DB, I hope you did have a happy birthday! You never know...maybe It's a start...but remember that this is a marathon, not a sprint.
((( )))
Last edited by 25yearsmlc; 08/02/1406:55 AM.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Do not put any pressure on her. Ever time you poke her in a personal way if she was greatly effected she will feel your thoughts.
If my h kept at me at the moment, I think I would throw up due to anxiety. I'm in a way needing him to be gone, even tho I did think we could work it out, and i wanted to go back I still have doubts.
It's 8months.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
I think we are of the same mind in respect to DB needing to take ownership of causing W tremendous pain by his cheating. Our experiences and insights are valuable here. You know that our experiences are colored by our on filters and from what we've learned in observing other relationships in IRL from our circle of family and friends.
For DB and W, I do think it is vital that he acknowledge her perspective. Posting my apology letter to Ms. Wonka here is for DB and other DBers to file away in their minds for I've learned tremendously from others who have written to their WAS. I am not saying that DB should write the exact same letter to his W...but offer him some info that he can glean from this and tailor to his sitch.
DB,
Julia,
Thank you for reaching out. It shows the extent of your character that you were able to say this after the hell I put you through. I would be very, very careful of using the word "your character" for the implication here is that she has questionable character...she may perceive it that way! So don't go there. I wouldn't put "after the hell I put you through" for it just hallow words.
I do have a lot of work to do, and I'm glad to finally be doing it. Your compassion and grace mean more to me than you know. Ohhh..saying you're glad to be finally be doing it...sounds glib. Re-work this part.
My birthday has been great. John and I drove a van with 5 Alateens all day today and yesterday to their conference in Oregon.
Such a beautiful drive. So many stars here tonight. smile
All the best,
You might want to say somewhere in there that you will be responding to her thoughts later as you need to reflect them and tell her it deserves a thoughtful response.
Let's dissect W's letter to get some insight into her thought process and POV. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Hey,
I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday. Nice of her to acknowledge your BD. I know you have been a rough time these past few months, just as I have. I hope you will be celebrating with friends or classmates. I’m heading up to Sacramento to celebrate with my dad - he turns 75 today.
I was telling myself I had let go of the things that happened with us, but surprisingly I’ve just been getting more angry about it lately. She's processing her emotions, reflecting on some of the good and not so good memories. She's angry because she feels that her faith was seriously misplaced and angry for being too trusting with you. This is very telling!I guess I hadn’t had the time to really process it yet, given how busy I’ve been with work and school. I was in a really good place in my life when I met you... I had done so much work on myself and was ready to meet my life partner. Wow. She was ready for a life with a worthy man that included marriage and kids. But here I am, two years later, trying to repair and rebuild. So many steps backward. Her dreams and hopes were horribly dashed by your A's with the OW and insulting her by characterizing your sex life as lackluster. How can she get over this hurdle by feeling less than a woman???! A bummer of a place to be in, to say the least.
I’m not even really sure what to say at this point, except that I do recognize that you have probably been going through a very rough time yourself and I don’t believe you ever intended to hurt me. She is showing a true grace here by aknowleding that you're probably hurt too.I hope your work with Greg has helped you understand how your actions affect those around you, the people who are loving you and trusting you. This caught my eye. What did she mean by those around you. How many people have you hurt?? Is there something that you are not telling us here? I realized a while back that I couldn’t make you understand how you hurt me -- I can only hope you are able to come to that realization yourself, and will remember it before making decisions to be deceitful in the future. She's not feeling that you get her pain..this is where I feel you lack sincere empathy here based on what you've posted. Empathy! She's giving you a clue not to do any cheating EVER AGAIN. And I do hope you do take this to heart. Not only for her but FOR YOURSELF. You ever get married to a woman, you will need to learn how to be monogamous in a healthy way.
I also hope that your therapy work is helping you to resolve the things that have plagued you emotionally for much of your life. Much of your life...what is she alluding to here? I get the sense that it is just more than the OW. Are there other issues beside being love avoidant? There's a great book on that topic. Google it. I still believe you have a good heart and I hope you are able to overcome those issues and coping behaviors that prevent you from loving yourself. She's nailed it pretty good here. If you truly love and respect yourself, then it all emanates outward to friends and family.You have a lot to offer the world and if you can find a way to let love in, I’m sure you can achieve anything you want in life. Whoa! She's giving you a peek in her perspective of what her ideal H would be. If you can figure a way to be emotionally, physically, and sexually intimate in a healthy way...she's all for it. File this away, DB.
I hope school and work are going well for you. May the coming year bring you peace and happiness." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I do see a lot of positives here and do feel that you two can reconcile if you CAN show her genuine and sincere empathy for her pain. Coupled with your work on intimacy issues....then there's a possibility for a reconciliation.
The one thing that mostly concerns me is that this woman is the third person you'be been engaged to since the last time you dropped out of this DB site. This says a lot right there about you, your view of women, and how you interact with a woman who potentially could be your wife.
Ok, I'm think something with a LITTLE more validation of a few things she brought up. I want her to know she was heard. I think being TOO brief night make her think I didn't take all her vulnerability to heart.
-----
Julia,
Thank you for this. I know you've had just as rough a time as me these last few months (probably worse), so it means a lot that you were able to reach out.
You're right...I do have a lot of work to do, and your compassion and grace mean more to me than you know. I'm making a purposeful effort to understand just how this has affected you by talking to a numerous women who have been betrayed, and my work with Greg is paying off. But I know I have more to do.
My birthday was great, thanks. John and I drove a van with 5 teens all day Thurs and Fri to their conference in Oregon. Such a beautiful drive. So great to get some fresh air.
Best, E
Me: 39 - W: 35 Together: 2 years, no kids My Affair: 1.5 years Affair ended: 4/9/14 Affair revealed: 5/19/14 Last Contact: 8/2/14
I know you've had just as rough a time as me these last few months (probably worse),
I would recommend re-reading what 25 and Wonka have expressed to you, and then re-read this, and then think about how it will sound from your fiancee's perspective, and then think about how to rephrase it.
That is the kindest way I could come up with to respond to this.
Thank you for this. I know you've had just as rough a time as me these last few months (probably worse), so it means a lot that you were able to reach out. why don't you tell her that it was a courageous thing for her to do to open up to you and that you appreciate it?
You're right...I do have a lot of work to do, and your compassion and grace mean more to me than you know. I'm making a purposeful effort to understand just how this has affected you by talking to a numerous women who have been betrayed, and my work with Greg is paying off. But I know I have more to do. why would you tell her about numerous women?!! she does not need to hear this at all for it would justify in her mind that she's made the right decision since you've been a serial cheater. BTW, your work is not "paying off" for they are just empty words. You've not said one jot about her pain. Why not? Acknowledge it...not dancing around it.
My birthday was great, thanks. John and I drove a van with 5 teens all day Thurs and Fri to their conference in Oregon. Such a beautiful drive. So great to get some fresh air.
Best, E
If you want to use the proper validation tools, it is right there for you....take another look at her email and you will be able to see how you can achieve it.
Rework it some more, buddy. You're getting closer to the final one.
