Dealing with WAW Part 2

[Anders]

I waited about 5 minutes, went outside with a plate broke off a leafy branch from the landscape, grabbed some pine straw and a pine cone on the plate and took a picture. I texted her the picture with the caption "in honor of you".

I burst out laughing when I read this. Well done! Confidence shining through.

[Ben2010]

Our texting frequently has subsided ever since my son said we were meeting a 'friend' for dinner

For Now. Thats all, I bet anything they will start increasing again. She had the initial confusion with thinking you had someone else, but then comes the phase of making sure that you are still there for her.

I also liked the picture you sent her LOL. Very clever and not over the top like pursuit. These are the little things that leave a lasting impression on them. Good job man and keep it up, you got this!

[pilot]

For Now. Thats all, I bet anything they will start increasing again. She had the initial confusion with thinking you had someone else, but then comes the phase of making sure that you are still there for her.

I also liked the picture you sent her LOL. Very clever and not over the top like pursuit. These are the little things that leave a lasting impression on them. Good job man and keep it up, you got this!

Not sure I'd say I've got this by any means. Our communication will undoubtably turn more confrontational over the school issue during the next week. So much for progress!

[sandi2]

Both of you are using the schools as the major issue. I don't agree with that, but it's not my life. When the kids are older, they may resent the fact that their preschool cost the absence of both parents in the home. And if your father foots the bill this year, what happens if you aren't able next year? I know you are confident you will, but one never knows. I'm just saying you are putting a heavy price on which school to start. It just seems having a chance for a solid home life with both parents living with them should be more important.

During her conversation she used phrases like "depending on our plans" (referring to me and her) and asking questions like "are you thinking we would both rent places close to <the school near me>?

To me, it sounds as if she is wanting you to tell her something, without her asking.

Neither of you know where the other one stands in this stitch. You want to know if she's finished with OM, and it sounds as if she's wanting to know where she would live if she move to your town. The real issues are not about which school the kids attend in the months ahead, but the status of the M.

How did you respond to her question above?

[pilot]

As always sandi, you are on the mark.

It just seems having a chance for a solid home life with both parents living with them should be more important.

IF, and a big IF, I thought there was a better than average chance at R the M, then yea, I would prob soften my stance on even living in her town for a short period of time. However, as is commonly referred to here, no timeline setting. Some people have been DBing for years, and have even been successful after that period of time. Some quicker. But I do not even have a handle if my M can even be saved. I have seen progress yes. But that progress can mean anything from she is wanting to just be friends after the D to she is having second thoughts and wants to work on the M. I wont bother speculating on it because it would be mind reading.

To me, it sounds as if she is wanting you to tell her something, without her asking.

Neither of you know where the other one stands in this stitch. You want to know if she's finished with OM, and it sounds as if she's wanting to know where she would live if she move to your town. The real issues are not about which school the kids attend in the months ahead, but the status of the M.

It really DOES feel as if she was trying to say something, or more to the point, wanted me to say something. And I am not even suggesting she was wanting to say she wants to work on the marriage or wants to reconcile. It just seems as if she wants clarification on where I stand or even just what I am doing. She probably has a lot of unanswered questions because of my GAL, PMA, and the possibility of me even 'dating' someone else. I do not know where I stand in the situation because of DB and the rules. So for that reason, I will not broach the subject.

And yes, she DOES have concerns of where she would live if she moved here. She does not have the money to do it. Or even if she did get the money to do it, how would she support herself. One of the problems is I believe, is her expectation of lifestyle. People get by on a lot less than she would be making with a lot greater expenses needing to be met. I am not suggesting by any means living here would be easy for her. But I am not going to, at least while the D is pending, offer to do anything (per advice of L) The laws in the state where our D is pending say we have not been married long enough to entitle her to any alimony or maintain her standard of living. That does not mean a judge would not require short term assistance. But if it came to the point where it went before a judge, we would cross that bridge when we got there.

I cannot answer the question for her as to where or how she would live if she relocated here. She is an adult and those are questions for her to answer. If she asks me directly, then yes, I will get involved. Until then, it is not my place to figure it out for her.

[pilot]

On a separate note, W has been texting me this morning. More benign 'non essential' texts. Where she is going to have lunch...things like that. She also said she will come into town here on Wednesday to look at the school (I suggested she tour the school a few days ago, and I would go up to her place and tour schools there)

So at least there is still positive interaction...

[Meghan]

It really DOES feel as if she was trying to say something, or more to the point, wanted me to say something. And I am not even suggesting she was wanting to say she wants to work on the marriage or wants to reconcile. It just seems as if she wants clarification on where I stand or even just what I am doing. She probably has a lot of unanswered questions because of my GAL, PMA, and the possibility of me even 'dating' someone else. I do not know where I stand in the situation because of DB and the rules. So for that reason, I will not broach the subject.

It might be worth anticipating some of these questions and how you'd answer them, just in case she gives in and asks them. Being blindsided by an unexpected question might make it harder to answer in a way that's beneficial for you.

[pilot]

Thanks Meghan. I intend to answer her question with a question. IF she asks what I am thinking about our R, I will ask her to tell me what SHE is thinking. As long as she starts, and I can get a handle on where she is, I can decide at that point how many of my cards to show. There is no point in showing the 'bluff' of detach and moving on if she still has no intention of working on the M. It would just set me back to the beginning. Or so that is how I see it.... Maybe someone else has another idea?

[Meghan]

I think a question with a question is a great idea, if you think she'll go ahead and respond when you turn it back on her. I only say that because I know my H would get really annoyed with that approach (he has before, and for much lesser things), but if your W wouldn't be bothered, it seems to be the best way to get the info you need and it leaves you with a great deal of control.

[pilot]

I would think if my W was at the point of wanting to discuss R, she will have something, even if small, she would want to contribute. If all she wanted was to know what I was thinking, and had nothing to contribute, then I lose nothing by not talking.