WAH with OW/EA - advice wanted! :)

[Paz2014]

Hi Lisa,

Just caught up with your post and I've gotta say...you have guts! I only have suspicions about my H having an EA. Not sure if it has gone physical but the curiosity gets stronger. I have resisted to snoop because like everyone says it doesn't help you, it only brings you down even more. Honestly, I'm not sure I really want him to confess but at the same time I don't want to be kept in dark either. Because it would essentially be a lie if he never confessed. I mean how do you heal from something you didn't know you had to heal from. Really confused about that right now.

Your H behavior reminded me of mine. It all happened so quickly. At first he said he wasn't sure if he could go on this way. I was trying to figure out what "this way" meant but he was never forthcoming. Next thing you know he has S papers drawn up and presents me with it. Then the anger bouts came and the "I do love you but..." Then more anger and lashing out not just at me but my kids too. This was the hardest part for me to handle. We haven't told the kids anything but I know they sense the tension. Anyway, another week goes by and he disappears for a day, his phone and wallet are out of sight, he moves out of the room, he tries to talk me into signing the papers, he begs me to release him. Meanwhile I'm trying to figure out when everything went to sh!ts since we just signed a contract for a new house and we're talking about starting in July to have a baby. It's been truly devastating.

I sent the kids away to parents for the summer and I too have taken a respite in San Diego with my bro. I'm here for three weeks and it has been...I'm glad to be out of the negative environment. The day before I left he came to counseling with me because I suggested that we needed a neutral third party to mediate the convo. I didn't think he would take me seriously but the following day he said "I don't know where you're going with this but I will go with you if you want me to." Passive-aggressive BS but I went along with it. At the session he revealed that his initial intention with drafting the S papers was to see if we just needed space but that as he gave himself time (like a week) he realize that things were never gonna change. At first he never mentioned the D word nor did he say it was over. All he kept saying was I don't have anymore to give right now. So I waited patiently and started my 180. He accused my changes as being a facade or a ploy somehow. It was very hurtful but continued with it anyway.

The morning of my flight he took me to the airport, checked me in, and walked with me to the security checkpoint and waited til I passed through. He insisted the I text and let him know each time I boarded and landed. So i did. I emailed him my bro's contact info. Instead of replying to my email he called me instead to make sure that my flight went well and that I was settled in. A few hours later he called to let me know I had mail and even read my mail to me. I kept it short and sweet, said thank you and left it at that.

I've been here for almost two weeks now and have really given myself time to think about things and enjoy myself again. I'm thankful for the space because I could not handle all his emotional blow-ups. As I sat there and listened to his complaints about me all I could think about was "who is this guy?" and "where did my H go?" His behavior towards me has been pretty crappy and none of his grievances sounded like deal breakers for me either. It sounded like he was trying to find every excuse to get out of the M. He even went as far as saying that our M was not a biblical M and so... It was all crap and I too wanted to spew out really nasty and dirty expletives but didn't.

My only contact with him lately has been to forward him emails regarding the new build. We are due to close the first week of August on this gorgeous house we had plan to raise our family in but will now be selling just as soon as it is complete. Lucky me, huh? I try to keep strictly business with a flare of southern politeness. He will either respond or not at all but I know eventually he will have to contact me about something house-related. Initially, I was confused about how to behave during my time away--how to communicate. Since I left on friendly terms and have been friendly during his contacts he knows that I'm not dodging him out of spite. At least, I hope. I let him initiate contact. The last one was to yell at me about what I was doing with the money he left for me before he opened up his own account and moved all "his...no longer ours" money in there. He said he would eventually move his name off the joint account but til this day has not. So he gets to see all of my expenses and I don't get to see any of his.

I'm sure him looking over the transaction history is just eating him up since he doesn't have a clue what I could be doing. I responded calmly and reassured him that I wasn't on a shopping spree and that most of those things I will most likely return if they don't fit right. I'm petite so non-petite clothes are tricky sometimes. It calmed him down and I even went as far as saying "No need to apologize, I understand and I appreciate you being honest about it and not yelling (even though he did.) He then offered to read my mail but I told him it was not necessary but thanked him for offering anyway. That was the last I've heard from him.

I have to say that if I do see you and many others who have suffered the fate of an EA/PA I would give you a very big and long hug. I would be obsessing over the OW too. It would be hard to turn that stuff off and I don't know how or what I would do if it were me in your shoes. Kudos to you for taking the higher ground. I hope you H does snap out of it and truly repents for a$$ of a behavior and wins you back like you deserve. Your perseverance gives me strength and hope to continue with my journey. Since I've been here it's been easier to detach and I'm actually daydreaming about being single again. I go out with friends and meet new people and notice all the stares or the stolen (accidental) glances and it's been a big ego booster. But then deep down I know it's my H that I want to attract that kind of attention from so I just take it as a compliment. I've still got it! Kinda good, scary, and confusing at the same time. If I found out, I would also be wondering if I would want him back too. That's a tough one and I think only time will tell. The random annoying texts he's sending...I call them baits. As idiotic as it sounds he's fishing and hoping you haven't completely given up even though he may not consciously aware of it.

Despite how absolute my H sounds right now that he no longer feels for me the way he used to and that he wants a D...I know part of him deep down still loves me. So I have to remind myself that he is not thinking clearly right now and that he's going through his own journey (a really screwed up one) and he has to be the one to come out of it. HOpefully, I'll still be on the other side waiting. Who knows? At this point I'm enjoying my life without him...no baggage and no petty passive-aggressive behavior.

