WAH with OW/EA - advice wanted! :)

[artsy]

^^ I don't think PMs work. They discourage us having contact outside the board. (If u think about it, it makes sense. I'm guessing many people would lean on someone else here because we're all facing the same pain, and then one thing leads to another, and... Not very interested in fixing my M because I found this other person who knows the pain I'm feeling and we're never gonna treat each other that way, etc.)

It would be great to have a real convo with some people on here. Not sure what the rules are on the Facebook page.

[LisaB]

Hi artsy, Yeah you are probably right about the PMs leading to trouble!

How are you doing today? I am feeling blah. Every day I wake up thinking "oh I hope today H realizes what he is missing" but I know I will just be disappointed.

I'm really working hard on the rest of my life though and doing well at it but I still feel that sad emptiness. I hate that feeling. I try to make myself feel better thinking he might be feeling it too not talking to me and seeing me every day as usual...

Today I came across his photo and felt oddly detached. Like "who is that?"

Hope everyone is having a great day!
love, Lisa

[cq1]

You know Lisa, that empty sad feeling is part of what we all are fighting for to overcome. Wether together with S or not we must better ourselves and get our selves happy and that empty sad feeling will dissipate. What we have us time and patience.
GG's post is full of valuable insights and suggestions on this journey of ours. Thank you GG. The support here is great.
Be strong Lisa. We all are rooting for you. Have a nice day.
(Never though about pm the way Artsy did, but it make sense.)

[LisaB]

Just another little update. I spoke with H today and he said he found a long term apartment (minimum 1 yr lease). Not sure what this means for our future together but it doesn't disturb me as much as it seems it should.

He seems to have been laying low, I don't think he is dating the OW but maybe he is planning to in the future. I'm not sure. We had a casual conversation that was almost like normal. I feel like I should be staying out of contact so he misses me but then I feel like I am being so rude not replying to him...

He's coming by the house (which he is now calling "your house") today to pick up some things. I am not sure if he thinks I will be here but I plan to be out. I don't want to deal with the awkwardness.

I was feeling quite strong earlier in the week but yesterday and today have been very sad and missing him a lot. I wish there was a crystal ball or magic bullet for this situation.

Hope everyone else is having a good one!
Hugs, Lisa

[LisaB]

Hi all, just another small update. I just got confirmation that indeed my H is sleeping with the EA/OW, and has been doing so intensely since he moved out last week.

I'm not sure how to absorb this new information.

He seems to be "moving on" very fast, of course he has known her (they work together) for many months but to jump from our M bed to hers seems quick.

Does anyone have advice for me and how to handle this? Of course I am not planning to say anything to him, but should this change my attitude or behavior in the way I interact with him? Should I be harsher to him - ask him to move his stuff out of my house for example?

Of course I will continue to GAL and detach but what else should I do? Advice is welcomed!

Hope everyone is having a better day than I am.
Hugs, Lisa

[cq1]

Hi Lisa, Im so sorry to hear this. When I found out about my W having an A, I lost it and a huge flow of anger came charging out. Looking back, they don't care about how you feel. They're in their own world. My advice is for you to be calm. Give yourself some time to figure out what's the best plan for you. What you can handle and deal with. He's already moved out and moved on so what you say to him will probably wont even get recognized. What I gathered from reading these forums about A is that they usually don't last. Six months is the norm I believe. Correct me if I am wrong vets. Based on how I handled my initial reaction, I advice you to be patient and NOT give H a reason for his actions. This is what I say to myself every morning "No reason, no reason, give her no reason for her to justify her action." Sometimes I do slip and she tries to justify it. I acknowledge her reasoning and if I think she's right, I would tell her I didn't see it that way and I understand. I sometimes, step back and look at the big picture...what I am fighting for...a future with someone I love now. We detach and GAL to strengthen ourselves to become happy with no matter what the outcome is. In the end, if we get our S back ( solely on their decision) great because we're a changed person that is happy. If we don't get our S back in the end then great we're a changed person that is happy. Remember, become a person that only a fool will leave. My thoughts are with you.

[LisaB]

Thank you cq1. You are so kind. Thank you for the words of wisdom.

I am just shocked I guess that this person whom I loved and trusted would do this. It seems so unlike him. Everyone who knows him/us says this. Who is this person?

I don't think it will last but maybe it will. I don't know if it matters. Is the damage already done? Can you ever trust that person again?

Of course I know it isn't about him at this point, it is all about me. I am doing my very best to be happy and content with my life but ... well, it is just a huge shock.

I'm not so sure I would want him to come back. My image of him is shattered. But then, do I be mean, friendly, distant... I have no clue what to do? I guess they say when you don't know what to do don't do anything. And be patent as you said cq1.

This [censored].

[Ggrass]

This is also my struggle. Do I actually want him the person not the the r back.

That answer changes day to day min to min. There is no hurry to decide.

[LisaB]

Hi Ggrass, No there is no hurry to decide and there is nothing we can really do right?

But I guess I just need to decide how to interact with him, what to do about our shared stuff etc. Do I tell him to get all his stuff out of the house? He doesn't know that I know about OW.

Do I just play it cool, do I be cold, do I be friendly? I have to decide what I want in the future in order to know how to behave now.

I do not plan to contact him, but so far he contacts me every few days saying hello. I was ignoring him for a while but then felt it made me seem angry and I wanted to seem cool. So I started being friendly back. But now I am not sure what is the best move.

I guess now I need to switch my thread over to the affairs section. This is no fun.

[SunnyB]

I have to decide what I want in the future in order to know how to behave now.

Lisa, I don't think you have to decide now. You can be pleasant and detached and go anywhere from there. You might R, you might be friends, you might never speak again, but if you conduct yourself with class now, that gives you options.

I agree that this is no fun. Hugs to you.