Wife officially walked away just over a month ago

[BigMac]

Thanks, trying to take it one day at a time.

On the menu today -

1. Taking S8 to a pool party
2. Flight Lessons
3. Dance lessons (learning to swing dance)

I still have a hole in my heart right now, But I am trying to GAL with everything I have.

[BigMac]

So, this morning I was going for a bit of understanding of the path that the W took on the way out.

I can see so many of my own problems causing this. Two weeks before she left for school, I got really drunk, and I embarrassed her. I had a huge PTSD activation (blowout) and had to have a friend come talk me down. I hurt her emotionally. Two weeks later she had to move away for school.

I can see in our history, how she was trying, but really depressed (as was I).
One month later, her project time started at school and she totally withdrew.
One month after that, you can see her attraction starting to the OP, the flirting.
Except in this case, she was living in a hotel in another town for work.

She pressured me into "open relationship" not because of her wanting me to get my "Mojo" back (that was her excuse) but really to have an excuse for the feelings and or actions that she was taking.

So, now. She has cleaned me out of her Instagram (at least the recent pictures of 2014). She has unfriended me on foursquare, and doesn't follow me on twitter.

My gut feel is that she just was hurting inside when she saw me, but maybe she didn't want people to see that she had a man. (she "accidentally" left her wedding ring at home on a work trip the beginning of May.

Sorry for the ramble everyone, i'm just putting stuff together and getting visibility.

1. My instability and neediness was more then she could handle during her own journey.
2. I wasn't there for her to be "her rock" which I was for our entire relationship
3. She made a choice, but my actions drove her away.
4. My avoiding treating my PTSD stuff (I was so afraid of facing that) made it so we couldn't communicate, and made it so she had to deal with my blow ups.

This is my fault. I probably will never get my marriage back, and I need to accept that.

It [censored] when you realize, that there wasn't an evil ex, when it was just you being broken....

[Ben2010]

She pressured me into "open relationship" not because of her wanting me to get my "Mojo" back (that was her excuse) but really to have an excuse for the feelings and or actions that she was taking.

She would have done this with or without your consent. In her current state of mind, what you say doesnt carry much weight with her.


So, now. She has cleaned me out of her Instagram (at least the recent pictures of 2014). She has unfriended me on foursquare, and doesn't follow me on twitter.

This doesnt mean anything. You need to stop looking for things like this ASAP. This will help you detach and start concentrating on yourself.

My gut feel is that she just was hurting inside when she saw me, but maybe she didn't want people to see that she had a man. (she "accidentally" left her wedding ring at home on a work trip the beginning of May.

Mindreading. You do this quite a bit and need to let it go.

1. My instability and neediness was more then she could handle during her own journey.
2. I wasn't there for her to be "her rock" which I was for our entire relationship
3. She made a choice, but my actions drove her away.
4. My avoiding treating my PTSD stuff (I was so afraid of facing that) made it so we couldn't communicate, and made it so she had to deal with my blow ups.

What are your plans for ad[/b]dressing each of these? Be solution oriented and dont just list the problems. Take a serious look at each one and figure out what the [b]solution is going to be.

This is my fault. I probably will never get my marriage back, and I need to accept that.

Are you really giving up this quickly??? You just started DBing and you sound defeated already. Man up and get your act together here. You want to be the rock for your W? Then do it. Anyone can give up and take the easy way out. The rock would stand up and fight for his W.

Youre off to the start of a bad day based on the way you are posting here. Do something fun today and clear your mind. Dont sit around and be depressed because of what is going on. That isnt going to help you at all. If you need to break down, then break down, but get yourself up and start working towards your goals. You can do this man.

[pilot]

^^^^What Ben said!

[BigMac]

What I have been doing is
1. Going to IC, getting treatment for PTSD and other traumas
2. Cutting the rope, breaking my co-dependancy on her.
3. Getting a life, that is independent of her.

Also, I had a big shock today. I got a credit card statement in the mail. Apparently she opened one up before the downward spiral, and ran it up big time. There is no legal separation paperwork, so I am on the hook for half, though it is only money.

The thing is, she had done this once before, years ago and ran because of it. We worked through it together, and it was the closest we had ever been.

I fear that that guilt of the credit cards, plus coming off the antidepressants plus the new job and city was all to much. I guess I am just saying that it is to much for me right now. I just want to curl up in to a ball and have this all be over. I also worry that my W will be defined by her compulsions for the rest of her life, and will not grow through this crap.

Sorry about being negative, but it's just been a really rough day (Monday is the W's birthday...)

