The support on this forum is unbelievable. I wish I could offer more to you all but just reading the above stories is heart warming. We're with you Claire in your heart!
M 35 W 31 D 10 Married 3 years Together 11 Single since Nov 13 Moved out Dec 13 ILYBNILWY, 'I don't want to be a boring housewife, 'I don't fancy you any more' OM confirmed Jun 14
H was wearing his ring when he was in the house this morning to see D, but not this afternoon when he came to take her for a sleepover at his house. (He didn't think he would see me). Trying not to think about it too much, or what it means for his life away from me (is he dating? has he decided this is 100% completely over?) but just an observation.
Met up with one of my oldest and dearest friends tonight. We've known each other since Kindergarten. She said that she thinks I am happier and healthier than I've ever been. That this experience has changed me in such a positive way. It was such an amazing validation.
Here's where I'm struggling: If I want to officially DB, I probably need some coaching, because I'm not sure the best approach. I haven't really tried anything besides just being pleasant and friendly. And while he's softened a bit (using my name in emails, wishing me a good weekend, and not just with my D3), taking his ring off seems like a pretty big negative sign.
But after 6 months of consistent positive change on my end, do I even want to DB my M? (I will continue the changes for myself, no question). I just don't know if I should bother attempting any experiments, or just resign myself to keeping things as is. Do I send him a letter explaining where I'm at right now?
It's late... not sure if I'm even making sense! Just trying to put thoughts in some kind of order. But maybe someone out there has some helpful insights. Thanks.
Keep doing what works for now. Do not send any letters. And do not read anything into the ring thing. The fact that he wore it period should be considered a positive sign. So do not fret that he does not wear it all the time. Think about it....some is better than none...be happy with what you have.
Do not quit DBing based on your current feelings. You know those feelings will come and go. You committed to this effort a long time ago and have come a long way. No point in quitting now.
Best of luck!
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
Haven't decided yet. The last few days have been emotional. I had lunch with my mil the other day. I haven't had one on one time with her since BD, almost 9 months ago. I used to see her every week and we were fairly close. I miss her and her whole family (my H's extended family) very much.
So.... I walked away from lunch feeling blessed-- we had a great conversation, she opened up to me a bit about my H (but not about her D). She gave me a great hug, told me how much she loves me and basically that she doesn't want this to happen. She asked me whether, if It came to a point where he wanted to work on things, if *I* could put everything behind me. I said I thought I could. I basically told her the things I've wanted to tell my H. And she responded positively...or at least neutrally. I think she walked away with a different perspective, at least somewhat. She has a lot of influence over him. So who knows what will happen next.
but he has his own path to follow, and a lot of work to do on himself, so it is not up to me.
I haven't decided about coaching. I did some a while ago, and I need to be clear about what I want out of it before I spend that kind of $ again. My biggest confusion still is how to handle co-parenting in a DB way with someone who Is not adversarial, but wants to keep the parenting schedule totally flexible. I still feel so stuck on what to say to him that won't come off sounding petty or spiteful. But it is like he doesn't want to have the reality of this situation... life as a D parent is not as flexible. SIGH.
Feeling sad today. Part of the scheduling questions are about spending vacation with his family, and another weekend with his friends. I'm still grieving the loss of closeness in those relationships and missing time with my D.
Claire, I hear you on how emotional you can feel during the process. Don't try to avoid the feelings as the more you do, the harder it is to heal. I'm not saying I have it down as it is something I am working on. I just ask God for strength to deal with the pain and hurt. It's sad that the WAS don't realize how hard it is to deal with the losses that come with D. Guess they see it at a good thing? I don't understand but it is their journey to go through. Hang in there
Me 34 M 2.5 (Both 2nd M) My kids-D 17,S 16,S 12 BD 2/14 D final 7/2014
Claire, I'm so glad you got to spend time with your MIL. Also that she's a person you care about & respect. My mom & my MIL are both people I struggle with. A friend used to call the judgmental voices in her head her "committee," and how she had to be more selective about who she lets on her committee. Neither my mom nor my MIL are allowed on my committee. I wish they could be. So I'm glad you got that time with yours and that it was kind.
It's interesting to me how different aspects of DBing resonate differently to all of us. For me, leaving H alone, detaching, and self-discovery seem to be the most important tools. You seem to gravitate more to the self-discovery/improvement and how you present yourself to your H. Thornton did a full LRT (tough stuff). GoatGal has a wide assortment of tools but GAL looks like her biggest tactic.
I wonder what might happen if you tried a different angle on your DBing? If co-parenting a little more strictly might change the way he sees you, and gives you more authority and self-confidence? Flexibility is mainly giving you resentment, which won't get you very far. Does that make it a cheeseless tunnel?
You seem like such a lovely, gentle person from here. I am so sorry it was a rough day for you. Your H is crazy to miss noticing how lovingly you treat others.
It is hard to send our kids off to do things we used to enjoy that we've been evicted from. Summer and holidays make that extra hard. What have you gained since he left? Besides your PMA and moving away from depression? What tangible benefits and relationships have you gained or enhanced as part of your personal growth? You gave me great encouragement the other day about the value of this experience. I'm going to guess your healing retreat was one thing... What else?
You are always on the short list of named people in my prayers. I hope you are OK soon. Hugs to you...
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I wonder what might happen if you tried a different angle on your DBing? If co-parenting a little more strictly might change the way he sees you, and gives you more authority and self-confidence? Flexibility is mainly giving you resentment, which won't get you very far. Does that make it a cheeseless tunnel?
Thanks for this great suggestion. I am working hard, in all relationships, to put some boundaries on my flexibility. I am allowed to say, "I'm sorry, I'm not available" without justifying it. I am allowed to say, "These are the times I am available" without giving any other explanation. I'm trying that with friends, with colleagues, with family, etc. It's helping.
So, I am going to set some boundaries. Even if I have nothing else but laundry and watching some TV on my agenda for my time, I am allowed to say, "I'm sorry, I'm not available to switch." That time is important for me to recharge, to take a break from being a mom, etc. Just because I don't have "plans" doesn't mean I don't need or deserve that time.
Quote:
You seem like such a lovely, gentle person from here. I am so sorry it was a rough day for you. Your H is crazy to miss noticing how lovingly you treat others.
Maybell, thank you very much for this. I tear up every time I read it, and I have read and re-read it many times. I am grateful for your presence on this board.
Good for you on protecting your personal space! I'm proud of you -- that's so hard to do without justification. I look forward to hearing how things are different for you as you grow more comfortable maintaining your boundaries.
Thank you for sharing that my words have done you some good. I have felt like such a taker here, and you have been particularly comforting. It is a relief to know I can return the warmth a little bit.
Be well, Claire!!
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I'm about to send a serious boundary-setting email regarding parenting schedule. It's going to pi$$ him off, I'm pretty sure. It's probably going to push him further away. I haven't decided whether I care or not. The alternative makes me feel resentful, and also makes me feel like I am walking on eggshells. Not working for me.
Here we go. I haven't asserted myself like this around him in a while.
