WAH with OW/EA - advice wanted! :)

[LisaB]

Hi Pilot,
Yeah and also sometimes it goes the other way! You are flirting and feeling all good about yourself and then the other person is not interested in you and you feel even worse than you did before! That's certainly happened to me.

Earlier when I went for my run I got a few whistles from random men on the street (nasty men, but still). :P Sometimes that is better than actual flirting because you don't need to engage.

Hope you are having a good day!
Hugs, Lisa

[cq1]

Hey Lisa, believe me, I know how you are feeling. I've been feeling the same too. Always thinking about S with OP. Sandi2 gave me a good point... You can't control what they do. It hurts but it's so true. I am so sorry that you are in this sitch. All the pleading and begging will not help one bit in changing their minds of coming back. I tried and my W didn't even budge. She just reiterated that the love is not there and she needed space and time to figure this out. Then I tried again and again and no avail. So this is what I am trying to tell you, what you're doing now, No Contact, it could be the best 180 for you now at this stage. I think this because your H is still expecting you to always be there. Hence, the frequent texts. My W doesn't even text me much at all unless something needs to be done or said. So you see, your sitch, at this point with the 180 may make H realize what he will be giving up. Now with all this time, better yourself and be someone only a fool would want to leave. We need to let them know that the decisions they make does have sacrifices...loosing someone who cares. Try And step back a bit when you feel like how you are feeling now and see the bigger picture. You're DBing and things are not the same anymore. You're on a path to giving it all you got to save your marriage even though the surest way is counterintuitive.

[LisaB]

Thanks cq1! You are so right.
I also tried the convincing and begging and promising to change and all that nonsense. All he said was that he didn't feel the same way about me as he used to and he wasn't motivated to work on the R. So it was pointless.

H is currently texting me but mostly to tell me things like when he wants to come by the house to pick up stuff. Not really to chat, unfortunately. But I agree that the only way to possibly turn this around is to stop reaching out to him, be less available and see if that makes him realize he misses me and do something about it. So for now it is out of my hands and I can only focus on taking care of myself.

Thanks again for the tips and support, I hope you have a good day. Be strong!
love, Lisa

[cq1]

Hey Lisa, you be strong too. Today my W and I had no contact. Usually I would call her but I didn't. It drove me crazy but I hung in there and did it. I came home and she was not home. Wanted to call her but still didn't. Space is the only thing I can give her now. We'll see how this turns out. As for you, I would try and keep busy. Get out if the house and do things. I had nothing much to do today, so I jumped in the truck and drove off. Went to Lowes and did some shopping. Then came back and I noticed she had brought down some grapes and fruits for me. Didn't call or text to say thank you at all. I will when we eventually see each other but really trying to detach. You must too. One day at a time. Cheers.

[LisaB]

Hi cq1, good for you! Sounds like you had a good, strong day. I am trying to take it day by day and just not contact him. Hopefully he will then have the chance to miss me instead of feeling I am boring and always around.
Luckily I have been super busy lately with work and friends so that helps.
The OW is the one thing driving me crazy but I try to tell myself there is nothing I can do about it so I should just ignore it.

I miss him and wish he'd call me but at the same time I do not really have that overwhelming need to contact him. I just feel sad.

I really hate those days when I feel hopeless and that there is no chance this will work out. Today is one of those days. I'll go out for some exercise later and hopefully will feel better.

Hugs!
Lisa

[cq1]

Hi Lisa, hang in there and try to keep busy. I know sometimes it burns because I am going through the same emotions. We both wish things could be back then with what we know now in how to better ourselves and R. Keep in mind it's their choice to have it like the way it is now. But it's our choice to be strong, happy, and learn from this hurdle life has dealt us. Whatever outcomes, we'll be stronger and more wise. Take care. I wanted to send you a private message but do you know how to do that?

[LisaB]

Hi cq1,
Thanks for your support. I am doing my best to hang in there and keep working on bettering myself as you say. So far so good. (I dont know anything about PMs!)

Today I had a huge bout of anger toward the WAH. I realized I have been busy blaming myself and feeling regretful for all the things I did wrong and wasn't really allowing myself to think about what he did wrong. Well, today I faced some of that and wrote it all down in a mean and hateful letter that I will never mail. I feel better, stronger after that. Of course immediately after that he sent me a chatty text message for the first time in 4 days! How is it that they seem to read your mind and feelings and know exactly when you are feeling over them so they can reel you back in?

I am doing my BEST not to answer. I am sure he just wants something from me, like to come by and get his stuff. So I figure if he wants that he can ask and otherwise I don't have much to say to him. Let him get angry. It's a 180 for me not to be helpful, friendly and available all the time. It really feels uncomfortable so it is probably the right thing to do.