[chip247]

Stay strong Bigmac, I have made many of the same mistakes as you but as long as we learn from them all is not lost.
Things may seem dark atm but they can quickly change as I have seen from reading other members stories.
This is for us a journey to becoming a better person... or as I think of it 'a bigger man'

[BigMac]

Sorry for being so down guys. Today is the W's birthday. She will be 33 today, and yes I am sad that I don't get to celebrate this with her. I am doing my best to cut the rope. Holidays / Birthdays are hard.

Aside from when I was activated for war, this is the first time in 14 years that I haven't done something special for my W on this day. This is the first time in 14 years that I haven't been able to look into her eyes and see the my soulmate growing older with me. This is the first time in 14 years that I can't share in the joy of maturing together.

So yes, I am sad. I miss my friend. I miss my soulmate. I miss my wife. I miss my partner (even though the past couple years she hasn't been acting as one) I accept that not missing her, not loving her is the only way to have a chance of building something new. But I can't ignore the fact that it breaks my heart.

So yes. My logical mind is telling me that this is normal. That she needs to find herself and finish the maturation process. My logical mind says this is necessary and we will come out stronger on the other side. My logical mind says that she will learn valuable lessons being out on her own (Balancing finances, understanding that most men only want one thing, Valuing family as well as freedom).

My heart however just misses my soulmate, misses the little kind things that she used to do for me. My heart misses my W. And all I can do is accept that those feelings are normal, and let them pass while getting a life.

Top GAL activities yesterday
1. Continued flying lessons - Progressing nicely
2. Learned the basics for swing dancing last night, I can't believe how sore my muscles are after this.
3. I un-followed my W on twitter (we both have 1000's of twitter followers, and this is a huge deal to un-follow her back.


So, activities for the day.
1. Packing for a 2 week trip. Hitting San Diego, Austin, Portland and Seattle.
2. Taking S8 to Great America with some friends
3. Getting to sleep early to catch a 6:30 flight Monday for work.
4. Finishing the book co-dependant no more
5. Meditating to start the day.

I'm trying. I'm working on

[asat82]

I'm fairly new here, but I understand exactly what you are saying with the just missing her, I went through the same thing with birthday and holidays and V-day, and really hadn't read the books at that time frame, and it's easy to fall back into that type of thinking, but just think how positive things will be if you continue to fix yourself and give her the time to find herself as well. I know how bad it hurts to go through these times, but it's ok to think about these things, just pick yourself up and do something positive for yourself when these thoughts cross your mind. Stick with the process!

[pilot]

BigMac,

I hate to hear you are having a tough time right now. You seem to have a good handle on what you need to do, but 2x4 time on DETACHING. The only reason today is tough (birthday) is because YOU have made this day out to be important. It does not have to be anything but a normal day. Even if you were in a strong M, the world would not end if you did not do something for her today, but next week, or next month. It is just symbolic because you have made it that way. I am sure you would give up 1 birthday for a lifetime with her. And for that reason, you need to detach.

Being in this funk does not help you mentally, emotionally, or even physically. And it certainly will creep into your interactions with her and facilitate making mistakes you would not make if you were detached. I know it is tough buddy, we have all been there. Focus your mind on other aspects of your life and force yourself not to dwell on what she is doing, what day it is for her, or anything about her at this point. I am not suggesting quit loving her. I am suggesting taking that love, stick it in a box, put it on the shelf, and go get it once you and your W are at the point you need it again. You will find by reading the success stories here, most of the ones who have the greatest success and quickest success are those who detached quickly, and to the point their spouse thought they had truly moved on. That should be your encouragement and motivation for working on this.

Best of luck to you!

[BigMac]

Thanks Pilot,

You are right, I am in a bit of a funk. This sounds crazy, but as I move on and go through the process of detachment I start to feel mad at her. I start to see her as flawed, vs on the pedestal I had her on. I hate myself a lot less then I did 6 weeks ago.

I am worried that I am just distracting myself, vs healing. I am scared that if I see her for how she is really acting that I won't want her back. Instead of having anxiety about her, I'm having anxiety about me.

After 14 years, I am only me. It is scary to know that I need to be ok on my own. And I think it is really scary to realize that I will survive, and I will thrive. I will be a good dad, a good person, and a good partner (To who I have no clue).

That thought, when for 14 years I defined myself as a Husband and Father scares me, I get depressed when I think of it. I need to get through it, but it doesn't change how hard it is.

I hope this doesn't sound crazy, and I am not sure if this is a normal part of the process.