New guy ... My Story

[CaliGuy]

Had the S make the call to WAW as is the normal, we always have it on speaker ... she said she had just got home from the dinner, sounded a bit tired but at peace. Asked S about his day and he told her what we did and she sounded happy. I am actually a really good father ... one of the things I have never had an issue with so thats always been something I can hang my hat on. Family is important to her and I know if there is a shot for us working through this .. that may be the lighthouse in the storm, now just to try to clear up the weather I have control over and avoid hitting the rocks.

Nervous about tomorrow morning ... just hope for a positive ... been so deflated since Thursday ... we did however plan a movie as a family on Saturday and I invited her to church that evening ... she was not clear on if she accepted so as I have read I just let it go .. if she goes great .. if not ... nothing I can do I will go as planned.

[CaliGuy]

So I woke up early this morning, just one of those mornings I was up and ready to go 30 minutes earlier than normal. I dressed for work, a little more so than normal just to feel good. I woke up S and got him ready, combed his hair and had him all set to go early. Drove to W place ... she noticed right off he was happy and chipper (We were goofing on the way) commented his hair looked good , also commented that I was dressed up and asked if I had a meeting up north, I told her no, she also noticed the necklace I bought my son .. (Was a cross I picked up last night at the Christian book store, just happened to be next to the restaurant we had dinner at) I have been wearing the same one for a few months and she thought I gave it to him but S informed her we both have one now ... you know little boys .. anything to be like Dad is a plus. SO I took that to make an exit, and told her I would let them two go, she dropped the clothes I gave her and gave me a hug, not a great one ... so I told her have a good day and a soft kiss on her forehead and left. The kiss on the forehead may be perceived as pursuing but for me its a way to show her I care about her (staying out of the friend zone), without saying it ... just felt right and was innocent enough ... not like I went in for a real kiss. She seemed like she was in a good mood, and I was happy I did not do anything to alter that ... small positive, baby steps.

[Eatsma]

Glad you feel like it was a positive morning!

Try to keep your expectations down.

[25yearsmlc]

Today so far was a good day, finished up my motorcylce course, felt good to get out of my shell a bit. W texted me a pic of our S I replied back with a positive about our son ... I continued with my GAL attempts .. ran some errands and am currently doing doing laundry and cooking. Fighting the urge to text her, I did find the 5LL online and can kindle it so I loaded that up and will start to read it today.
She just texted some more about our son, I am not sure how to take this ... I am concerned about being friend zoned ... I have not replied as of yet. Might wait till I am finished with the things I need to get done today.

2 things.

First, GAL is crucial. You cannot detach without GAL --and you cannot protect your heart or even function well, without some detachment.

PLUS GAL is needed to help you not be so co-dependent.

But you counted GAL as doing laundry and cleaning, and it's really NOT. That is housework, and doing that means you got off the couch. I mean, that's needed, but it's NOT GAL.

I'll give you some ideas about what GAL is, (like getting OUT of your comfort zone, pursuing something you always wanted to do, meeting NEW people and or reconnecting with old friends, doing a NEW activity, going somewhere, learning something new or exploring something new, etc.....and it's all for YOU and your spouse need not even know about it ---but if you are enjoying yourself, that will show from the inside.

And chances are your spouse will learn of the GAL indirectly, or by asking where you were sometime and you can be vague but once she hears you were "out dancing" or "at a Spanish class working on my degree", she WILL take note.

But again it's for YOU. NOT for her and not as a tactic, but to have that sense of good living, within you. Once there, it radiates outward and that happens to be attractive.

If it helps your r to reconcile, that's great. If not, (we know GAL does not hurt your r), then you'll still be way better off than if you had not GAL so it's a Win Win.

Secondly, seems you are noticing positives in the interactions... so now you want to STOP those? Why?

You think BECAUSE there are positives, you must be in the "friend zone"? You are not understanding the friend zone then.

Do NOT worry about that anyhow, at this point. Right now you need to HAVE some decent, non explosive non escalating interactions - and a whole lot of them for a long time ----BEFORE you worry about being in the "friends only" zone.

And fwiw, my DB coach said when h reached out to me, to "listen like a lover" which meant to validate, support, LISTEN, applaud loudly for the 1% of positives, (very hard at times but also, very effective), and this can be done without pursuit.

She said "do not to cut him off".

OKAY NOW Sure, if he'd talked to me ABOUT an OW, that would be so wildly inappropriate, that it would be immediate friend zone and I'd have cut it off -- b/c it's cruel and insensitive.

But your w is simply sending you kid related pics and texts, right? Maybe a joke or neutral comment now and then? Okay, so Build on that. Don't blow it or confuse friendly interactions with something bad or think "she's taking advantage of me". That's nonsense.

Build on pleasant interactions - without increasing YOUR expectations. Do Not stop the pleasant interactions.

