WAH - next chapter

[LisaB]

Thank you pilot and cq1 for your kind support.

I get that the letter is a little too much and I debated sending it, but after my clingy and dramatic behavior I felt I needed to not only let go within myself, but tell him that I accept the situation as is.

I was really obsessed with why and how everything happened and that was what I got super emotional about. I don't agree with the way he left (being vague, OW) and the reasons he gave for leaving are ridiculous and trivial for the most part. Our conversation the other night was about this, going over and over the things he did and why he did them. Although it is my nature to try to understand why, I realize he doesn't even truly know why and I will probably never really understand. So I have to stop trying and stop analyzing everything to death.

Maybe this is truly the end. I don't know. I feel quite hopeless now. But maybe I needed that so I can detach and move on. If it is indeed hopeless there is no reason for me to keep on banging my head against the wall wondering what happened and how I can change things now. I realize I made many mistakes but I was also a wonderful wife and we were very very happy together. And indeed I am not perfect but I am pretty fantastic for the most part. Anyone would be lucky to be with me. He didn't feel lucky so I guess he left.

Maybe in the future we can be friends, maybe in the future we can try again. I don't know. For now I think I need to give up that hope.

Thanks again for your support, I am sure I will be back soon with more drama...

Hugs, LisaB

[Joe1981]

Lisa,
I'm no expert by any stretch. I've got buckets of my own issues and make mistakes like 3 times per day.

That said, I think you need to be kind to yourself. I think your situation is not as drastic as you see it. I think there is some hope...your H has reached out. His eyes are open. He's interested, but it seems like he's confused. I'd say instead of continuing to chase the R, just go be awesome.

Stay dim/dark w/ him and do the things that make you happy and show him the woman he fell in love with.

If you've read the 5LL, do you know what his primary love language is? If so, maybe during your limited interactions with him you can subtly try to show him love in those ways. Don't be overt about it, and have no expectations, but leave your interactions with him having put a little more love in his tank.

Hang in there and be patient. I haven't walked far on this journey yet myself, but there are many here that have...trust their guidance and listen to their wisdom.

Be as honest with yourself as you can on here. The more accurate the information you give, the better the vets can help you.

Stay strong!

[LisaB]

Hi Joe1981,

Thanks so much for checking in with me and giving me that nice pep talk. I thank you for saying that my situation is not that drastic. I am still being over dramatic aren't I? haha. Well, I guess that is my excitable personality.

I have checked out the 5LL. I would say his top 2 are Quality Time and Physical Touch while mine are probably Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch.

Interestingly the other night when we were fighting I reached out and touched his wrist and he started crying. But maybe it was also what I was saying at that time, I can't recall what that was.

If his primary love language is quality time, how would I have quality connection with him when we are not in a R? I guess I have to think on that.

At this point my only option is to disappear anyway so not much I can do.

He still needs to come by to pick up all his stuff. It might be today, might be another time. Since I need to go dark/NC I guess I should not be here when he comes to get stuff. Any thoughts?

Hugs,
LisaB

[Joe1981]

My thoughts on how to speak his languages.

When he reaches out and wants to do something, there's the opportunity for quality time. Make it count. I don't mean go over the top or anything. Just be fun and engaging in conversation. Re-read the section on the dialects of quality time and think about how you can speak those subtly. Then make sure you leave him wanting more.
Also, try to not do anything that would make the time not-quality...no blow-ups!

Same w/ physical touch. Nothing obvious. Just brush against him "accidentally," touch his shoulder briefly, etc. Again, nothing too much and nothing obvious, but just enough that it leaves him wanting more.

And try to avoid R talk.

Oh yeah, be there when he gets his stuff. Don't initiate conversation, but if he talks, be fun, energetic and happy. Just like I said above...here's your first chance. Someone once said, maybe MWD, treat the WAS as a friendly neighbor. So do that, and while you help him get his stuff to the car, subtly speak his love languages. He'll notice, so don't ask or say anything about it.

[LisaB]

Thanks Joe1981, those are some good tips!

I was thinking not to be here when he comes to get his stuff, as I wasn't here the last two times he came and he became very curious about why I was so busy and why I didn't make time for him. But yeah maybe I need to show my neighborly side after the big blow up.

