Is DB Worth It? Part 3

[Maybell]

Claire, how are you today?

Have you seen positive changes in your H? Or is he not there yet?

Do you have a timeline in mind?

I've been thinking of labug's signature and 25yrs, both of them had a 2+ year journey to get to piecing & reconciliation.

Two years is a really long time to me and if I look at it that way I really wonder if I have the patience to stand for so long. I mainly have that perspective when I look forward, though. If I stand where I am and look AROUND, I see that I've just begun my second year, and it took all of the first year to get me to a healthy enough place to be able to contemplate even being in a relationship. I see that my H has only just now gotten himself to a place where he can begin to become a better person -- and he's not nearly as motivated as I have been. That is another kind of rejection, I agree. I'm curious to see how the changes you made last week will impact him.

If your changes are so obvious to all the world, then either they will slowly pull your H closer to you... Or you'll find them attracting some other life towards you. If your changes are truly bone-deep, you'll be able to see it. (I think you already can, just maybe it doesn't look like what you expected.)

I worry it's hypocritical of me to say this because I still struggle with it so much myself, but do you think it's possible that it's time to move to a new level of detachment, so that you can see more of your own fantastic future without him?

I wish I could say a magic word and bring us all to the place where we're really happy with our circumstances, whatever they turn out to be. Sending you warm wishes...

[claire7]

Maybell,
I think you must have some special powers. Today is my birthday. Thank you for this message today.

My birthday tends to bring up difficult reminders that I didn't get the kind of love I needed as a child. (My mother, for example, didn't bother to call me all day today because she knew she was going to see me at 4:00 this afternoon. And when I called to ask whether they were almost here, she answered, well, I wouldn't be able to describe it here but let's just say it wasn't what I would say to MY D3 on her birthday (which would be something loving and enthusiastic).

My mom is just not capable of that, because she didn't have that as a child. And while I've gotten better at accepting her for who she is, and having a bit more compassion for her, it doesn't change the fact that I had needs that were unmet.

And that has affected me to this day. I was thinking today how, even early on in our R, it was always difficult for my H to "speak my 'LL", which is words of affection or affirmation (you know, the stuff I never got as a kid-- see how it all makes more sense now?) He couldn't articulate why he loved me, specifically, or whisper sweet nothings In my ear, or even simply say, "wow Claire, you look amazing! " He could write it in a card, and did on special occasions, but even when i told him that I wanted/needed that, he couldn't give it to me.

So, this is my way of responding to your suggestion of detaching more. I was thinking about that today. I am a wonderful, beautiful, intelligent, loving, honest person. I am a great mom. I am capable of change and very willing to work very hard to rebuild our M. I am officially ready to say he is a FOOL to walk away from me.

[Georgiabelle]

Happy Birthday Claire! Celebrate all week long:-)

[Maybell]

Claire, HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you!! I would have declared you a woman he was a fool to leave before now, but I'll raise a virtual glass of prosecco to you and say that this is the grand unveiling of Amazing Claire. may your personal new year bring you lots of happiness!

[claire7]

Thanks so much for that, Maybell and Georgiabelle. I have a lot to look forward to in the coming year.

He took the time to buy me flowers (from my D) for my birthday, and gave me a card (from her), with a very sweet message (from her). That is something. He also sent me an email with a cute pic of my D3 while they were away with our his friends and their kids this weekend.

For himself, he wrote, "Happy Birthday Claire!" That was it. No emotion at all.

So, I decided to try a teeny experiment-- I had to email him with a logistics question, and added in some friendly joking related to his dad's visit today.

Got a straight up business-tone reply. Nada. Nothing.

So it goes. Onward. There is still some delicious birthday cake left, and a new bottle of rose' in the fridge. The celebration of ME continues...

[claire7]

Ok, folks. I could reallllly use some feedback.

Just got a long msg from H telling me he got a great promotion, which will also bring with it longer hours and more travel.

Somebody please either stop me from sending him a "seriously, how can you still believe that there is absolutely no hope for our R? How can you possibly say that you've "tried as hard as you could" to make it work?

Or, help me say something like that in a way that would not totally push him away.

Part of me wants to just tell him-- screw you, you'll have to deal with whatever scheduling headaches this causes YOU. This is what YOU want. This is the reality of D.

Deep breaths.
Help!

[Ss06]

Claire, can you just say, "congrats on the promotion. Hope it brings you happiness." Beyond that is picking a fight, not detaching and pursuing all of will backfire. Right?

[Maybell]

Claire, I wish I had advice for you. I don't. But you've been giving great advice to others so whatever you come up with won't need more than a bit of tweaking.

I understand where you're coming from. I'm sorry he isn't there.

[claire7]

I think part of what's affecting me so much (I'm falling apart at the moment) is that this is yet ANOTHER major life moment that we are not sharing. Babies have been born, birthdays, career and personal achievements, holidays, vacations... and each one is another reminder that we are not a family anymore.

I don't want this and I can't stop it. He's just one of those WAH that is just totally totally done no matter what.

The reality of this is hitting me and it's devastating.

[Ss06]

Claire, I'm so sorry tonight is a rough one. I know the feeling of a WAH who is totally done. It is devastating that one person can have this much control over our lives and our daughters lives and handle it with so little care. I'm heartbroken and I'm heartbroken sitting here next to you. (((Hugs)))