What are your interests, your passions? What are maybe some things that you felt you put aside for the sake of your marriage, that were important to you, personally? Sports? Music? Any volunteer work? Other?
What makes Shodan, Shodan?
Great question...one of the issues in our marriage had been that I was pretty obsessed with martial arts. I practice 2-3 nights per week and sometimes weekends for an hour. I quit it when my W dropped the D bomb on me. I realized that it had been taking me away from my family, my W...I was not present and left her by herself a few nights per week. It caused me stress at work b/c I wanted to get things done so i could go practice not be with my family and W. So, I cannot go back to that. Hence why my 180 was being devoted to my family and my W. But with the affair, being devoted to my W would not be a GAL move.
Then I'd advise you work it back in 1-2 nights per week, or find a way you can still do it and still spend time with the kids?
You want to find maybe one or two things you used to do for your wife, that you now do for YOU, without apology. Nothing overboard.
You have a HUGE advantage here, the way I see it Sho. (and I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but bear with me . . . ) Most people come here to the Infidelity section of this community in a quandary, because they know (about the spouse's affair), their spouse KNOWS that they know, and yet they haven't really had any chance to do all the self-improvement stuff.
So they're left with "If I confront, I come across like an a-hole, my wife says 'See? More of the same controlling Shodan!'" or they ignore the 500-lb. gorilla in the room, continue to DB, doing the dishes, the laundry, rubbing their wife's feet and basically doing the cuckold thing. To which the wife things "Blccccch; that is SO unattractive! Why isn't he fighting for me? Why is he allowing me to do this, and being so passive and WEAK?"
YOU on the other hand, just by chance, got to do what sounds like an awesome "Plan A" (self-improvement and marital improvement), and THEN found out about the affair! You can now play a harder stance that you could have otherwise, in my opinion, because your wife has SEEN what a "brand new marriage with Shodan" would look like, if she decides to end her affair.
So if you pull back in the opposite direction now, she'll know it's clearly in response to her affair, and your own self-protection. Don't get me wrong, she won't actually SAY that, and, you know, give you CREDIT for it . . . but I think you're perfectly safe in pulling waaaayyy back here.
That's just my opinion. Others here do advocate a softer stance, in fairness.
Great question...one of the issues in our marriage had been that I was pretty obsessed with martial arts. I practice 2-3 nights per week and sometimes weekends for an hour. I quit it when my W dropped the D bomb on me. I realized that it had been taking me away from my family, my W...I was not present and left her by herself a few nights per week. It caused me stress at work b/c I wanted to get things done so i could go practice not be with my family and W. So, I cannot go back to that.
Your kids are 10 and 7; any chance you could sign them up for some MA classes and do that with them? Some quality daddy/daughter and daddy/son time?
I'll be offline the next 3 hours or so. Try not to do anything drastic, Sho, willya? I'll try to check back in on you later.
Remember, "Hmmm, I'm not sure how I feel about that now," or "I'll have to think about that, and get back to you," and "I think we both have some decisions to make." VAGUENESS IS YOUR DB FRIEND!
(But - make no mistake about it - she ain't gonna TELL you she does. Lol. Not right now anyway.)
Great point.
When me and the fetching Mrs. Starsky reconciled, she told me later that "those things you did? When I was having my affair? Don't get me wrong, they P*SSED ME OFF at the time, and I still disagree with one of two of them. But I actually not only RESPECTED you for fighting for our marriage and for our family, but I found it very attractive."
Starsky
Sorry to jump in here.... But does this stance work as well for the ladies?
---GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
YOU on the other hand, just by chance, got to do what sounds like an awesome "Plan A" (self-improvement and marital improvement), and THEN found out about the affair! You can now play a harder stance that you could have otherwise, in my opinion, because your wife has SEEN what a "brand new marriage with Shodan" would look like, if she decides to end her affair.
BOOM! Yes! I TOTALLY see the same thing!
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
wow, great advice here. I may try to work back into martial arts, but I need to tread lightly for myself. It was causing me to be a different person. It made me stressed, which caused anxiety for everyone, b/c I was practicing a lot. My kids were also doing it and because of my tenure in the art, it caused them stress as well. But I agree, going back 1-2 nights per week may not be to bad if I can make it work with the kids. But my kids will go back ONLY if they want to.
Another question...we sleep in the same bed (when she is here). I assume I tell her to sleep in another room now that I have confirmed the A? Also, I make her coffee in the morning. Should I stop doing that (I would do that for a neighbor). Trying to figure out the balance between a hard line and just plain not nice.
And again, I want to thank you for all of your support. The hole in my heart is a little smaller today. I hope to perhaps even get some sleep tonight.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
As for coffee? Do you make coffee for yourself and her at the same time? Or do you make it specifically for her in the morning?
I mean, I have my own opinion about that. You don't want to come across as being petty and snarky. I, for one, see nothing wrong with you making coffee in the morning. That is a neighborly, subtle gesture that keeps her feeling her road back into the M is smoothly paved. But it doesn't feel like "pressure" or "pursuit" to me.
Re: martial arts: if it doesn't feel good - or if it doesn't MAKE you feel good - right now, don't do it. This GAL thing shouldn't feel "forced," per se, except to the extent that you're having to force yourself to do things that make you happy when you'd otherwise be rocking back and forth in a closet, avoiding the real world because you feel your whole world is crumbling. Do things that make you happy and give your PMA a boost. If it stresses you? Don't do it.
At the same time, if attempting MA again is something you could do to prove to yourself that you can do it without it causing you stress - in other words, if you can make that *your own* 180 in *your own* life - then go for it!
I hope that makes sense.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
