Yea, Mat. Sorry your night went as it did. I agree, do NOT send that email, ever. Not as it is written at least. I am positive some vets will chime in and concur. I know you probably feel as there are a million ways you could have restated something, or said something different, and you probably feel that if somehow you could get your point across the way you wanted, it would make a difference. It will not. Remember, there is nothing you can say to change her mind. Actions are what work.
So hold off on the email for a bit buddy. I know it stinks, but when your emotions ease up a bit you will be glad you did not send it.
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
Thanks Pilot. I'll hold off. But I still need to tackle the problem that I was trying to address, albeit inadequately, with this email. She doesn't believe that I am speaking with my own voice.
And that's probably why Sandi advises to never quote the book. I get it. But I can't seem to avoid sliding into these conversations. Maybe my 180 should have been to get up and leave when she disclosed she's seeing him again, but how does that make things better? I don't know.
Other problem is showing that I am more connected with my emotions, and that I could provide a fertile ground for planting the seeds of a new relationship. But I can't evidence any of this in the new situation...
Anyway I'll keep thinking.
M:37 W:38 No kids Together since 2006, Married since 2010 EA discovered 06/07/2014 W moved out 06/08/2014
Really sorry to hear about this Mat. Although I love the email, Pilot is right. Don't send it. Just as she wasn't in a position to 'hear' it yesterday, she's won't 'read' it today either.
Do go and grab a vet from another thread though.
Old Dog xx
M: 57 / EW: 52 T: 21, M: 8 S: 18, S: 15 Bomb: 1 Jun 14 EA Aug 2014 I think PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
Hi Mat, Sorry to hear about your bad meeting. I had one too this weekend so I can really feel your pain.
Hold off on that email. Give it a little time, you can always say that stuff a bit later if you need to. For now, just focus on making yourself feel better, detaching a bit. I say this as advice I am giving myself at the moment.
It sounds to me like your W wants you to open up and be more emotional with her, but good emotions. It's confusing because she is pushing you away at the same time. So telling her how much you love her is clingy. That is a difficult place.
Maybe next time you meet or speak you can somehow express to her how much you cared for her and be a bit emotional without talking about the current situation? Something like "I'm regretful that in the past I did not express to you ..." instead of "I love you soooo much!" But maybe I am off the mark. Just a thought.
Do you know what this OM is giving her that she didn't get from you? Is he very emotional and open with his feelings?
Good luck and let's hope we can both erase the pain of this last crappy meeting and get to a better place soon. Hugs, LisaB
Me: 34 H: 30 M: 4 years BD: 6/15/14 He moved out 6/30/14 OW1: EA then PA after BD Now he's dating multiple OWs I'm over it and moving on.
Hi Mat, It sounds to me like your W wants you to open up and be more emotional with her, but good emotions. It's confusing because she is pushing you away at the same time. So telling her how much you love her is clingy. That is a difficult place.
Yep - hit that one on the head! She was actually trying to get me to be mad at her I feel. I am not sure that in her mind, this would help anything. I think she is pretty steadfast that she wants out. Frustrating because I don't think she's reflected much. Going back to OM is just the same old pattern that led us to this position; do what's comfortable, easy, immediately gratifying, without putting in any work. We both realise it. And I at least intend to do something to grow out of it. I made that point, must have come across as moralising.
Originally Posted By: LisaB
Maybe next time you meet or speak you can somehow express to her how much you cared for her and be a bit emotional without talking about the current situation? Something like "I'm regretful that in the past I did not express to you ..." instead of "I love you soooo much!" But maybe I am off the mark. Just a thought.
I think you are right, but I did say that (didn't mention in my long tirade yesterday). Her comeback is that it's not about me, it's about us and how neither of us is sufficiently in touch with our emotions to properly come together. Frustrating, because it seems her only regret is that she made me sad by leaving me. It's like she either dismisses my points, or just makes excuses.
Originally Posted By: LisaB
Do you know what this OM is giving her that she didn't get from you? Is he very emotional and open with his feelings?
Well, as much as I am closed off, this guy is sirupy as anyone you'd meet, from the sound of it. He's the whole bottle of aunt jemima. Confession time. I couldn't help a snarky remark. I simply said that I didn't rate that guy much, talking to her about Jesus and singing songs while he knows he's breaking a marriage. I won't say it ever again. The nicest guy, the darker the secret sometimes. He's a sinister btard in my book. There. No need to bring that up again.
Thanks a lot Lisa. You ask good questions! I was missing some detail even though I wrote War and Peace.
It may come across from my responses that I am delusional. Feel feel to 2x4 me in the face if that's the case!
Mat
M:37 W:38 No kids Together since 2006, Married since 2010 EA discovered 06/07/2014 W moved out 06/08/2014
We all back slide, my huge back slide I quoted, "give me something to loose! "
Pathetic at best. I hang up and sobbed my heart out. And then texted the door is closed. You want it open you open it, just the make sure there was no doubt how retarded I was.
And you know what, he ain't bothered to open the door. Period.
Tough one really.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Ugh, backsliding is the worst isn't it Mat & Ggrass? I am really down on myself for my big blowout backslide this weekend. But what's done is done and we all just have to move on I guess?
Mat, I don't blame you at all for getting one in there about the OM. Sounds like the worst kind of person, a fake. At least be a disgusting sleezeball on the outside, don't pretend to be a nice religious man and be an axxhole for real. Ugh. That was a bit of my problem too with the OW, she pretended to be my good friend! If you're gonna steal my man, why pretend to be my friend, b!tch?
Rant over... for now.
Hugs, LisaB
Me: 34 H: 30 M: 4 years BD: 6/15/14 He moved out 6/30/14 OW1: EA then PA after BD Now he's dating multiple OWs I'm over it and moving on.
I think that why the vets always say doing nothing is an action.
Don't do it, as once done its too bloody hard to fix and your certainly not wining any points. You can always do something tomorrow next week next month or next year.
Sit patently.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Mat, I think you found yourself in a situation for which there was no good out and you handled it as best you could. At the end of the day we DO want to hear from our spouses and to stop it cold and walk away just feels wrong. I think calling a coach is a great next step and I'm looking forward to seeing where you go from there.
Best to you!
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
