I am the disposable quoter. We live in a culture where "go find happiness" and shiny and new are synonymous with *love* for many. Sad and true.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
No apology necessary. Like I said, I just was on a soapbox today. I've hopped off and stuck the landing:-)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Regarding forgiveness... If he begins doing what's necessary to reconcile, I'm thinking the forgiveness will happen. Because what he'll have to do to get there will be big enough to make that kind of difference for you.
And if he doesn't, I suspect that seeing how his life plays out will make it unnecessary to forgive him because you will have moved into a place where it won't be needed for your own healing.
My IC today said "When it's all over, you will be ok. And if you're not ok, it's not over."
My D11 is one of a group of six close friends on the West Coast. Before my H left she and one other girl were the only two of the six that came from families whose parents were still married to one another. Most weren't amicable. The beauty of those situations was how loving and supportive the girls were to one another. They valued one another's differences. They were kind. We've been gone eighteen months on the opposite coast and they still matter to one another. (Electronics help). It's not what I would choose for my children, but if they can weather this change to their lives with that kind of generosity and caring then perhaps that makes it a little better.
As the LBS's we have to find the good cards in the hands we were dealt. Perhaps our kids will be fortunate to have committed spouses in great marriages, but lose everything in a tornado, or a financial crisis, or the zombie apocalypse? Or their child gets cancer, or global warming tips into an environmental catastrophe? Your daughter will have been fortunate to be blessed with a loving, compassionate mother who taught her strength and grace and self-respect. Because you weathered this catastrophe she will have the skills to weather hers.
As the wonderful John Lennon pointed out, life is what happens when we're busy making other plans.
Just to remind you... I've had bad days like yours. Recently. This morning was rough. This evening is better. Labug reminded me the other day that these rough days are sometimes a stepping stone to a better place, and I think she's right.
I'm getting by with a little help from my friends. (even though John didn't sing that one)
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
One last thing... As I'm sharing my story with my friends, I'm hearing some amazing stories.
My great-aunt & uncle were married and had three kids in the 40's, then got divorced. Were divorced six years, remarried, and had two more kids. They were married more than fifty years until my great-uncle died.
My SIL has a dear friend who had six kids with her H. They divorced when the youngest one was about four. My SIL never understood why. But about five years ago they remarried one another and are still acting like newly weds.
The parents of one of my good friends divorced when she was nine. Three months after the D was finalized her mom met and promptly married her second husband, had two more kids with him, and called him the love of her life till he died 35 years later.
Another friend told me the story of a relative whose husband had an affair and left her. She struggled at first but ultimately (within a small number of years that probably felt long as she lived it) found happiness for herself that included a great career and a very happy second marriage. Years later she encountered the former OW (long since dumped) in a waiting room. The OW began apologizing profusely and the wife said, don't apologize. You did me a huge favor. (It's not nice to note that the husband realized his mistake years later, after the wife remarried. He never did, and ended up dying alone of cancer.)
My brother told me several stories of couples he knows who managed to reunite after a few months' separation and were happier in the reunions than they had been in the failed marriages.
The message is that these stories ended differently... But they all ended happily.
Yours will too.
You get to decide that.
Last edited by Maybell; 07/08/1403:09 AM.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Thanks, everyone. I can't express how much the support of this forum means to me.
I had a long conversation with a good friend tonight... and I think I've reached a new step (Thanks, Maybell and Labug!). I'm not completely dropping the rope, but I think I am ready to get some new things going in my life-- exercise, meditation and rekindling a hobby are on the list.
Claire, hope its a great day. don't know if we ever get the answers we are looking for...
our spouses can only do what they can do. We would like them to do more,
I said to h what will he say when our oldest decides someday to get married...? h doesn't know.
the gift of my 23 years with h are my children. That is pure happiness. I know I am doing my best. It is all I can control
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
(even though John didn't sing that one)