Sure, Go ahead and be a bit less available if you want to appear to be GAL, but don't worry about friend zoning at this point. IMO, It's very premature to worry about.

RE GAL:

IMO Solo activities are generally not true GAL, other than those for your health...For instance, a lot of folks think taking a walk is GAL, whereas it's really just a healthy way of letting off steam. It's a good thing to be sure, but it's not really GAL in my book.

Working out is great, but is it GAL? IT's taking care of yourself and is a must in my book. But true GAL? I don't want to quibble, but it's just not a real 180 GAL in my book. Then again, for some maybe any exercise is such a 180 that it is a GAL...

Some of this is my opinion obviously, but you can double check in the DR/DB books about her suggestions.

I define GAL generally, as exploring/learning/doing/meeting/going

to a NEW place/topic/place/people.....= GAL.



For GAL suggestions, let me mention some of what I did when we lived in the interior of Alaska, (where temperatures are at their most extreme) even in the winter.

And btw, I had 3 kids including a newborn baby (so you know I don't want to hear about how you are 'too busy' to GAL).

Inertia is the greatest enemy to GAL. Overcome that, & you'll be well on your way to a happier more fulfilling life.

IMO, the more you overcome inertia, the better your R's will be with all people, including your w.

I volunteered at a battered women's shelter.

I coached a girl's softball team, two summers (my older D was on it).
I was on the board of directors for Wrestling, (our son wrestled). Both activities helped my kids too, but got me in touch with community people and other parents.

I auditioned for community theater and met some fun creative people. I got cast, too.

I did stand up comedy (and yes, I still do it). I did a whole set once on a MLCs at the Improv in Hollywood. It went very well. Also write jokes for other comics.

I learned to cross country ski, became a better shooter.

I Learned to hunt big game, to deep sea fish, & I got better at downhill skiing.

I learned to use a snowmobile ("snow machine" to Alaskans)
I loved riding it.

Learned to fly a plane, and I got a pilot's license. (Long held dream of mine and an amazing adventure for me.)

Went skydiving, another long held dream. I loved it so much I did it again ( and will do it again this year! Just Yesterday I watched another DBer jump for her first time. JOY!!)

Edited a book. (The book ended up on the Best Seller's List. Who knew?)

I Worked out 3-4 times a week, and I really did get in excellent shape. Looking good made a world of difference to me. Eventually I found a work out partner and socialized after working out.

(Plus I'd just had our last child and needed to lose the baby weight. It was not easy to do, let alone in the dark, deathly of their long LONG cold winters).

In the winter, I used a tanning booth, which helped me a lot with depression.

Saw a therapist and for some months, went on ADs.

Took a pottery class (very unlike me to do, but I really liked it a lot).

Maybe a wood working class exists where you are, or some other crafts thing or an automobile repair class would appeal??

I Joined the Officer's Wives club after 15 years of H or me being active duty.

(Wish I had joined sooner!!! I met two women who became life long friends and were SO helpful to me there. We are still in touch and I count them as close friends).

Joined a writer's group

Took a class in Conversational French

Took a class in Italian cooking

There is more, but I just wanted to suggest to you a few things you can do that do not cost a lot.

Other than pilot training & skydiving, most of these ^^ activities were free, or quite cheap.


Hope this ^^ gives you some ideas...

[CaliGuy]

25YMLC First off Thank you so much for all your advice and input .. I will try to respond just so I am clear .. so hard via the written word sometimes. And your GAL suggestions really do help me on understanding all this.

Ok, I think the GAL thing was a little misunderstood .. I was not doing laundry and thinking that's GAL .... my latest GAL activity was taking a motorcycle course last weekend, was an all weekend event, I passed and walked away feeling really good. I have always wanted a Harley and am thinking about buying one in a few months as a B day present to me (180 I never spoil myself) however fearful though that will upset the WAW ... but at this point ... its for ME not her however I am uncertain at this point if that will create some issues between she and I ... with the financial issue she is having post the mediation blow up .... she will see it as money I should be giving her)
My other GAL since the separation are Softball on Wednesdays and I had quit playing football on Sundays in order to work on us .. I started back up after that failed as I realized I was doing things for her and not for me. I hope to take this Church class for 2 hours on Tuesdays but having my son may interfere with that....I also run 3 miles about 3 times a week, this is when she picks him up (Mon/Wed/Fri), we make the exchange and am all set to go, say goodbye and start running... (like you said .. maybe a 180 but for me and my sanity it feels just as good as a GAL .. .and I lost 20 lbs)

Ok .. noted on the friendzone ... hard pill to swallow there, but I understand the logic behind it.

