Georgiabelle-- thank you. Yes, I have come such a long way-- every area of my life has improved-- family, friends, colleagues, my D. Every single day I have a moment when I realize how the old me would have reacted or felt-- negatively, judgemental, or anxious-- and how I don't feel that way any more. Every. Single. Day.
I have the second half of my life to live in lightness.
And I am angry-- so angry today-- that my H won't join me for it. I know he has his issues. I do have compassion for him for his lack of hope and imagination or belief in my or his capacity to change.
And I am also angry at what his weakness is costing me. It is costing me a lot. Today, I don't know how to get past that. That doesn't mean I won't figure that out. But this is where I am at today.
Georgiabelle-- thank you. Yes, I have come such a long way-- every area of my life has improved-- family, friends, colleagues, my D. Every single day I have a moment when I realize how the old me would have reacted or felt-- negatively, judgemental, or anxious-- and how I don't feel that way any more. Every. Single. Day.
I have the second half of my life to live in lightness.
And I am angry-- so angry today-- that my H won't join me for it. I know he has his issues. I do have compassion for him for his lack of hope and imagination or belief in my or his capacity to change.
And I am also angry at what his weakness is costing me. It is costing me a lot. Today, I don't know how to get past that. That doesn't mean I won't figure that out. But this is where I am at today.
"how does someone just walk away so easily without even entertaining the possibility of reconciliation? How do you just plop yourself down in the living room one day and say, "I'm done" and walk out the door forever?"
If we knew the answer to this, we'd be rich! It is a mystery to me as well. I know we're not supposed to spend our time trying to figure it out but it just seems so unexplainable. On a random Saturday in December (while we were in the living room, no less!) my H was being short with me so I asked him why he was so cranky.. he replied "I'm not happy with our marriage." The next day I downloaded a Jon Gottman book for us to read and talk though (seems like less pressure than counseling, I thought), he read two chapters, and declared "All of the examples of people who get divorced sound like us, so there's no point in trying to figure this out" and said counseling and reading books would be a waste of time and money and just get my hopes up for nothing, because nothing would change. So, one day of "trying" and two chapters of a book read is enough effort, I guess It is hard because of how this affects us. We can tell ourselves not to let it bring us down but ultimately it does affect us negatively in so many ways - financially, logistically, living arrangements, relationships with kids and other family members, just having a companion you though would be there for you... it's OK to be angry. I don't really have advice but just wanted to time in that I feel so similar in how sad and angry it is that they can just walk away seemingly randomly with no effort. I wonder if he thinks our M should be like how he got his last job... someone walks down the hallway and says "Hey, I can tell you're really unhappy with your current boss... you can come work for me and I'll give you a raise!"
Me:30 H:29, no kids T:12, M:4 (when D was final) 12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore" 6/14: Separated (I move) 1/15: H filed for D 5/15: D final
Just reading back all the great posts on this thread from claire, ggrass, maybell, kgirl....
The parts about detaching and feeling stronger, while watching our Hs continue to travel down their respective paths of--what? "Happiness"? "Freedom"? "Into the Abyss" is more like it.
They're trying to capture something which is not real, they're chasing a mirage...
So this is why I have the feeling that we're the ones who will come out ahead, while they will wake up one day and realize they're the losers.
I read these stories and I'm struck by the strength and growth I find among the people here.
It feels good on one hand, and so sad on the other. We're growing, expanding, and getting better, and our Hs are mostly left behind.
I wonder if they will ever catch up?
---GG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
My H just won't see it. His own dad left his mom for another woman when he and his brother were very young (just about the same age as our D is now). They are still married, but my H has absolutely no R with his step mom or any of her children, even though they have been in his life since he was little. We didn't even invite those step-siblings to our wedding. He got to see his dad maybe once during the week and on weekends, and maybe once/year on vacation. They stayed fairly amicable, and I respect them both for that-- but even still, it affected him. Even when planning our wedding, their D was a factor (names on invites, seating arrangements, etc etc).
He refuses to accept that his parent's D had any negative impact on him, which fuels his own resolve. (Hey, I turned out fine, so will my D3, as long as I am present in her life). (And he is, unless he gets an invite for a special event--several times a month-- or isn't feeling well, also several times a month. ). Sigh.
I so want to say something snarky about our H's abilities to avoid the truth. But I won't.