I really feel like everything has changed. Maybe it is just because I got all my feelings out in the open but I feel somehow better and worse at the same time. I feel I pushed him away but that I am more detached as well. Like now I realize if he doesn't want to be with me he doesn't and there really isn't much I can do about it.

That's crappy but at least I am starting to accept that things might not go my way. My friends and family have been waiting for this day for a while. As you'd expect, they all think he is a jerk and that I should move on. I was holding on to the old H, but the one who is here now is definitely not the same guy. He's going through an identity crisis and making a lot of strange decisions and changes. Some of them are unfortunately for the better (I wish he had made them before), but many are crazy and unreasonable.

Oh well. Thanks for reading and giving me advice.
Hugs, LisaB

[Joe1981]

You know your situation best. If you've gotten good results by not being there, then that may be the way to go. Just remember when you do interact to show him things that speak his language. Hang in there and hopefully a vet can pop by and give better advice than I can.

[LisaB]

Thanks Joe. And it is great to get advice from a guy, I think most of my friends are female so they don't really get how guys think if you know what I mean.

Thanks again for checking in with me, and I think your cupcake idea is a good one!

[asat82]

Lisa, just catching up and I see a lot of similarities (I think at least hehe). I just recently went NC for a while after the last time she backed off so did I. Not sure if my timing was great because she got together with a new OM.

Anyway, a week ago I called her and finally stood up for myself and said this was not okay, she needed to end things with OM because it was disrespectful and I won't stand for that. She wants to get together to talk soon, but all signs point to her continuing with divorce on this talk. She said she would break things off with OM, but Im not sure. She seems to be floundering to get attention from anyone also, but if she just opened her heart to me again things would be different.

I'm very tempted to start showing her some positives from me in her love language since this partially worked before, but after taking the strong stand Im not sure how to go about it. I am beginning to accept things may just be over, until she comes out of the fog, which may be a long long time. You sound like a wonderful person and I think showing some positives to him while remaining firm in your changes and your boundaries seems like a reasonable path to take. We can do this, just stay strong, and keep positive, especially around your H. But remember, you are number 1 in your world right now. Take care of yourself.

[LisaB]

Hi asat82, thanks so much for your kind words and I'm sorry that things are not going well with you, but as you say if she is open to attention and affection maybe you can give her some of that while still remaining strong? Good luck!

I just got a response from my H to my "Dobson letter" telling him I let go and accept the situation. His note was very heartfelt, which I did not expect. However, it was not very encouraging.

Basically he admitted that he had been having feelings for other women for some time before our split, and that he feels the end of our relationship was inevitable as he lost his feelings of excitement, desire and that in love spark. He was guilty and sad about these feelings and maybe even in denial, because he had been previously happy with me. But he felt his interest in me dying, and from what he says, now it is completely dead.

He said he is sorry for what happened and hopes someday I understand.

Of course reading his note makes me very sad and hopeless, as he is saying in a calm and loving way that he is 100% done.

Does anyone have advice for me? Should I respond? Is there any hope? What should I do?

All along through the split his complaint has been something along the lines of him losing that exciting spark of being in love with me. Losing that desire to please me, to pursue me. Losing that feeling of being lucky to have me, to respect and admire me. Basically I became the boring wife to him. And although it makes me sad, I can see my role in how that happened.

Any vets or anyone have advice for my situation? I would greatly appreciate it.

Hugs, Lisa

[pilot]

Basically he admitted that he had been having feelings for other women for some time before our split, and that he feels the end of our relationship was inevitable as he lost his feelings of excitement, desire and that in love spark. He was guilty and sad about these feelings and maybe even in denial, because he had been previously happy with me. But he felt his interest in me dying, and from what he says, now it is completely dead.

So what is he doing to do when the excitement fades with the OW? As it is certain to, just like in any relationship. Once the honeymood period is over, and the relationship begins to take work and effort, he will realize the error of his ways. Might be too late by then, but rest assure, it will happen.

i really do not have anything magic to say that will make you feel better other than just give you words of encouragement and support to remember your own worth as an individual.

Best of luck to you!