Talking to my IC ... she had suggested more social type things for me, I admittedly lost my identity after being with her for 24 years, I have been forcing myself to accept invitations to parties, I typically bail on that but as of late I have been going, have another coming up soon. For me its a time thing, I do have my son often and when I have him we do things together, come to think of it we were looking at Kayaks yesterday, its something he and I did last year and he loved it, maybe I just pull the trigger and buy it and can do things with him and the GAL .. something different type approach as well. I will think about this one this week.

I think right now the hardest thing is detaching, GAL , and not jumping at any self percieved bone she throws, and finding me again regardless if we R I know I must do this. Just heard a sermon saying in relationships during conflict you almost have to do the opposite of the impulse you feel ... pretty much spot on for me.

[CaliGuy]

Ugh

So after Thursday mediation consultation and her Friday blow up (Coming to terms finacially she would end up being worse off) nothing was brought up at all. Everything was quiet today until just now, she TM me and asks if I had read through the information they gave us, I told her I had in fact read it all over the weekend. She wanted to get together and discuss finances ... this will be a fight no question. I give her a huge chunk at the moment and if we D and go 50-50 custody she will end up paying me, sure financially that's in my benefit but nothing I have ever brought up to her ever. So I told her I thought if this is what she wanted we should mediate, told her I do not want a divorce. That I thought it was a mistake. She told me she made her decision (after the last big fight 3 weeks ago) I reminded her that just after that she gave me her word and promised to try also (I took that at face value as it changed 4 days later) I told her I just did not think Divorce was a good idea, but if that's what she really wanted then mediation was most likely the best solution, let them run the numbers and find a middle ground.
She is close to starting her period, she always starts getting really confrontational around this time, I know in a few days she will be very emotional and with the fog it doesnt help much. Nothing I can really say or do here it seems but not let my frustration show and just be calm. I just do not know sometimes .. I read others stories here and know its never over, but this is the longest kind of pain I have ever known and just so hard and exhausting with no end in sight

[CaliGuy]

I did not sleep well at all last night, up twice with her in my thoughts.
Yesterday she was fishing for a fight ... I did not engage (usually hard for me). For the past few weeks she had mentioned how alone she was, we were connecting ... then the free consultation mediation meeting seemed to trigger something in her, feels like OM is again back in the picture, I know its a symptom .. but still stings .. I have not mentioned it at all, nor intend to ... just wish it would play itself out .. seems she bounces from him to me and all I can do is become someone she would be a fool to leave, knowing when she is really low and down its me she calls .... not sure if being there is a good idea but it does feel that its not something that pushes her away so I take those as positives.
In the TM when she is like this she always brings up a different shortcoming for a reason why she can not come back, alot of these things I have addressed but in reading threads/stories .. its taken years for her to get here and she most likely does not trust I have actually made these changes, possibly upset it took this long.
I am a bit deflated, but trying to stay positive .. at this point I just don't know, I love her but feel she needs to work through all this ... Even if she decided to give our marriage a shot I know she would never agree to any transparency agreement ... she is the type who has to control everything and for a long time I let her as it was easier than the fight. Does one make the D easier?? .. I know she will not agree to the financial terms and part of me thinks that's my gift of time, I am going to try to not think about it or her today (180 on a personal level type stuff) ... focus on work for the rest of the day and stay dark, easier said than done.

Hope you all are well and I pray for positives in your life today.

[Zues126]

Hey Cali. Don't assume what she would or wouldn't be willing to do. Look at the mountains we on this forum are willing to move to change and grow. No guarantees, but if the day comes she decides she wants to make it work to the same level you do she might be different than she is today.

[CaliGuy]

Zues ... thank you ... you are right, man I seem to have a problem thinking for her, need to work on that.

So today I held true, buried myself into work, she TM me that the pharmacy contacted her that my prescription was in and she did not know what that was about or what it was for .... I did not reply seeing no need as it was not something that needed to be addressed right then. Around lunch as I was out she TM asking "Are you there?" I finished my lunch (I have a bad habit of replying right away and am working on this) and then later replied That I was, been busy and I would pick up the prescription and have them change the number .... she then proceeds to invite me to dinner with our S ....Small positive ... but I am nervous she wants to hash out the $$ issue that I know will be a fight but like I just said .. I can not think where her head is at, I will take a chance at dinner in hopes I can just be happy and positive and it leaves a plus in the good side column.
She also confirmed Saturday that she will drop off her car, and us 3 go to the movie the S wanted to see, and Mass Sunday morning (To me the Mass is huge positive)I told her both times work for me and left it at that.
Sunday Mass I typically go Saturdays, but I am free this Sunday so I think it will be a good thing for us ... I will take S afterwards and probably go kayaking, give her the invite and see what happens ... she usually does her own thing on Sundays but I must just accept that for what it is and worry about me ... baby steps.

[Eatsma]

Good job CaliGuy. Baby steps. GAL. You're doing 180s.

Keep up the good work.