I totally agree with you ladies. I even asked him about six weeks ago if he felt like he had REALLY done everything he could to make the marriage work. He sputtered a little bit, then said no, then immediately said "but this is what I feel is the right thing to do."
He told me on Mother's Day that I shouldn't "throw our vows back in his face" because he couldn't be expected to stick to a promise that he made sixteen years ago.
That right there is Quality.
Oh, I guess I got snarky anyway.
Claire, I think you need a weekend like GoatGal's. Get your mojo back in a big way and remember what you can DO with the light. KGirl, I've been meaning to ask you about Vegas!
(and I think maybe I need to schedule a girls' weekend...)
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Maybell-- I think you're right. A weekend like that sounds good!
I had another thought (full of thoughts today!)... Here I am wanting so much to save a marriage that I wasn't happy in! It sounds crazy. But, when I read MWD, or 5LL, or even Carol Dweck's work on Mindset with regards to love and relationships, I feel like there are lots of people out there who believe in change. But my H won't, and his friends and family don't seem to believe in change either.
Someone on this thread (GoatGal, I think?) mentioned our disposable culture. I think that's it. We are just not accustomed to working on fixing things at the first sign that they are not working perfectly. We just throw them away and get new ones. Hell, we throw stuff away even if they ARE working perfectly, just to get new ones!
I'm so sad for all our children. They deserve better. My friends tell me, "don't worry, in a few years she will have lots of friends whose parents are divorced." My heart breaks when I hear that. How is that something to feel good about in any way? How do we feel ok that it's become so normalized? I have taught so many students who have been damaged in so many small and big ways by their parents' divorces. Even the ones who seem "ok" with it are still hurting. Blended families, new half-siblings, step-parents, the logistics of going back and forth, splitting holidays and vacations. And that is when the parents can actually get along. It's so hard.
Maybe it's because he only has his personal (biased) example of divorce, while I have seen many, many of my students go through this that my H and I have such different perspectives about it.
If he doesn't come around, how will I ever forgive him?
Claire, I believe eventually you will forgive but grieving for your marriage is normal. Sometimes the feelings take hold and we can't see beyond them...it's a crappy process but dealing with it now is better than burying it or carrying it around. Take care and I hope tomorrow is a better day
Me 34 M 2.5 (Both 2nd M) My kids-D 17,S 16,S 12 BD 2/14 D final 7/2014
The grass IS greener.....until it turns brown:-). And life events happen, stressors, etc and some people simply don't have the capacity or *desire* to deal with it. That must be a difficult way to live.
Forgiveness is a process. I have no doubt you will get there.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Maybell: "He told me on Mother's Day that I shouldn't "throw our vows back in his face" because he couldn't be expected to stick to a promise that he made sixteen years ago." !!!!!!
"That right there is Quality."
Oh, Maybell, that is a "Quality Quote" for sure! I am just waiting for the chance to use that!!
"Oh, I guess I got snarky anyway."
Heck--who wouldn't????
It would be even more funny if it weren't so pathetic! I think in the realm of anger, it's pretty lightweight.
(And no, I wasn't the one who talked about "disposable culture", but I sure could have been. Everybody seems to think it's just OK to chuck it when it gets hard. I really believe in commitment and keeping the promises you make. But I guess that's just old-fashioned.)
--GG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
It is a mystery to me as well. I know we're not supposed to spend our time trying to figure it out but it just seems so unexplainable. On a random Saturday in December (while we were in the living room, no less!) my H was being short with me so I asked him why he was so cranky.. he replied "I'm not happy with our marriage." The next day I downloaded a Jon Gottman book for us to read and talk though (seems like less pressure than counseling, I thought), he read two chapters, and declared "All of the examples of people who get divorced sound like us, so there's no point in trying to figure this out" and said counseling and reading books would be a waste of time and money and just get my hopes up for nothing, because nothing would change. So, one day of "trying" and two chapters of a book read is enough effort, I guess 
It is hard because of how this affects us. We can tell ourselves not to let it bring us down but ultimately it does affect us negatively in so many ways - financially, logistically, living arrangements, relationships with kids and other family members, just having a companion you though would be there for you... it's OK to be angry. I don't really have advice but just wanted to time in that I feel so similar in how sad and angry it is that they can just walk away seemingly randomly with no effort. I wonder if he thinks our M should be like how he got his last job... someone walks down the hallway and says "Hey, I can tell you're really unhappy with your current boss... you can come work for me and I'll give you a raise!"