My confusing story

[pilot]

I'm going through the goal setting chapter in DB. I'm struggling with this, even though I know stuff that I want to change, I would like H to add to what his perception of me should change. H won't tell me any reason why he wants out...ILYBNILWY, I'm unhappy and I don't find you attractive. When I've asked why, his response is " I knew you were going to ask that" then he shuts down.

Do not ask him this. DB and making the changes are for you, not for him. Besides, he is most likely not going to give you a straight answer, and any efforts you do make, he will see as simply an attempt to win him back. You need to identify things you can change about yourself, and do them. He will notice. It might take a little time, but he will. And when he does, it will mean a whole lot more than if you ask him, he tells you, then you do it.

[Atsbaby]

Thank you for the advice. I have asked a couple times and you are right, the response has been very vague and not helpful!

I have begun changing things: keeping a better house, losing weight and exercising. I'm trying to GAL, but this is hard when all your friends are married with kids, no one to really go out with in the evenings ( not that I really could since I ALWAYS have the kids), and building a really strong relationship with my kids. I'm staying as positive as I can around H. I don't engage in his attempts to argue and have stopped initiating conversations with him.

I understand this is a marathon and I must have patience. When this happened 3 years ago, it was a quick turn around. Obviously too quick since we are here again. My LC and I broke down our R and she feels he has not come out of MLC yet...that means we are only at year 3 of who knows how many!

[Atsbaby]

Ok, so I want to know if I'm doing stuff right or if he's just living in his fog.

3 weeks ago H told me that he felt awkward in the house. Backstory...he stays at a "friends house" at night and has since 5/4. When H talked to his atty about the divorce, it was discussed that he wanted 50/50 custody. To not appear to have "abandoned" his family, H wants a schedule created before moving out. H comes home from work around 6/6:30 and leaves about 9/10. Kids are usually outside playing and H is inside with me.

Football just started for s10. I take him to practice and H meets us there, but then comes over after practice. H was out of town last week and said he would get me a schedule for kids before he left. Nothing has been brought up since and neither has R or D conversations. I don't want to guess what he's doing, but is this normal for WAS to want out so badly and then fall through with actual plans? I don't want H to move out, but technically he already has.

[Atsbaby]

Just need to vent!

I'm going to a coworkers wedding this weekend, that WE were supposed to attend. It has been turned into a girls outing. We decided to stay the night, in another city, but really not far from home.

H was too me,me,me last night so at midnight I get a text asking for my plans. I don't answer until this morning, telling H I need to leave the house by 12:30, so he needs to be here for the kids. He immediately texts back when will you be back? Does it really matter? Spend the weekend with the kids!! It's the least you can do since you left us!

I really need this break...stinks that it IS a wedding, but I'll be ok.

[Atsbaby]

So I went to my coworkers wedding. It was emotional for me throughout different events, but I did enjoy myself.

When I left, I told kids that I would call to tell them goodnight. Called the house at 10:45- no answer. Left them a message. Continued to party with friends.

I return to my room and see this text:

-No call?? I thought you told the kids you would?
- I thought you told the kids you would call
- well, hope you are having fun.

I did not respond for 2 hours,mostly cause I did not have my phone
I responded with I left a message on the house phone.

H: oh,ok. I did not check the house phone
H: I just figured you got caught up in all the dancing, alcohol, guys and friends...lol
M: lol
H: well I wasn't really joking but the lol made it sound better
M: I was aware of everything
H: what's that supposed to mean?
H: haha, nm, I probably don't want to know
H: or is there something I should know
M: no worries, goodnight ( I had to think the best way to db this, I wrote many responses and felt this was best)
H: hahaha, I don't know what that means
H:I'm just saying the same things you do...we are still married, so just asking ( which I haven't brought up ow in 3 weeks)
H: in case you decided to have someone back to ur room
M: I know we're married...goodnight

H continued on for a few more minutes, but I ignored him. Then an hour later he's texting about me going to the bank!

Even though he made me mad, it did put a smile on my face...he still truly cares. Baby step!

[Atsbaby]

After I had some much needed me time, I came home. H initiated conversation and we talked about random stuff. I may have told him too much about the wedding...should have left out more details, be mysterious!

H did tell me he thinks he doesn't like his job (started in February), but thinks it's more the actually thing he's doing, computer design work. H in grad school, not sure if this is the direction he is wanting either. Again seeking for that lost happiness.

H left after an hour...what happened to wanting to be with the kids? And he wants 50% custody. When I asked the kids at dinner how their weekend was, H didn't even DO anything with them.

We get home from dinner and I've got a message on the answering machine from a realtor! H I string to be discreet, but he blew this one! I called H and he sent me straight to voicemail...not surprised. I was good, left a positive message regarding his message. Haven't heard back from him. This is not progressing the right direction!

[Atsbaby]

I've been reading a lot about MCL and believe my H is going through this. I haven't talked to my MIL since this started, Easter Sunday I believe. Should I contact her and see how he is relating to her?

[Atsbaby]

Really strange...H just called and asked if I needed him to come by the house for anything before S10 football practice. I said no, but then he said he wanted to make sure there wasn't something he needed to do or anything...wtf? Then proceeded to tell me he was working late. Apparently this detaching thing is working in some factor, or he's coming up with a cover story to check out a house, since his realtor called last night!

[Atsbaby]

Hi,
Any thoughts about me contacting my MIL?

[Ss06]

No! Don't contact his family or get them involved in any way. DB specifically states to not try to appeal to family members while LRT .