Anyway, thank you for letting me vent or at least for reading this. Perhaps I should have journaled instead but I needed to relate with someone today.

Stay strong and focused!

[LisaB]

Hi cq1! I am glad that you are able to be strong and are thinking of this forum to help you along. My H moved out and then started sleeping with OW immediately. I don't think I could handle him sleeping with her and living in the same house as me. I'd probably murder him while he slept. Is it possible for you to tell her to move out if you know that she is still with the OP? I just think that is so uncool, I feel like I could not handle it. Maybe give yourself some kind of deadline to say "hey listen, I am not sure it is over with you and OM, if not then I think it is best if we take some space while you figure that out. It's not fair to me that we live in the same house while that is going on."

I don't know, maybe that isn't the best move but if it were me it would drive me crazy I think.

I completely agree with you about replying to my H's messages. I have tended to be really short and boring with my replies. I feel if I don't reply he will think "oh she's mad at me" and that will make him feel better in a way? Like I care still. But if I am just short and polite in reply, perhaps he will think I just don't care so much and am moving on. Maybe it doesn't even matter, I am feeling quite hopeless about the whole thing today. I miss him but he really disappointed me and I don't know if I can forgive and trust again.

Good luck in finding a cutie to flirt with!

Hugs, Lisa

[LisaB]

Hi CMF! Wow what a story. I really feel for you, and it sounds very similar to what has happened with me unfortunately.

I hate to say it but I would expect an OW in your case too. I just don't know how these people can have a sudden change of heart unless they have someone else that they NEED to get involved with NOW. It just seems like that is a big motivator and a reason for a sudden change. Especially with you building a house and planning a baby! Crazy.

It sounds like you are doing really well and handling this with grace and strength. I am impressed! Keep up the good work and this will work out for the best whatever that may be!

So sorry to hear you are going through this but at least we can all support and encourage each other and give one another some good advice!

Hugs,
Lisa

[owl777]

Abandonment is a big sign the S has guilt and can't handle facing their S for whatever reasons: OP/anger issues/addictions/MLC, etc. etc. Unfortunately, the S has left or wanted to a while ago and the hurt S just was in the dark. It's sad but the fact. How the other S can do this is a mystery to me, but there has to be a mental blockage with denial, delusions and many times amnesia. DBing friends: the only thing left is concentrating on ourselves and how we can go on and praying to God that somehow the S wakes up before we move on for good, which has happened to most of us.

[LisaB]

That's the truth owl777!

[stacey9]

Hi everyone, I have just read through this whole thread and it has been so helpful to me. I am new here, my H left 7 months ago straight onto OW and is still with her. I am heartbroken. I saw them both together for the first time last week, in the supermarket buying groceries together and the pain nearly wiped me out.

All this advice is so great, and it is making me feel stronger already!

Much love to everyone.
Stacey xx

[LisaB]

Aw Stacey that is so terrible! I am so sorry!

Did you have to interact with them at the store or were you able to escape without them seeing you?

Big hug! Lisa

[stacey9]

Hi Lisa, no I left the store when I saw them, but they passed me while I was sitting in the car. I waved when I saw them I cannot explain what made me do it! I saw H say to her that's my wife and she smiled but only glanced over. He has never spoken to me since. it's like he is so angry at me!

I've never joined any online groups or forums before but I am so glad I joined this one. There are so many people going through the same as me and the advice is just great.
Hope you are having a good day
Love
Stacey

[loualea]

Hi Stacey
had the same experience, almost with the OW and my H. I texted him later that he had been cruel to allow us to end up face to face. Interestingly said he had not meant to be cruel...
What he thought it was I am not sure!
since then I have really hammered into my head. " remember he does not like you". I think I was acting before as if he did still like me ..he was just a bit confused. But I don't believe these WAS are confused. I do not think they care about the LBS at all..or if little just so they don't feel guilty. They care zbout themselves, and only themselves.
it has helped my detachment to remind myself that this person, who if I am not strong I care about a lot, really does not have my best interests at heart, only his own.. and I need to look after me because he surely is not going to. If anything it will be the opposite..

[LisaB]

Hi all! What a mess! I am so glad we can be here to support one another through these crappy times. Sorry to hear everyone's sad tales. When can we get off this darn emotional rollercoaster?

I heard from the H today and he asked to meet to "catch up". WTH does that mean? Is he going to tell me all about his new stupidwhoregirlfriend? Is he lonely and sad? Is he curious about my new exciting life? I have no idea and I am not prepared to hear him tell me how happy he is with the OWb!tch or anything like that. I'm not sure how to respond.

Does anyone have tips? I asked my friends and they had mixed advice. I don't want to go into a meeting without knowing the general feeling of it. I definitely don't want to go to hear bad news if you know what I mean. I'd rather stay home and do the dishes or clean the toilet bowl with my tongue.

Friends said to reply and ask something like "is there something you want to discuss" but I feel like that might be too pushy and I'm trying to play it cool, detached and confident. I did reply and say "what did you have in mind?" hoping that would get some kind of answer, and it was vaguely flirty or b!tchy depending on how you look at it.

A few hours later he replied "just a drink or something" so I guess my question was too vague. Oops. So what do you think? Should I ask something more specific or just take my chances and meet up to hear something really disappointing that might cause a bar brawl?

PS: I haven't seen him since he moved out about 2-3 weeks ago. This is the longest we have ever been apart. ha.

Thanks in advance for your tips! Hope everyone has a fabulous day!
Hugs, Lisa