Hope everyone else is having a good one. Hugs, Lisa

[cq1]

Hey Lisa, those emotions creeps up on me too. Sometimes I just want to give up but my love is too strong. Detaching, I know will make it easier. It's just hard to leave a world we( wife and I) built over 20 years. Do as I, and always try to focus on yourself. When these emotions come up, and I stop and think to myself, "why am I choosing to make myself feel sad? I can control that. It helps. DBers on this board gave me so much valuable insight that I am forever great full for. The thing I learned is that you can only control yourself on how you want to feel. The WAS is aloof and they are in their own journey. To D is much easier if you know you have tries everything you can. And that's what you are doing now. Please keep building courage and strength within yourself. Always remember, we have the time now. Hope this helps you, as it is helping me. ( I figured out how to use pm. Goto my stuff and click on edit preferences. There you can turn on pm. )

[GoatGal]

Hi Lisa,

Just wanted to chime in here after reading a bit of your story.

#1: Do NOT listen to a word he says!
He's saying this, that, and the other thing and it's making your head spin. WhatEVER he says, tell yourself "It's just words." Then forget it.
It's his mouth flapping but you don't have to listen.
This goes double for what you hear from other people. IGNORE THEM. They are simply rehashing the junk he tells them... it's all useless except to confuse and upset you.

Case in Point: He says he wants "space" and this turns into "He told his parents we are getting a divorce." Yikes. You poor thing.

#2: Pay no attention to what he DOES--like us, the best indicator of anything "real" is consistent action over time. Right now he's going to be all over the map.
Trying to figure it out will also make you crazy and you've got enough on your plate right now.

#3: Level of contact: Do what's best for YOU to keep your cool and always be able to present your best self. If it's uncomfortable and emotional and you don't think you can handle it, do yourself a favor and make yourself scarce.
You don't need to explain it to him, just--vacate. Do it for you.
He'll get over it.
If you don't know how to respond: Don't.
Or Wait until you do.
Timing is everything, as well as how you handle each interaction with him.
You want each encounter to be as positive as possible.
If you can't turn it to your advantage, wait until another time when you might have a better chance of making that happen.

#4: We all fall down on occasion. It's a lot of work to do this DBing. IF you do, don't beat yourself up. Just try again. Meanwhile, try to figure out which situations are going to push your buttons the most and either avoid them, or prep for them like mad.
Keep yourself under control around him as much as possible.
That goes for texts/emails...etc.

#5: NO snooping. I know we all "want" to know, and hopefully one day we will, but right now you know he's cheating and lying... there's nothing more to know.
Knowing where he is/what he's doing at any minute is more painful. Trust me, I know.
Best that you avoid contact if you're upset, and snooping WILL upset you.

#6: Vent here on this board instead of at him. He won't hear you anyway. He's clearly being an a**hat! Don't give him any ammunition to use against you. Don't engage with him. He wants you to act irrational, bitchy, nasty... because that will help him justify how he's treating you.
Kill 'em with kindness! It just takes the wind out of their sails.

#7: Conduct yourself in a way that will make you proud down the road. You'll know that no matter how awful he is, you acted with grace under pressure. That's priceless.

#8: You're stronger than you think. You're going to learn things you never wanted to know, but you're going to come out a better person at the end of this. That is a guarantee. Your H? Well, the jury is still out on him, but there may be hope for him yet.
Figure out what your boundaries are for how YOU will be treated.
"I will not be spoken to in a disrespectful manner" for example. It's not telling HIM what to do, he has the choice to do what he wants. But you don't have to listen to it!
Decide what the consequences will be, and assert yourself (less confrontation the better) when he crosses them.

#9: Read and post sandi's rules somewhere where he won't see them, but you can internalize them and put them into practice every single day. That will help you tremendously.

#10: Find a way to set small measurable, achievable goals for yourself and track your progress.
For example: When I first started I set the goal of "One week with no emotional blow-ups between us". I went 12 weeks before I had a slip up, but it never happened again.
(So far!)

I think you're doing a tremendous job so far, when this is so fresh and painful.

Stay strong!


--GG

[LisaB]

WOW GG! What an amazing list! This helps me so much!
I don't even know how to reply except to say you hit the nail on the head and are so right.

This whole DB thing is such a struggle against doing what you naturally want to do. It takes so much willpower but at the same time each step you take helps you to feel and be better. So it is rewarding in its own way.

Thank you so much for your advice and support GG and cq1. And I will see if I can turn on PMs.

Hope everyone has a good, strong day! Hoping the same for myself.
Hugs,
Lisa