with scribbled lists, thoughts and ideas on. I went out and bought a notebook this morning, so everything from now on will go in there ... and some of it on here of course.

You and me both re "something else".

Man alive today has been a bad one, been though I kept busy.