I have been absent because things have been very ' weird' for lack of a more sophisticated word.
From my last posts, I had spoken about H seeming to be more present, more engaged.
This has continued especially with family and the kids in particular.
We also had begun discussing ( a few months back) the possibility of moving back together.
Few had a conversation in June in which he told me he will 'end his affair' and that to go from the 'if' to the ' when' of moving back together, we would talk more over the summer.
Fast forward to last week.
Me and the kids and H and all of H's family are in Germany where we meet every summer and Christmas. The past several MLC years, H has only joined us for 1 week out of the four weeks we stay here.
This year he says he is staying the whole time.
We have a good week. Nothing romantic, but good. No talks, just all of us being together, enjoying each other's company. He would tell me when he was leaving the house. He bought me a new iPad. It has been so very pleasant thank God.He seems to have upgraded me from from persona non grata to his equal.
Yesterday I see a text message from OW ( was NOT snooping... He was showing all something on his phone and it appeared). I felt like I was taken back to three years ago...the darkest of the MLC days.
Last night... We have a talk. It's not so much of a talk and more of a vomit of anger, hurt and stubbornness. I tell him I cannot do this anymore. I am not able to continue like this. OW must go. I flubber and blubber I become a ball of emotion. The only time I check myself is when we speak about the kids, I genuinely tell H that he uses the kids in our discussions ( I don't think he realized he did). He actually took it well.
Anyway, not a very productive conversation otherwise.
This morning..
It continues somewhat. More anger. I fail at putting my 3 years of learning into practice. Only in hindsight do I see the alternative ways I could have led the conversation withe perhaps the same outcome.
He tells m he is thinking about us moving back together. In a year's time ( that was the timeline we were agreed to because of kids' schooling), and that he would respect my boundaries ( he lives in Dubai now...we would go and live as a family. His affair needs to be laid to rest). And also tells me that he has ended his affair as of two weeks ago.
He actually said ' I ended my affair'
I said he can't talk to her anymore. He said I can't tell him who he can and cannot speak to. He said they are not friends. I tried to talk about needed to close it up and have NC. It was not a good time. So much had already been said.
I did manage to at least say I am not trying to control him even though it sounds like it I know. I just couldn't get the right words out and it was not the right time.
He said he sees us moving back together as a family but not into the same bedroom.
I said then what?
He said he doesn't know. If things continue to get better between us we can see what happens.
I said are you going to respect our marriage vows?
He said well I am your legal husband. He said he needed more time.
We said we will let the dust settle and talk again later.
I am numb. I imagined over the years that I would have felt a sense of pure relief and joy when his affair ended. Instead I just feel like I have been hit over the head and not sure what just happened.
H has never once faltered in the past 4 years. He never said I miss you, he never acted with doubt, he never once hinted that he cared what he walked away from.
He never said his affair was over. Until now. God Protect Us.
Oh man... What now?
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
One other thing. Last year, Smokey, briefly had second thoughts and started coming around again. He spoke of our future together and said the OW was not in the picture.
I was thrilled and stopped posting on the boards for those months.
Things quickly went south. I "forgot" all I learned and went with my instincts and, now, see that I shouldn't have.
I don't think it would've made much difference because he was still deeply in replay...I can see now.
BUT, my posting and asking for support would have definitely helped me and I could have handled things much, much better.
I know it's tempting to disappear when things are going well. I would encourage you to stay in touch while you sort through all this.
Just my two cents.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Hi heather :-) I've been reading you just not posting a lot and you really sound good. It makes me happy.
I may have described some things inaccurately.
I am ready to leave Sudan. I told H this months ago. I told him I was giving it one more school year ( because I work at the school he kids attend) to resign properly, give the kids time to get used to the move and look for a new place to live and a new school. At the time of telling him this we were not talking about living together again.
That's why it is a year timeline ...
His demeanor is more positive than negative and more ' I am confused' than ' this is what will happen'.
It's so hard to explain ... I hope that made sense....
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I don't know Busting...what do you say when things are going WELL??? Um, hmmm...
All I can think of is..."Let's all grab some popcorn (you too!) watch what happens."
Sounds like he is coming outta it. Why does this remind me of a very long, hard, breach labor?
But, it gives me hope. I feel hope Busting for you and all of us...maybe some REALLY DO COME OUTTA IT!
You got this...I'm glad you vented some to him.
With MLC, AS THIS JOURNEY CONTINUES ON AND ON AND ON AND ON....I feel like I get more and more convinced that pretty much nothing we DO OR DON'T DO MAKES MUCH OF A DIFFERENCE. I think we can only take care of ourselves and do our best as we get through it.
Just be true to Busting. And, relish the positives. There's a crowd of us feeling the glory of those moments with you. Smokey hasn't seen or tried to contact D11 in more than 2 months...nearing three. I haven't heard from him.
Let those nice moments you all have shared as a family really, really soak in and let the positives fill you up.
And, I've been doing this and it really helps!...when you feel down or discouraged or overwhelmed with negatives/fear...say your name as loud as you can inside your head. PUFF out your chest as you do and scream it inside. You fill yourself up and it feels so awesome.
You will be ok, no matter what.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I love popcorn heather! Lol. Ok I'll make some for the picnic.
In my heart I agree about that though. It's more watching and observing it seems. While enjoying the positives and really working on LIVING the changes I have made in my life.
I think I am wonderng how to navigate this while moving forward. I think I am in a place I am unsure of? Didn't expect to be in? Scared..?
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
busting, Your h is slowly waking up and he's on the right track. Take things slowly and even if you opt to have him move back home and he sleeps in a separate bedroom...that is a start. Many of them move home and sleep in another room, etc., until they feel more comfortable being in a relationship once again w/the spouse.
Reconnection takes a lot of time and patience. Things will be different because both of you are different now. Expectations will have be lowered on your part and do not expect him to be the way he was before. Both of you will be starting out fresh and learning how to begin anew. Patience, patience and more patience.
It's reasonable to be scared of the unknown...but if things work out and you both strive to make this a new marriage, I think your marriage could be even better than before...but you have to keep your expectations at zero and learn to follow his lead and dig for patience.
Hang in there!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks Job! I will hang in as much as I can, day to day. I think more than anything I am afraid of me...if that makes sense.
I haven't had an opportunity to 'practice' the new me in this type of relationship.. ( if that's what it is). I am the ' new' me with my other relationships to the point that it seems second nature.
Hmmmm.
I will follow his lead. And keep being me. I am trying to be very honest with him when an opportunity arises. In part of our 'talks' yesterday I did say that at times it's felt like emotional abuse.
I know he is trying in his actions and behaviors. I see it. For example, tomorrow the whole family is traveling to Berlin for a few days. We are driving. While packing we said me, him and the kids will all share one suitcase to save space.
I know this seems trivial, but little things like this that connect him to the family, have been happening. They were not happening in the past.
These small things really fascinate me... What is he thinking? What is driving him?
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I am also having some difficulty hearing about his life. Things he has done, places he has gone. He is not throwing it in my face. Just things that come up in conversation with the family like ' when I was in...'
In the back of my head, I go straight to ' oh and of course OW was with him'.
I know I need to let it go.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
busting, I know it's difficult, but if he's talking about where he's been, just listen and acknowledge him when he's speaking. Now, if the ow comes, up you can politely change the subject because you don't want to hear about her.
I do think your h is slowly reconnecting and it's going to take some time for him to feel comfortable around you full time. He's still fragile and yes, he's going to talk about what he's done because he's at that point where he wants to be more open w/you.
Continue to be yourself and honesty is really the best policy.
Enjoy your time in Berlin.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
